Just My Luck
by SouredSweetie
Summary: EPILOGUE UP: They hate each other: can't stand each other but in order to get what they want: revenge, they painfully realize they have to work together. But someone else is out to get them, someone they both know. Someone who isn't afraid to kill them.
1. Dilatories and Luncheons

**DISCLAIMER:**

**J.K. Rowling owns Hermione, Draco, Ginny, Harry and Ron. I own all the other characters. Meg Cabot is a great author, and this story has some of her ideas in it.**

**I own nothing. How sad.**

**The planning and some ideas are from Meg Cabot's books: The Guy next-door and Boy Meets Girl. Not many of the parts are hers, except some material in the beginning, the occupations and written ideas. If you have not read her books, pay little attention to this paragraph. It's merely a disclaimer on Meg Cabot's behalf.**

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**CHAPTER ONE: Dilatoriness and Luncheons **

**Thursday 21/6**

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* * *

**

_And so it begins, my plan unfolds..._

_Shane and Jonks had better play their parts..._

_And only then willI be satisfied_

* * *

**To: Hermione Granger **

**Fr: Human Resources**

**Re: Dilatory**

Dear **Hermione Granger,**

This is a notice from the Human Resource division of the _London Post_. We are hereby informing you that according to your supervisor Carl Bronston, you arrived 48 minutes late to work today, resulting in your 50th tardy exceeding thirty minutes this year, Miss Granger.

We at the London Post do not believe that your tardiness is acceptable and are therefore suggesting you take place in a Staff Assistance program. We understand that your late routine could be a cause of the following:

Drug addiction/overdose

Mental and physical health disorders

Alcohol addiction

Sleep affliction

Libellous brutal consort.

We here at the Human Resources department are only trying to help you Hermione Granger. If your tardiness is of your own lack or organization, we suggest you change your attitude.

Any future tardiness may result in abeyance or suspension.

Sincerely,

Vanessa McGaughn

Human Resource Division

London Post.

* * *

**To: Herm Granger **

**From: Gin Weasley **

**Subject: YOUR LATE…. again**

Herm, seriously…I know you hate the column you're writing, but please don't seek revenge by not turning up at work…. Sharmayne's killing me….

I mean, what's that your 30th Tardy or something? I hate those emails…they write your name in them so many times, like they forget whom they're writing to….

Anyway, changing the whole conversation completely, you should STOP DATING MY BROTHER! Sweetie, you could do so much better than him…honestly. He still thinks about his deceased Ex-girlfriend! You SURELY know about her, he never shuts up. 'Carla was this and Carla had that' I'd hex him if I were you…I mean, she was lovely, but you constantly have to live up to her standards with Ron…your kinda like his rebound. SO think about it will ya? For both our sakes.

So, are we having lunch? There's a new Chinese restaurant I want to try out, down near Links Road. Please join me, if I take Sharmayne again, I'm afraid she'll only eat those decorative fired noodles on the plates…

Gin

* * *

**To: Human Resources**

**Fr: Herm Granger**

**Re: My Dilatory**

Okay, okay you got me. I guess my:

Mental and physical health disorders

Libellous brutal consort.

Alcohol addiction

Have cause serious work problems for me, though I still am working on my:

Drug addiction/overdose

Sleep affliction

So please, send me to the Staff Assistance Program straight away! I would prefer a dark, 6'3 rugby player with a nice body. Do you think you can handle that?

Thanks again,

Hermione Granger

'How To' and Page Ten columnist

London Post.

P.S. Anyway, I would just like to ask if you have a thesaurus next to your desk when you write 'Tardy' emails. Because I have noticed: Libellous brutal consort, and would like to know if you know the actual meaning to that: dangerous insensitive partner. If you would like a simpler definition, what are you doing working in a journalist office?

* * *

**To: Gin Weasley**

**Fr: Herm Granger**

**Re: YOUR LATE…again (I KNOW)**

I'm back!

How could you even suggest I'd be late for such a reason. You know I wouldn't leave you with Sharmanye for any apparent reason...:)

I was late today because I saw your brother cheating on me. And you know me; I had to make a big scene, so I slapped him, and said the usual woman whine, "How could you? Eight months for nothing?" and at about that time, a crowd formed around us. I honestly thought he was getting over Carla, but I guess I was wrong. I think it'll be better this way, dating him was getting on my nerves; he'd never stop talking about Her.

I appreciate your advice Gin, but you my dear should not give advice on love, as your 'Love life' is non-existent. I hope you understand. Also, I would not get advice from a person who is SO food obsessed (Eg: Ginevra Weasley) that they would dump a guy who didn't like spinach and cheese pizza-which limits your choice in men.

I'll save you this time. Chinese sound nice. I'll meet you at the cooler at 12:00.

Herms.

P.S. it was my 50th dilatory- thought you'd like to know.

P.P.S. Have you finished with my book? I want it back Gin!

* * *

**To: Josh Grey**

**Fr: Draco Malfoy **

**Re: IF YOU…**

…Ever set me up on another date or luncheon with anyone –whether that be man or woman (preferably woman) - I shall severely hurt you. Now that my threat is done; I have to only wait to accomplish it.

Good day,

D.

* * *

**To: Draco **

**FR: Josh **

**Subject: Good day**

Yes, hello to you too. I'm well, thanks for asking. I supposed all went well?

Okay, but mate you have to get out and do more! It's not like you're an unattractive guy, the girls stick to you like leeches!

So, give details. Where'd you go? How was the food? Oh god, I sound like a gossiping schoolgirl!

Ah crap, I have to go and file a report.

J.G

**P**.S. She's cute though

* * *

**To: Josh**

**Fr: Draco **

**Re: She's cute though**

I guess so, only if you like the 5'3, blonde hair, green-eyed look. I'd actually prefer a darker complexion…

Well, we went to the new Chinese restaurant 'Ling Mei' at Links. The food wasn't too bad, although one of the ladies at the table next to us thought it was better than air. I swear she almost had eight plate fulls of food!

She (Amy) was nice and all, but she wasn't my type. She was really picky, had to correct everything and was judgemental- In fact she was everything I used to be-I mean, who cares if someone wears a yellow jumper, a red shirt, jean shorts and thongs with stripy knee high sock. I wouldn't call it fashionable, but please!

The most interesting thing about the whole 'date' was the two girls next to us. They looked so familiar….

Draco

Thank god I took the rest of the day off, that Satay Chicken I had is giving me migraines…

* * *

**To: Draco **

**Fr: Josh **

**Re: "I wouldn't call it fashionable…"**

…and don't you know fashionable! You have Rolex, Versace, Ralph Lauren and Georgia amara or whatever. With all that money your family left you, plus your future inheritance from your Aunt…man you could afford anything…AND you're a Lawyer!

Anyway, I wouldn't have minded having a 5'3 blonde…but of course I have Mary so I can't complain…well I could, but she'd find out…

Have you seen the latest case? A man is suing Myers right, but get this…he was trying to steal some electronic device. Anyways, he's suing because the shops security guard broke his arm while he was arresting him…what people do for money, ah well more for us!

Josh

P.S. Marz asked when you'll be visiting us next. She just emailed me she says that Ashley misses her Unci Dwako…but in all honesty, Marz just want to see you, you bludger.

* * *

**To: Mary **

**Fr: Draco **

**Re: Hey**

Your husband just emailed me and said that you 'miss me' – how sweet…But you must remember Marz you're a married woman. You should be straight out with your husband and tell him of the feelings you have for me, before we do anything drastic.

Just kidding.

So, long time no see eh? I've been so caught up in work and other…Ahem…projects I haven't had time to do anything!

How's little Ashley doing? Is she ecstatic about having a brother or sister? Ha! Josh is freaking out. He says if it's anything like Ash, he might as well cement his ears.

Oh how I'm looking forward to have kids.

I've threatened Josh, and I suppose it's fair to do so at you. NO MORE dates, engagements, meetings, rendezvous…or whatever you and Josh call them, so it doesn't sound like the actual word. Please, no more. For I shall be remaining unattached, solitary and 'Nigel-d' my whole life- partly because women would rather my money than my dashing good looks.

Tschuss!

P.S. Say to Ash for me. I'll see if I'm free next weekend.

P.P.S. Tell your husband to study the fashion labels, it's Armani. He'll know what I'm talking about.

P.P.P.S. Josh's thinking about blonde dwarf women, watch it, you've got competition

* * *

**To: Herm Granger**

**Fr: Carl Bronston **

**Re: What's you excuse now…?**

…. Did your shoe get stuck in the drain again? Oh, wait…your long-lost cousin came to visit didn't they?

Seriously, you should consider a career in book publishing. Some titles:

101 Excuses for being late for work.

What not to do in relationships.

The best way to annoy your work colleagues.

99 ways to aggravate you supervisor

Why Tom dumped Nicole, or was it the other way around?

You have to stop this tardy routine Granger. Human Resources have had enough. Now, I want the latest How To and Page Ten Gossip on my desk PRONTO.

Carl

P.S. Stop teasing Vanessa down at Human Resources, I cant stand her wailing.

* * *

**To: Carl Bronston**

**Fr: Herm Granger **

**Subject: Nicole and Tom**

Um...hello, Nicole and Tom's Dilemma could last about two pages, and not one column. Anyway I'm working on the Jude Law case, thank you very much.

I am actually considering your proposal for a writing career. It'd be much better than writing Gossip and How To. Carl, when will you put me on Politics and all that stuff you think is boring. I know Aneen is doing a good job with it, but I've been here longer.

I don't want to tell you the reason of my tardiness. You wouldn't understand being a man and all :)

Herm

* * *

**To: Herm Granger**

**Fr: Gin Weasley**

**Re: Spinach and Cheese Pizza**

Hey, hey! You leave the pizza alone, what did it do to you? Just because I have an unique taste in Italian foods, does not mean you can use that against me, Missy! Ha, sorry I just in touch with my five-year old side.

Oh, and by the way I would not break up with a guy who didn't like Spinach and cheese Pizza, it would be because he didn't like Beef Chourmein: just to clarify that little misunderstanding.

I'm actually worried about Ron. He really isn't being his silly old self since She died. Fred and George say he should consider therapy. I think it's those two who should go to therapy.

12:00 sounds fine with me. See you then!

Gin.

**P**.S. Yes I have your book. 'Man with the Missing Eye' nice title for a children's book, although it is a horror story, and what's with that freaky one-eyed man? I couldn't look at him!

* * *

**To: Draco **

**Fr: Mary **

**Re: I shall be remaining unattached, solitary….**

You forgot 'Lonesome' it looks like there won't be many trysts with you any time soon.

Anyway, your sarcasm is seriously inadequate at the present time and inappropriate. Honestly Draco, do step it up a notch…and the word 'nigel-d,' puh-lease you're a lawyer, you should have an extensive vocabulary…

Oh god, I sound like you cousin Xavier! I'll just go and bury myself now.

Ashley isn't too bad. She's had the flu for a few days now, but the Teletubbies are keeping her occupied and that's all that matters at the moment. Oh and in case you were wondering, I'm fine. Eight months pregnant, haven't seen my feet in a few weeks- ragging hormones, you'd be very proud of me.

I guess you could come over next weekend, although Josh has invited Daniel over. I don't think you would be able to stand it…but come over anyways; you'd be good entertainment for Ash. Ha!

3 Marz

P.S. "Women would rather my money then my dashing good looks," Where'd the personality quality go!

P.P.S. Lunch didn't go well…again, I assume.

P.P.P.S. Ha! He'd be lucky getting her!

* * *

**To: Josh **

**Fr: Draco **

**Re: Please inform….**

…Your wife of the details of my luncheon with Ms. Judge-mental. Thanks.

Also, why in the world are you inviting Daniel over! I thought you couldn't handle the guy.

Draco.

* * *

**To: Draco **

**Fr: Josh **

**Re: The guy…**

No I can't handle him! but he is a partner in MGF Law Office, and an old pal of ours from Uni. Actually, that really isn't an excuse. Sorry I can't answer the question, a part of my brain was not functioning at that time. Why don't you come over and give me some support!

Oh man, if I'm not at work on Monday, it's because I have buried myself.

Josh

* * *

**To: Josh; Mary **

**From: Draco**

**Re: "Bury myself"**

What is it with you two and burring yourselves? Is that your only solution when you've done something stupid? Ah, I guess it's better than changing Ashley's dirty nappy, eh Josh? Or watching a Teletubbies Marathon, right Marz?

I'll see you two suicidal maniacs next weekend.

Draco.

* * *

**To: Josh **

**Fr: Mary **

**Re: Draco**

He seriously has some sarcasm issues. He needs a girl fast. What is your cousin Helena status?

Marz.

P.S. Can you pick up some milk and pickles on your way home?

P.P.S. A blonde dwarf? Should you be so lucky!

* * *

**To: Mary **

**Fr: Josh**

**Re: Pickles**

You're not going to eat them with mayonnaise again, are you?

Josh

P.S. Helena is occupied; Draco- tell me about it.

Who needs another woman, when I've got you :D

* * *

**To: Gin Weasley**

**Fr: Herm Granger **

**Re: Lunch**

OMG! How much did you eat? I mean I know you have a HUGE appetite for such a small thing, but….

I fell sorry for the waiter, he was tiring out going back and forth between us and the kitchen; and the cook, well if I were him I'd be freezing my head, I imagine he worked up a sweat!

Did you see that guy next to us? He looked SO familiar and he kept looking our way. Ha, maybe he was checking you out, you should've swept in for the kill: P

Oh well,

Herm

P.S. I think the restaurants food supply has decreased by 80

P.P.S. Um, the guy's the main character in the story, that's why he has one eye. Geez you're a dipstick.

* * *

RedHeadedWench: He wasn't my type

**AudiciousGossipMonger: What are you doing! If McGaughn catches us, we'll be dead**

RedHeadedWench: Puh-lease, she's too busy trying to get your Ex's ( Michael's) attention

**AudiciousGossipMonger: Ha! I wonder if she knows he's small…**

RedHeadedWench: HERMIONE! I'll pretend I didn't hear that.

RedHeadedWench: ……

RedHeadedWench: Okay, how small?

**AudiciousGossipMonger: Ginny! That's for authorized personnel only**

**AudiciousGossipMonger: Okay, about 12.5**

RedHeadedWench: Inches?

**AudiciousGossipMonger: no**

RedHeadedWench: WELL anyway, lets get back to the subject at hand.

**AudiciousGossipMonger: Yes, lunch.**

RedHeadedWench: The waiter's job is to serve the customer, so too bad if they ate a lot

**AudiciousGossipMonger: You know that's not what I meant about lunch**

RedHeadedWench: Well, there's plenty more food in the world

**AudiciousGossipMonger: GINNY. That guy looked so familiar!**

RedHeadedWench: I have a large appetite, which I must fulfil to ensure my sanity….

**AudiciousGossipMonger: STOP changing the subject! You bought it up.**

RedHeadedWench: Fine.

**AudiciousGossipMonger: So…**

RedHeadedWench: So…

**AudiciousGossipMonger:(**

RedHeadedWench: who'd you have in mind?

_BestLeadingDirector: Yes, whom did you have in mind? actually I don't want to know. We have a Newspaper to run here ladies. Discuss inappropriate matters in your own time. Now log off._

RedHeadedWench: Logged off

**AudiciousGossipMonger: Logged off**

_BestLeadingDirector: Logged off_

RedHeadedWenchLogged on

**AudiciousGossipMonger: Logged on**

RedHeadedWench: "Best Leading Director" my ass

**AudiciousGossipMonger: More like D.O.C**

RedHeadedWench: Care to elaborate?

**AudiciousGossipMonger: Demanding and Overbearing Cow.**

RedHeadedWench: Is he really 12.5cm?

**AudiciousGossipMonger: Ginny!**

* * *

REMASTERED

**SouredSweetie**


	2. Repercussions of a Night out

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**CHAPTER TWO- The Repercussions of a Night Out **

**Friday 22/6; Saturday 23/6**

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To: Herm; Sharmayne;Aneen Gnish

**From: Gin Weasley**

**Re: Tonight**

Tonight is Friday, as I'm sure you all know. We are a bunch of unattached women-Sharmayne, of course is an exception. She has a partner, but denies it- and as single women, we are free and solitary, enabling us to go out without any hassle –expect Hermione, who likes to make useless excuses.- So I have arranged for us a reservation at Ferae, then to Barney's Bar.

I will not accept a No answer from any of you.

Meeting place: Ginny's- we all know where that is.

Time: 6:30pm.

Restaurant: Ferae

Dessert: Barney's

Home: 2:00am.

Thankyou Ladies,

Ginny.

P.S. We are here to pick up, so jazz up.

P.P.S. Sharmayne, DO NOT blab to anyone, you have a tendency to do so.

P.P.P.S. Aneen, you may tell anyone, except Vanessa.

* * *

**To: Gin Weasley**

**Fr: Sharmayne**

**Re: Dinner**

Oh you are special aren't you? Of course I will come tonight, I'm just surprised you invited me. But thrilled none the less.

I think I might wear my Tony Bianco stilettos tonight. What do you think darling?

I think it was absolutely precious that you knew what we were going to say/do. I'll try not to blab.

Loves and kisses,

Sharmayne

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**To: Gin Weasley **

**Fr: Aneen **

**Re: Dinner **

Thankyou for inviting me Ginny. It was really nice of you. I think I will go, I just have to get away from my Ex, you know Jeremy? He's so controlling, he seems to always know where I am.

Thanks again,

Aneen

P.S. How sweet! I'll actually keep quiet, though it seems Sharmayne isn't abiding your rules. : )

* * *

**To: Gin Weasley**

**Fr: Herm **

**Re: I do not make up useless excuses!**

…And for that, I'm not going.

You might want to tape Sharms mouth, actually don't bother. It wouldn't be sticky enough.

Herm

* * *

**To: Herm**

**Fr: Gin Weasley **

**Re:Yes you are…**

...going tonight! That was also a stupid excuse, using me against me, I mean.

PLEASE Hermione, my friend is head Chef there. It's a 5 Star restaurant for god's sake! He says, the A-list go there of a Friday night. Think about all the juicy stories you could get? And if they're good enough, Carl might promote you. Think about it Herms.

I'd try the tape, but they don't make it strong enough for Sociable Fashion Editor whose oral grip resembles a snake.

Gin

* * *

**To: Gin Weasley **

**Fr: Herm**

**Re: STOP…**

…giving me dirty looks over the cubicle.

Fine, I'll go tonight.

Herms

* * *

**To: Herm**

**Fr: Gin **

**Re: that's…**

..the spirit!

It's almost 5:00, so I'm heading off. Remember meets us at my pen at 6:30.

See you there!

Gin

* * *

****

**HERMIONE'S JOURNAL**

_Oh my god. Tonight…drama, drama, drama. What was Ginny thinking? And how could've Aneen ever gone out with that egotistical ass Jeremy. Sharmayne, what was she wearing? For a 38 year old, she sure isn't shy to show some flesh. Anyways, I'll get to that later._

_Here's my 'brief' summary of our Girls night._

_5:01-Finished work, got out of building._

_5:03- Got soaked by a muddy puddle._

_5:05- Umbrella-no use. Fully drenched by rain._

_5:15- Got to apartment door, couldn't find keys in bag._

_5:17- Still couldn't find keys._

_5:18- Gave up on key search, hid and apparated._

_5:20- Inside apartment, found keys in pocket. Cursed._

_5:23- Ran to shower_

_5:35- Finished shower._

_5:50- Completed customary routine- 15 minutes, record._

_5:51- Ran to closet, pulled out white turtleneck sweater, expensive denim jeans, leather belt and pointy black shoes._

_6:00- Blow-dried hair, to no avail- resorted to magic._

_6:15- Applied make up and surveyed appearance. Well, it was as good as it could get._

_6:25- Apparated to Ginny's, all girls there:_

_Aneen Knee high black skirt, knee high boots and a pink shirt_

_Ginny Red Chinese style dress, with gold designs._

_Sharmayne Mini (and I mean mini) cream skirt, white Singlet top with a white see-through three-quarter, a creamy coloured coat and stilettos._

_Her appearance mightn't sound bad to you, but It was to me. Ginny seemed to love Sharmayne's coat, especially the fur –I hope it was fake- on the edges. Anyway, the dinner was pretty good. Juan -the chef- gave us great seats and extra attention. It was quite entertaining when we started ordering. I had: Pea soup, Moroccan chicken and a passionfruit and coconut cheesecake. It was delicious, but more so our waiter!_

_Ginny, had about two soups and two main courses- which is quite a small order for Gin- sometimes I underestimate her abnormally large appetite._

_The music was so loud at Barney's, or maybe that was because I had too much to drink…but that's beside the point. Where was I? Oh yes, after an hour of laughing, talking and drinking, a group of boys ( I call them boys because they were totally plastered, and reeked of Tequila, Margaritas and Beer) came over and started talking- flirting rather- to us. One in particular- redhead- had his eye on Ginny. They were both so drunk, I don't think they knew what they were blabbering about and after about thirty minutes, Gin and the Guy left. They just LEFT! How rude! _

_So Aneen, Sharmayne and I were left with the rambling, sex talking drunks. Sharmayne didn't mind, she was planning to take three of them home. If things couldn't get worse, they did. Jeremy Jonks, over controlling, psychopathic Ex-boyfriend of Aneen's, was there. He was standing at the door, giving a death glare to poor Aneen. She told me He was a manipulating Bastard ( not in those words, she's to sweet to say anything like that) who always told her what to do, said that she was worthless, and the only reason women were alive was to look after the Man. If I were her, I'd have shown him what women could do…with wands!_

_He stormed over to us, and started saying things like, 'How dare you not tell me where you were going, you worthless piece of…' Poor Aneen, was just standing there, too afraid to say anything, so I did for her. Told him a thing or two, and muttered a curse under my breath at him. That'll show him what women can do!_

_Now he has a grudge against me, ha! I'm going to call Ginny now, I hope she's at her house and not at his…..oh god, I doubt it!_

* * *

_**( Beep)**_

"**_Hey you've reached Ginny's phone. I'm obviously not home or occupied at the moment. Please leave your name, number and a cooking recipe and if it's nice, I'll get back to you."_**

_**(Tone)**_

GINNY! Where are you? Please don't tell me you were at that Don or David guys house…GINNY! Call me back.

_**( Beep)**_

"**_Hey you've reached Ginny's phone. I'm obviously not home or occupied at the moment. Please leave your name, number and a cooking recipe and if it's nice, I'll get back to you."_**

_**(Tone)**_

Oh my god! You are over there, else you'd be home! Ginny, you've only just met him and you're sleeping with him. Call me.

_**( Beep)**_

"**_Hey you've reached Ginny's phone. I'm obviously not home or occupied at the moment. Please leave your name, number and a cooking recipe and if it's nice, I'll get back to you."_**

_**(Tone)**_

HELLO GINNY DEAR, IT'S MUMMY ON THE PHONE. CAN YOU HEAR ME? HARRY AND CHARLIE HAVE JUST INTRODUCED US TO TELEGONES…OR IS IT PHONES? No that just sounds silly: phones. OH ANYWAY DEAR I REALLY DO HOPE YOU CAN HEAR ME, I'M NOT SURE YOU CAN – DON'T PRESS THAT BUTTON ARTHUR-

_**( Beep)**_

"_**Hey you've reached Ginny's phone. I'm obviously not home or occupied at the moment. Please leave your name, number and a cooking recipe and if it's nice, ill get back to you."**_

_**(Tone)**_

SORRY GINNY DEAR, YOUR FATHER PRESSED A BUTTON AND IT WENT OFF, I DO HOPE HE DIDN'T BREAK IT. ANYWAY, RON'S JUST TOLD ME WHAT HAPPENED. I MUST SAY I DON'T REALLY BLAME HERMIONE, YOUR BROTHER CAN BE SUCH AN IDIOT SOMETIMES. ANYWAYS, FLOO ME BACK DEAR. I COULDN'T GET THROUGH YOUR PROTECTION SPELLS, HERMIONE UPDATE THEM FOR YOU? ANYWAY, BYE DEAR.

_**( Beep)**_

"_**Hey you've reached Ginny's phone. I'm obviously not home or occupied at the moment. Please leave your name, number and a cooking recipe and if it's nice, ill get back to you."**_

_**(Tone)**_

That does it, it's been five hours and you're still not home. I'm calling the Police if you don't call within the next hour.

* * *

**Saturday 23/6**

* * *

**To: David Felnof **

**From: Draco Malfoy **

**Re: (None)**

You my dear friend are the biggest player I have ever seen! You get a girl, cheat on her and then dump her. If you've forgotten, remember: Danielle and Hayley? You went out with them at the same time, and dumped them within an hour of dumping the other. And just Wednesday, you broke up with another girl! Davey boy, you're running out of girls in London. Such a shame you'll have to leave soon!

Josh just told me you're invited to his next weekend and you're taking your new girlfriend (whom you met last night, I presume) too. Boy how I feel sorry for her. Please tell me when you plan to break her heart. You know, just so I can get ready for another yelling session down in the Lobby.

Draco.

* * *

**To: Draco **

**Re:David Felnof **

**Subject: Jealous**

Oh Draco, get over yourself. Just because I have more people skills and charm then you, doesn't mean you should judge my love interests. I actually think SHE is the one. I mean, even though I met her yesterday at Barney's – at all places- we really hit it off.

And guess what, she's in my Bathroom having a shower! You've NEVER gotten to that stage after one night since law school, have you Draco? Face it Draco, chicks just dig redheaded guys, with good bodies and charming personalities; not sarcastic blondes.

I guess you'll see her next weekend.

_The Player._

I believe that you were a player in law school. Don't you remember : Charlotte, Nina, and Hilary?

* * *

**To: David Felnof **

**From: Draco Malfoy **

**Re: She's the one…**

…yeah, so were : Danielle, Caitlin, Jacinta, Sue, Sarah, Sally…and about 10 others. Davey, just quit while you're ahead. This'll only last a week or less, and if she's a Red, then, I'll give it about three days.

The reason I haven't gotten to that stage, is because I have matured –somewhat- from Law school, just to let you know. I can't wait until Saturday. Then I can tell her what an ass you are.

_Ex-Playboy._

P.S. I need that report on the Donald's Divorce Settlement. So before you start shagging, email it to me.

* * *

**To: Draco Malfoy **

**Fr: David Felnof **

**Subject: ….**

**Attachment: DDS.case.0987**

Bite me.

* * *

**To: David Felnof **

**From: Draco Malfoy **

**Re: Hmm…**

How Hard?

* * *

**To: Gin Weasley **

**From: David Felnof **

**Subject: Sorry about…**

…that interruption this morning. Danielle still thinks we're going out, but we broke up like ages ago. You see, she was cheating on me with this Jamalo guy, and she wants to get back together. I know, what a nerve. But I have you now, nothing else matters.

I really had a good time last night…and this morning, despite the several disruptions. Including this moron from work, who was emailing the most ridiculous things. I know that we have just met, but I really felt a strong connection between us and I would just like to know if you would accompany me to two things ( I wanna show off my cutest catch):

Next Saturday- dinner at one of my friends house and

Tonight for dinner.

I know you love your food (you ate at least 4 pieces of toast and eight boiled eggs) so if you want to go tonight, I'll let you choose the restaurant – as you are one of the best Food Critics and you know the best places. If you wanna go to dinner, call me later on.

;) Dave

* * *

**To: David Felnof **

**From: Gin Weasley **

**Subject: Sure**

I'd love to go to both, if it's alright with your friend. I also had a Fab time, I'll call you at about 3:00. I have to sort a few things out with a friend first.

Love Gin

* * *

_(Ring )_

_(Ring)_

"_Hello"_

"_How many messages did you leave on my phone girlie."_

"_Well shoot me for worrying Gin. Would you be worried if I left the club and went to a guy's house- whom I just met?"_

"_Well no. Because that'd never happen to you. You're such a worry wart Hermione, anyways he was SO great, and I don't just mean his personality."_

"_Please tell me you mean his house, Gin."_

" _(Grunt sound)."_

"_GINNY! You slept with him…?"_

"…_more than once."_

" _GIN! He could be diseased or something- oh god that sounded awful- I mean, he could be sick…."_

" _It was so magical Herm. And just now he sent me an email, inviting me to dinner tonight. And guess what? I GET TO CHOOSE THE RESTAURANT! No one has ever let me choose, ah what a sweetie. To top it off, he said he likes me!"_

" _He LIKES you, after one night? This guy's playing you Ginny, and I should know. Michael did that to me remember, he said he liked me after a week, and then cheated on me and now he wants me back. Oh, Gin, don't fall into this trap."_

" _But Davey's not like that. He's so nice and fun…and…."_

"_Oh shut it Gin. You've already got lovey-dovey nicknames? Oh god, where's the crazy and fun Ginny?"_

" _She fell in love."_

" _There's no such thing as Love after one night. So I guess you're going to dinner tonight?"_

"_Yes, and you being the supporting friend are going shopping with me."_

"_Fine. But I'm not supporting this...yet."_

"_That's good enough for me. I would've invited you for a double date…but you're currently unattached…"_

"_Shut up before I change my mind. I'll be over in half-an-hour. So be ready."_

"_Ha, ok. See ya soon."_

"_Yeah, bye."_

* * *

****

**Diary of Shane Nigen**

_I can't stand Hermione bloody Granger anymore. The stupid Mudblood that prances around thinking she's all that; oh if only the Dark Lord were alive to kill her!_

_But no, the idiot and all his followers were defeated; the piss-weak morons were either killed or sent to Azkaban, that's why you never let a man do a woman's job. Though in this politically and sexist retarded world, men think they're king shit._

_They all love her, laugh at her jokes and are always asking for her advice; it makes me sick. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother, why I play along; but I know I'll get her, I'll get her back big time._

_And the best thing is, she doesn't know._

_She just doesn't know who I am._

* * *

REMASTERED

**SouredSweetie**


	3. Ginny's Little Man

**

* * *

**

**Chapter THREE: Ginny's Little Man **

**Sunday 24/6; Tuesday 26/6**

* * *

**Diary of Shane Nigen**

_Uhg, I don't know why I even bother with Jonks. he's such an idiot! You tell him to do something and he screws it all up!_

_Why did he go near them? It was going all well up until the big dolt walked up and started to cause trouble; oh and guess ho the rescuer was? Mudblood Granger: I've swapped her to number one from Malfoy of whom I hate with a fiery passion. It was after all her and two dorky lovers who got rid of Voldemort; and Malfoy the traitor ran away like the scared shit he is._

_JJ was leaning against the door, giving dirties at me for jinxing him the night before: it was his own fault. I had explained what to do and he couldn't answer my questions after the 10th time I told him._

_Jonks was supposed to go up and start with the smooth talk, instead he bragged about how pathetic women were: I could kill him. He was supposed to lure Granger away, seduce her somewhat._

_Though I guess the soothing words of "Aneen's" didn't really give Granger a good view of the man._

_If JJ can't shape up, I might have to get rid of him too._

* * *

__

**To: Herm Granger **

**From: Gin Weasley **

**Subject: You know…**

…That dress did the trick; it was such a great night (despite throwing up) the food was marvellous, I know how to choose my restaurants don't I? HE paid for it all…PAID! And he knows about my appetite, and yet he still PAID! Haha!

I'll spare you the details…you weren't too happy at the shops, and you were so not encouraging, I so should've asked Sharmayne to come….

Oh I'm joking.

Well I'm off now; I'm not feeling very well, ill talk to you tomorrow at work.

Love Ginny.

* * *

**To: Gin Weasley **

**From: Herm Granger **

**Subject: last night…**

You threw up? Was that due to an overload of food, my dear? OR are you pregnant! Well I'll have you know I had a wonderful time watching Sleepless in Seattle. Don't you think Meg and Tom were a cute couple?

So I guess you didn't spend the night at each other's house, that's good. You don't know where he's been Gin!

See you at work, and I hope you feel better,

Hermione.

P.S. I hope you're not pregnant!

* * *

**To: Sharm Vonaė **

**From: Herm Granger **

**Subject: Ginny**

Okay Sharmayne. You're probably not home yet, seeing as you went 'somewhere' with THREE of David's mates yesterday, or you are so hung over your current position is in the bathroom. But when you get this, I want you to tell me everything you know about DAVID. Get it off his mates if you must, but find some gossip on him.

Thanks,

Hermione.

* * *

**To: Herm Granger **

**From: Sharm Vonaė **

**Subject: hmmm**

Darling, I'll have you know I am at home. But I can't help wondering if you're doing a little scheming, you little gossip monger. If you are, count me in; I need a little action in my life. I'll get all I can, treasure.

Loves and kisses,

Sharmayne.

* * *

**To: Sharm Vonaė **

**From: Herm Granger **

**Subject: Thanks.**

Good! Thanks Sharmayne.

Hermione

P.S. I'm actually quite surprised you're at home, I'd have thought you'd be over one of David's mate's house, doing the bad deed: P

P.S. YOU need action in your life? Please...

* * *

**To: Herm Granger **

**From: Sharm Vonaė **

**Subject: Darling **

Oh you are precious aren't you? I never said THEY weren't over, because one of them certainly is, even at 3:00pm on a Sunday! You know the one that was wearing the pink shirt with the kakis; he was the only one worthy- the only darl who knew how to dress!

I'll get back to you soon.

XX00XX00

Sharmayne

* * *

**To: Draco Malfoy **

**Fr: David Felnof **

**Subject: Well**

Well I thought I'd rub it in. Ginevra and I went out to dinner last night, and it was a ball! It would've been better, if we'd talk more instead of eaten, but it was fun either way. I don't want to rub it in, bit I like to be clear with things.

David

* * *

**To: Draco Malfoy **

**Fr: David Felnof **

**Subject: Is that clear?**

Dave my man, you wouldn't know clear, if it bit you on the ass. Your mind's been foggy since Law School. Personally I don't want to hear the details of your EVER blossoming relationship. I would rather stay in the real world. Do you know what the funny this is Davey-boy, the night didn't go as well as expected, you didn't get your End of the Night shag did you? Else you would be rubbing it in more.

I guess you feel a little uneasy this morning, don't you?

Draco

* * *

**To: Draco Malfoy **

**Fr: David Felnof **

**Subject: Bit you on the ass**

How cliché, id have thought being as 'intelligent' as you are/were you'd have thought of better phrases. I guess not.

It is none of your business:

If I did, or if I didn't have a shag. It my concern and not yours, thankyou very much. Just to let you know, I wasn't feeling very well after we ate. So we called it a night.

David

* * *

**To: David Felnof **

**From: Draco Malfoy **

**Re: Called it a night**

Oh, so you didn't shag.

Admit it, it was not as fun as you expected eh?

Draco

**To: Draco Malfoy **

**Fr: David Felnof **

**Subject: Look…**

I said I LIKED her; she's a good catch. I don't plan on breaking up with her anytime soon, okay! Now get off my case with this and don't email me unless it's important

**

* * *

To: David Felnof**

**From: Draco Malfoy **

**Re: Important**

Don't kid Yourself David. That's all I have to say.

Drac…actually you didn't sign off before, I don't think I will either.

* * *

**To: Herm Granger **

**From: Sharm Vonaė **

**Subject: Ginny's Little Man **

Hermione. Darling I have nothing. Pinkie said that David's an honest, friendly and fun person to be around. Maybe you should start to trust him, if only for our little Gin.

I must go know, Champy's and Chardy wait.

Hugs and Kisses,

Sharmayne.

* * *

**To: Sharm Vonaė **

**From: Herm Granger **

**Subject: Okay lost**

Trust Him! Oh I guess you're right, but only for Ginny. You know that's the smartest thing you've ever said, WHICH has meaning, of course. : P Pinkie? Is that your finger, or did you forget the guy's name? Did you even ask him in the first place? That's typical you :)

See you tomorrow at work,

Hermione

* * *

_Hey Hermione!_

_Long time, no see eh? I'm not too bad, I injured myself playing Quidditch (Just as I caught the snitch!) though luckily it was the Finals and it won us the game! Something good always comes from something bad._

_Speaking of which, I can't believe Ginny and her 24-hour love-a-thon. How long do you think it'll last? A week? Month? Forever? Man, I really blew it. I didn't let us work out, which is why I am individually lonesome : S_

_This answers one of your questions. I'd like to add that I am not looking, so don't bother trying to set me up; you know how the last one ended._

_Oh I'd thought you'd ought to know about Ron, as I assume you haven't been speaking to him as of late; Ron and Luna are a couple. I know, SHOCK of the year, even bigger than some of your Hollywood Heartbreaks. I actually hope this works out; they both have had losses and need something to look forward to._

_But remember Herms, Something good always happens from a wrong, so POSSIBLY you will get your luck soon._

_Hope to see you soon, miss ya_

_Harry._

* * *

__

**Tuesday 26/6**

* * *

**To: Draco Malfoy**

**From: Amy Breenay**

**Re: Hey**

Hey Draco

It's me Amy from lunch last week. How are you?

I had a good time last week and wanted to know if you wanted to go out again some time? If I don't get a reply by Thursday I'll know the deal's off.

Here's my contact number if you consider and even if you don't, I'd like for you to confirm it: 0405 7859 63

Thanks,

Amy Breenay

_Voila_ Manager London

Interior Design

* * *

**To: Gin Weasley **

**From: Herm Granger**

**Re: Okay, where are YOU now… **

Gin? You haven't been at work for two days, and it's getting really boring. Is something the matter? You are pregnant! I've tried calling, but I'm only getting the machine…so now I have to resort to the unsociable concept of emails. How this shames me.

Well: Call, email, and write…whatever you do, get back to me. Lunch is destroying me; I can't bear eating from the buildings lunchroom anymore. If I have anymore-chicken salads or tomato soup, I will turn into a vegetable.

Herm

Actually, the more I think about it, I wouldn't be a vegetable as tomatoes are classified as fruits and chicken is not a green. So please excuse the last sentence.

* * *

**To: Gin Weasley **

**From: Carl Bronston**

**RE:Listen Weasley…**

…You're almost as bad as Granger. As:

You don't tell us where you are or why your aren't at work

You are breeching your 35th Tardy this year, and its only June!

I don't have my Food Article on my DESK

You'd better hurry and get back to work, as you are the only one who can keep Granger sane. She's going on about chicken and vegetables…

Women…

Carl

* * *

**To: Herm Granger **

**Fr: Gin Weasley **

**Subject: Hey**

**Attachment: Articlefood.345**

No Hermione, I'm NOT pregnant!

Are you giving the gang a hard time? Typical, even you have to correct yourself, and what have I told you about that!

Is something the matter

Yes, I have bad food poisoning and I have been regurgitating just as much as I eat, which is a lot.

Where are you

I am at my mothers and have been since late Sunday. Once she found out I was sick, she flooed (sp?) here straight away. I couldn't resist her offer, she makes the best Chicken soup…oh yum!

Although, there was a catch. She started talking about you and Ron and how sorry she is bout Him. Yarda yarda, it all adds up to: Ron is an Idiot.

Oh god, I feel it coming up again…

See ya,

Gin ……

………..Oh that was nasty. Anyways, I'm sending you a few reviews for some restaurants. Could you please give them to Carl? They should last the next few days. I totally bagged out the restaurant we went to, and I had right reason. Everyone around us looked sick, genuinely sick Hermione.

Ginny

* * *

**To: Draco Malfoy **

**Fr: David Felnof**

**RE: I'm doing…**

…Some serious snooping around Dave's desk, as he hasn't been here for the past few days. It's me, Josh by the way. I'm on his computer's email. Ha, you should read some of them, classic. Most are from Ex-girlfriends, family and porn websites. But I've already checked, there's nothing on them.

I was reading some of yours, one signed "Ex-playboy" and I thought, What a Bullshit artist you are.

Mate, Hide somewhere, Emily is approaching your office. DUDE get out of there, hahah she's just pulled her skirt up a bit.

Josh.

* * *

**To: Draco Malfoy**

**Fr: Josh Grey**

**Re:)**

Judging from your loud groan, I assume you were too late. Maybe I should've written "Emily is approaching your office" at the beginning of the email…nah.

So what does she want know/need? Extra staplers? Scissors? No wait, was it a date?

Ooooooh man, she doesn't look too happy. What did you say?

Josh

* * *

**To: Josh Grey **

**Fr: Draco Malfoy **

**Re: You'd think…**

you could count on a mate to tell you when a Klutzy flirt is approaching you and would make it as a Top priority. But I guess not. I mean you could've IM-ed me, its faster you know.

She actually came to tell me that one of my clients wants to make an appointment with me. What really got her mad (I assume) was when I told her to pull down her skirt, as it "Doesn't fit the purpose of a Law Firms Secretarial ensemble," total load of yarn really, I just don't like her.

Draco.

**

* * *

To: Draco Malfoy**

**Fr: Josh Grey **

**Re: What…**

…are friends for? I'm just looking out for you.

But seriously you'd think she'd get the message that you are not interested in Her. What a way to let her down though, you dog.

After work do you want to go down to the pub and have a few drinks? This whole pregnancy is putting a strain on my social life.

Josh

* * *

**To: Josh Grey **

**Fr: Draco Malfoy **

**Re: Social Life…**

..or lack of it for that matter. You should be at home with you wife, you sheep. Yes, I called you a sheep, as you are not worthy of a goat…

Oh god, I think I will have a drink, or two.

Draco.

* * *

**To: Draco Malfoy **

**Fr: Josh Grey **

**RE: Drinks.**

Actually mate, I don't think you should have many. You sound mad enough without it. But anyways, I simply can't resist alcohol consumptions

Josh

* * *

**DRACO's JOURNAL**

**Tuesday**: _26/6_

**Time: **_who bloody norws…10pm I fink…_

_I am hammered. Seriougsly, I gant eben write wifout spelling a gerd wong. Ooh, I hpe I didn't bring anywon heme…wait I'm giung to look in the bedwoom…._

…_nope swafe. I don't eben no where I'm writing, or wat im writng…ugh, oh yes now I noh. PLAY JOSHG BACK TOMOROWO For making me this pissed. The ass…………..haosdh0ahd_

REMASTERED

**SouredSweetie**


	4. The Birth of a new Era

**

* * *

**

**Chapter FOUR: The Birth of a New Era**

**Wednesday 27/6; Thursday 28/6**

* * *

**DRACO's JOURNAL**

**Wednesday:** 27/6

_Translation of yesterdays, toilet paper entry:_

_I am Hammered. Seriously I can't even write without spelling a word wrong. Oh, I hope I didn't bring anyone home…wait I'm going to look in the bedroom…_

…_nope safe. I don't even know where I am or what I'm writing…uh, oh yes now I know. Pay Josh back Tomorrow for making me this pissed. The ass……………(Incomprehensible babble) _

Today:

_How Pathetic, even more so than my Ex-Slytherin cronies. Bloody Josh and his alcohol. We were watching the game down at Diagon Alley's pub, and droning down tequila shots, followed by some heavy butter-beer. I don't even know how I made it home last night. Oh god, the light is killing me, and the saddest thing is, I'm currently occupied in the bathroom, re-reading what I wrote on a strip of toilet paper yesterday, and adding to it. Ohhhhhh, I'm going to do some hexing today, or possibly tomorrow…Shit…._

_Not good, not good at all. Hell, why am I sharing this on toilet paper, geez…_

* * *

**To: Draco Malfoy;****Josh Grey **

**Fr: David Felnof **

**Re: The past few days…**

Ah my fellow Partners, how nice it is that you ask of my whereabouts. I can really see who my true friends are. Anyways, if you wanted to know, I had food poisoning…but seeing as you never emailed me, I guess you don't want to know.

I have reason to believe that one or both of you have been snooping around my desk and reading PRIVATE emails. I would like you to know that that is a federal offence: Violation of Privacy, I believe it is called. You both are extremely lucky I am not suing you, but if it happens again, I shall not hesitate in doing so.

David.

* * *

**To: David Felnof **

**Fr: Draco Malfoy**

**Re:So sorry…**

Actually I'm not, I just wrote that so you would read my email. By the way, since you have nothing to do, how about getting Emily off my back, she's like a leech. She just sticks to you! I am telling you this because you hired her, without consulting Josh or I, so do something about it, or I will.

Oh by the way, nice to see you back. We've missed you.

If you haven't noticed, that was seeping with Irony.

Draco.

* * *

**To: David Felnof **

**Fr: Josh Grey**

**Re:You're right**

I really don't want to know where you were. And I believe that is a federal offence: Telling people where you were, when they don't want to know. It's called: Violation of Ones Needs, Wants and Concern. If you haven't seen this before, it is because I have made it up.

Josh

P.S Are you still coming over on Saturday?

* * *

**To: Josh Grey **

**Fr: David Felnof**

**Re:Oh you're such**

a comedian. Lets all give it up for Josh Grey; the man who can't make an infringement sound professional. Anyways, I don't think I will go. Seeing you even more then I already do, would just kill me.

David

**

* * *

To: David Felnof**

**Fr:Josh Grey (**

**Re: just kill me..'**

Oh if that's the case please do come.

Josh

P.S. You'll have to tell your new broad that.

* * *

**To: Draco Malfoy**

**Fr:Josh Grey **

**Re: Saturday**

Mate, Saturday is free of any nuisances.

Let's celebrate and go to the pub.

Josh

* * *

**To: Josh Grey **

**Fr: Draco Malfoy**

**Re:Saturday**

I am assuming that when you say Saturday is nuisance free, you mean David is not coming. Yes we should celebrate, but with no more alcohol. I still have a hangover from last night and this glare of the screen is killing me. You're such an ass, I am not going to speak to you until I have come up with a plan of your destruction

Draco

P.S. I might not come either. Tell Marz I'm sorry.

* * *

**To: Draco Malfoy **

**Fr: Josh Grey **

**Re: Oh cut the…**

bullshit. You're coming you pompas ass, and that's that. Are you watching star wars or something? Because that last line of your email was weird, "Plan of your destruction," should I get my stick out and defend myself?

Josh

* * *

**To: Josh Grey**

**Fr:Draco Malfoy**

**Re:Stick**

what stick? The one that is lodged up your ass? Yeah that might do. Now stop emailing me, I have a migraine.

Draco

* * *

**To: Marz Grey **

**Fr: Josh Grey **

**Re:Draco**

Draco said he might not come over on Saturday. Just thought you'd like to know.

Josh

* * *

**To: Josh Grey**

**Fr: Marz Grey **

**Re: well…**

Hello to you to! I'm doing fine honey, how is your day. You're so inconsiderate, you only wrote one sentence on that email. : (

I'm 40 something weeks pregnant, I need to be loved.

AND WHAT DO YOU MEAN DRACO ISNT COMING OVER! He will, if I have anything to do with it.

Mary.

* * *

**To: Draco Malfoy **

**Fr: Marz Grey **

**Re: Ahem**

DRACO XAVIER MALFOY, you will be coming for dinner at our house on Saturday. Do you understand? NO no's or buts or one-syllabled words, you got it. I haven't seen you in ages and I'd like to see you before I give birth to another 4kg baby, you got it?

Now that that is out of the way, how are you? What's new in life? Have you got yourself a girlfriend yet? If so, how dare you not tell me sooner.

Ooh, ha the baby just kicked…ouch. Ah I hope ill be seeing you on Saturday, please come!

Love,

Marz

* * *

**To: Marz Grey **

**Fr: Josh Grey**

**Re:Hello sweetie**

Yes, he will come over if you have anything to do with it. I'm kind of feeling sorry for the guy, are you going to:

Blackmail

Plead

Whinge

Or Have a Pregnancy sympathy act, just like you do with me?

Ah anyways, David and his Girlfriend aren't coming over…long story

Josh

* * *

**To: Josh Grey**

**Fr: Draco Malfoy **

**Re: Moron**

You had to get your Over-dosed Hormonal wife on me didn't you? She let on the Sympathetic-Pregnant act…they're so over controlling!

Fine I will go over, but I'm still not too happy with you

Draco

* * *

**To: Draco Malfoy **

**Fr: Josh Grey**

**Re:Over-dosed hormonal wife**

man can't you just wait until you get one of your own! Haha, what are friends for eh? Yeah, she's tried the sympathy act on me too, but I'm slowly becoming immune to it, I think ill be the first man ever to do so!

Well I'm heading off home, it's 6:30 man, and you should've been home long ago…

Josh

* * *

**Positively…PUTRID!**

**By: Ginevra Weasley**

"_Positively Paradise," the restaurant on Eastwood Road which had all the spunk and class to be a very popular and exciting new bistro, to me is a sham._

_Last night after trying a variety of different serves including: Soups, Seafood and Salads, I was not content. The dishes were cold and lacked flavour._

_My accompaniment had also tried the soups and meat dishes, with the same results. The meat was either under or over-cooked and the serving platter was most unhygienic. The details of which I cannot write about; but whoever has supported my judgement before, do so again._

_The waiters here were most unkind and didn't care about what the customers had to say. It was as if they had heard the chagrin before and had learnt to ignore it._

_The best part of it was leaving. I have never been so disgusted in my choice of restaurant before; and my perception got even worse when I had found out I had food poisoning, as did my partner._

_I ask if any of you who are willing to go there, please send me your review of the place, I would really like to know your thoughts._

_Email me at: __Gin Weasley ginevra. _

**Hey you, are you ready to Grumble?**

**By Ginevra Weasley**

"_Lakewood's Lodging Bistro" had caused quite ruckus in the past few days. Its owners are having a tournament, to see who can eat the most food, consisting of: Meat pies, Apple Struddle and Pumpkin soup, plus many more mouth watering foods! The winner takes home a year membership to the lodge, plus free food on Fridays!_

_If you haven't heard of Lakewood Lodge, then what are you waiting for? Get out there and see it! Their service is absolutely marvellous, the food is delicious, especially their Cheesecake! And the view is simply dazzling if you're out on a romantic dinner: a large window portrays the beauty of the Lakewood Lake._

_Selma Kidonski was the victor of the competition, consuming over nine pies, five large servings of Apple Struddle and eight bowls of Soup. _

_I must admit, I am quite impressed; she almost beat my record, as I was the previous winner of the competition._

_But putting that aside, it's a great little get away for couples to revitalise their love lives and indulge in the scrumptious food and amusing activities that the Lodge has every weekend._

……………………………………………………………………………………….

**To: Draco Malfoy **

**Fr: Josh Grey**

**Re: It's happening…again!**

……………………………………………………………………………………….

Draco mate, the misses is starting to get contractions so we're heading off to the hospital. Ah, I can already see it; after about 10 hours, my hand is all swollen and blue, and she's still yelling for the damn thing to come out! Anyways, would you be a darl and look after Ashley? Please mate? You owe me; remember the time when we were in Vegas, and…well you know!

Gotta go, she's yelling… how I loathe this!

Josh

……………………………………………………………………………………….

_**( Beep)**_

**_How does this work? Is this bloody thing on? Bloody muggle technology…oh here we are…Yeah this is Draco, I'm not home obviously, so leave a message and go and annoy somebody else….bloody muggles…._ **

**(Tone)**

Yeah-nice message Draco, they'd all think the Grinch lived here. I tried to email you, but you didn't respond, where the hell are you? ( 'Hurry moron') Yes-darling….yeah that was Marz, she's going into labour Draco! ….if you're there pick up…I tried appararting AND flooing but I couldn't get through, honestly Draco, who's out to get you? Anyways, we'll be at St Mungos, so stop by and have a bite of all the excitement!

……………………………………………………………………………………….

**JOURNAL: DRACO**

_**21:30pm; Wednesday 28/6**_

_I've said it before, and well I'm gonna say it again. Shit, shit shit shit shit. Mary went into labour today, and gave birth to little Jaz (short for Jazmine…der!) she's a heavy one that girl is. Almost 6 kgs and 53 cm long. As Ashley said: She's a pumba._

_Anyways, getting back to the point, after work I had to go and see my bloody cousin Xavier, about some inheritance rubbish concerning Old Aunt Black. Him and his bloody money, I bet he wipes his ass with it. _

_Then I get home and there's a message on the machine for me. At first I couldn't find how to operate the damn thing, then I got it and heard that Marz had gone into labour, could I go and watch Ashley. Yay, more tea parties with the Teletubies. So I quickly apparated to the hospital and hurried to find the maternity ward. Turning a corner I slammed into someone, cursed, then-being the gentleman that I am- helped her up. WOOOOOOAHHHHHHHH, big shock here…I could recognise that voice anywhere. _

"_Granger?" I asked. She all of a sudden froze and looked up; yeah that's her all right._

"_Malfoy?" nice you caught on love._

_Now I'm gonna hex myself for saying (writing) this but, she was pretty good looking. She didn't have bucked teeth or that thicket of frizzy brown hair anymore, and she had a fine body-not that I took any notice, but you know I BUMPED into her, so I felt something._

_Then I heard another voice but in, and I remembered her. Good old Gin Weasley, she wasn't too bad, unlike her prat of a brother, and she seemed almost friendly...but most of all she looked as if she were about to regurgitate a large cow. _

_When we all said our pleasing goodbyes, I resumed on my quest to the maternity ward._

_I found them quite easy, Mary was yelling for potions to kill the pain, and Josh was yelling to free his hand from the 'Wrath of the Pregnant Wife' I smirked and went over to where Ashley was and when she saw me, I almost suffocated due to the tightness of her grip around my neck. Man I'd hate to get hit by her when she's older, the little devil._

_So anyway, they went in and Ash and I were outside, when I see Granger coming towards me. I was a little suspicious at first and there was a long eerie, quite annoying silence until the devil spoke up, which I think eased Granger and I. She said she came to return my wand. How the hell would she've got it? I checked my pockets to be sure and I saw her roll her eyes. Nice. "Thanks" I said. Just thanks; what the hell was I going to say? Would you like to Join Ashley and I in a pretend tea party? (BTW we weren't playing tea parties, I added that in for my amusement)_

_She then said bye to the Devil and I and mentioned that 'my daughter' was cute. I didn't know if she was adding it for conversation or if she really thought Ashley was my kid, but it was plain obvious she wasn't. The kids got dark hair and eyes for god's sake, not too mention she's got some colour on her skin. I'm as white as an ass- but still devastatingly handsome, mind you._

_I told her she was my goddaughter and that I was waiting for her mum to come out labour. Was that too much to say? I mean I haven't seen this girl in ages and I'm just telling her things I shouldn't, but then it was like it didn't matter, as if it was a normal conversational topic._

_Then that moron of a friend came out and started yelling, "It's a girl" sure I was happy for him, but was it necessary to blow out my eardrums? Then he looked towards Hermione and then to me, asking who is this girl._

"_Josh this is Gra…Hermione (close one) Hermione this is Josh," they exchanged pleasantries then she spoke up. Saying: nice to meet you Draco (I saw a confused look on her face and then smirked) and congratulations, then she was off. Just like that, I mean I don't know any other way, but it was strange._

_Then the idiot threw a suggestive look at me. I glared at him and walked in to see Marz and the baby. She looked exhausted and Jaz: almost identical to her sister. The dark complexion was there, all from their mother's side. Fortunately Josh didn't mention Hermione and left it at that the whole evening. I was slightly relieved, because I didn't need Mary going all 'giggly' at me._

_I just hope tomorrow Josh doesn't come to work, because if he does, I'll never hear the end of it._

* * *

**Thursday 28/6**

* * *

**To: Herm Granger **

**Fr: Gin Weasley **

**Re: How the hell was I supposed to know…..**

* * *

… I'm not a bloody mind reader. But what a coincidence! I mean you two just 'bumped' into the one another (after not seeing each other in…what almost 10 years!) and you both cursed…looked up and were about to apologise when the 'inevitable' happened….

"Granger?"

"Malfoy?"

Oh, what a beginning of a classic love story…how my heart melts. And to think, it all started in a hospital, where I was endlessly regurgitating! Too bad you left early though, David came to see me, and maybe you two could've got to know each other better.

By the way, where did you end up going? I saw you go in the direction Draco went…oooooooohhhhh, what DID you do? You must tell me darling, seriously!

Oh I'm sorry love, it must be all the drugs they gave me yesterday at the hospital

Gin

* * *

**To: Gin Weasley **

**From: Herm Granger **

**Re: what DID you do…**

next time you're sick, remind me to never visit again; unless I want another blast from the past. And you didn't even thank me! The last thing you said to me was, " Go for it Granger, what a spunk" and then you vomited all over the floor. Such a nice way to support your proclamation.

Ill pop in tomorrow and tell you the whole story, it was quite amusing actually- I must admit, he's much nicer than Hogwarts and he's good with kids.

But until next time,

Ciao for now ;p

* * *

**To: Herm Granger**

**Fr:Gin Weasley **

**Re: OH I don't think so**

You are not leaving me in suspense! Good with kids? Has he got children? Haha, can you imagine, Draco Malfoy with two kids crawling all over him! And what's this about him being nicer? HERMIONE!

What DID you do? I'm getting nauseating thoughts here…spill it!

With open arms (and thoughts)

Gin

* * *

**To: Gin Weasley **

**From: Herm Granger**

**Re:Kids crawling all over him**

Actually it was his goddaughter Ashley. She is so adorable!

Keep on thinking lovey, but I'd hate to disappoint you tomorrow, it's not that extreme.

Keep it up,

Herm

* * *

**To: Herm Granger **

**Fr:Gin Weasley **

**Re: Extreme**

Love, extreme to me, is eating a vegetarian pizza with meat—It just doesn't exist in my book!

I will get revenge my dear hermione, and boy will it be sweet! (more so than a cheesecake, with ice cream and strawberries. Mmmmmm )

:( Gin

* * *

**HERMIONE'S JOURNAL:**

**Thursday 28/6**

**22:40pm;**

_Such an interesting day yesterday was! I came home from work and I just lounged around, watching The Bill, when I get a call from Ginny saying to pop by. So I got dressed (into something much more comfortable than my workday heels) and apparated over._

_It was normal (if that's what you can call a trip to Ginny's home) until she started to get very bad stomach pains, and I mean bad! She was slapping her head to try and get the unwanted attention away from her stomach; which didn't work mind you. So then I took her to St Mungos, and that's where all the 'fun' started._

_We were walking (well it was actually quite fast, as Gin was on the verge of emitting her dinner all over my jeans) to sign her in, when I collided with someone running from the opposite direction…._

_OOMPH! It hurt a little; I fell on my bottom-which is still quite sore mind you! - and I cursed silently. He was nice enough to help me up, and I was just about to say sorry when I heard that ever-familiar voice say, "Granger?" I looked up to grey eyes, ah yes my ahem, acquaintance from school._

"_Malfoy?"_

_I hate to admit it, but he's pretty nice on the eyes. Tall, muscly, blue-grey eyes and (thank god) his hair was not, I repeat was NOT gelled back! It was on the short-longish side, but it really suited him; I hate to admit, and after I finish this, I'm going to salt my eyes out._

_Then Ginny, all of a sudden getting a burst of energy cuts in, "Hey Draco, how are you? Nice seeing you but we'd best be off. Hermione come on, I feel my ice cream and jelly coming up. Bye Draco." _

_Yeah, "Bye Draco" just like that. It was as if he was a friend from school, and there was no sarcasm leaking from it. _

_He was still in a bit of shock but replied, " Bye" and walked off. There was quite an uneasy feeling for a few seconds, and then Gin tugged my sleeve. I was about to go when I saw his wand on the floor, so being the considerate person I was-and am- I bent down and picked it up._

_I stayed with Ginny for a while, the Doctors said she had an ulcer and an infection, but hey I could've told her that. It must've been that restaurant she and David went to._

_I said something along the lines of " Listen Gin, I'd better go. I have to return something I've found. The doctors say you'll be out tomorrow, so ill see you then. Hope you get better luv," when I was about to leave, and she just smirked at me and replied,_

" _Yeah yeah no worries. Go for it Granger."_

_I almost choked. Then I thought it must've been the drugs, so I rolled my eyes and left. My ass it was the drugs! It was just the hormonal Ginny, entertaining her "Russian Friends" _

_Anyways, I followed Draco's direction, having absolutely no idea if he was still there or not, and it led me to the maternity ward. Draco's wife perhaps?_

_I didn't need to ponder or look for him that long, as I saw him sitting in front of a room playing with a little girl of about three. She was so sweet, but I could tell she wasn't Draco's child. She had black ringlets in her hair and dark brown eyes, I mean yeah sure it could be his wife influence, but sometimes you can just tell, ya know._

_Anyhow, I didn't really say much as he must've sensed someone was there and looked up. There was a long silence, until the little girl spoke up. 'Unci (so cute, the language not him) Draco, is she one of yours and dads friend?'_

_Oh how I would have loved to hear his response, but I could tell he didn't really know what to say, so I chimed in, 'Oh no, sweetie. I just came to give him something he lost.'_

_So you know I walked over and said the obvious, you lost this when we bumped into one another. He then checked his pockets to see if I was lying. Ppft! Like I would want to find him, just to have a nice little catch-up session. So he then said thanks, and then there was more silence. Oh how I hate it sometimes. I said bye to him and then to the little girl, "your daughter is very cute Draco."_

_I knew she wasn't his, but I needed to say something, even if it was to my once enemy. He started to blush, then smirked. "No, she's my goddaughter. My friend's wife is in labour, and I'm just watching Ashley here. _

_I smiled…yeah I SMILED at MALFOY and the even scarier thing was that he was too. Not a smirk a smile. The door opened and a man who was half in pain (clutching his hand- I presume that's the work his wife's death grip) and joy. He shouted to Draco, 'It's a Girl!' _

_To which Draco replied: Geez, man. No need to shout._

_Oh well still the insensitive dumbass I suppose. Then the guy turned to me and said Hi, he didn't even know me, and he acknowledged my presence! Draco then spoke up, "Josh this is Gra…Hermione. Hermione, Josh"_

"_Hi, well nice to…um meet you again Draco. Congratulations to you and your wife. Ill be off, bye."_

_And that was it; it was extremely weird, yet it was like it was supposed to happen. He was much nicer than I thought he would be, even if he only said a few words. Or maybe that was because his mate and goddaughter were around him, who knows?_

_The only think that is worrying me is Ginny. She threatened to get her revenge on me, and I know Ginny: she means what she says. As long as it doesn't involve my mother, it'll be all right…hopefully…_

* * *

REMASTERED

**SouredSweetie**


	5. It's a small world after all

**

* * *

**

**Chapter FIVE: It's a small world after all.**

**FRIDAY 29/6**

* * *

**To: ****Carl Bronston **

**Fr: Herm Granger **

**Re: Not coming in today**

Hey Carl,

I'm not coming into work today; so don't dare give me a tardy, OK?

Gins sick she went into hospital yesterday, turns out she's got an infection and an ulcer; so I'm going over to her house today and look after her.

I know what you're going to say, "That's not a legitimate reason" well tough Carl, and who knows, maybe this long weekend will do me some good eh? I'm overdue for a break!

I've got enough for my columns; just ask Sharmayne or Ted to look in my file

Tchuss!

Hermione

* * *

(_Ring, ring, ring)_

"_Hello"_

"_Hey Gin, it's Hermione"_

"_Well of course it bloody Hermione, she's the only one who'll ring me up at bloody 8:30 when I'm dying in bed, to have a chat"_

"_Please, no need to exaggerate my dear. Anyways, do you have any plans at about lunch?"_

"_Hermione how can you think of eating, when I'm here in bed thriving to get my hands on an egg and bacon roll with barbeque sauce?"_

"_Haha, I see you're not aloud to eat heavy eh?"_

"_Yeah, bloody doctors. Think they know everything about the human body, but they don't."_

"_Ok then, so are you?"_

"…_.And I have to drink a bloody potion in substitute for food…."_

"_Ginny!"_

"_Yes? Oh right, no I'm not"_

"_Good 'cause ill come over; I took a day off work"_

"_Oh good! But you did tell Old Bronston, didn't you? I don't think another tardy will do you good missy"_

"_Oh don't worry, I emailed him. Look 'd better go, I have bacon and eggs in the fry pan…. mmmmmmmm"_

"_HERMIONE, you cow. Ok, so ill see you at 12?"_

"_Yep"_

"_Good, I've got some juicy gossip on your love boy"_

"_Love boy? You don't mean Draco right?"_

"_On a first name basis are we? Ohhhhhhh, I can't wait to talk to you!"_

"_Oh shut it Gin. Ill see you soon. Bye"_

"_Haha, Bye"_

* * *

**To: Herm Granger **

**From: Carl Bronston **

**Re: "Look after her"**

My ass you are Granger, you two will probably end up gossiping and watching dreary romance movies and pig out on chocolate and ice cream.

But fine; make sure she's back at work on Monday though, she's in a bit of trouble with one of the restaurants she reviewed; they say her column has decreased their visitors and what not. Get a lawyer handy for her eh?

BTW, Vanessa will be peeved not me, I couldn't care less if you came to work or not, as long as I have something to put in the paper.

Carl

* * *

**To: Carl Bronston **

**Fr: Herm Granger **

**Re: Oh puh-lease!**

Of course you care, you'd miss me at work :P

Yeah we probably will pig out and gossip, care to join us?

Hermione

* * *

**To: Sue Granger**

**Fr: Gin Weasley **

**Re: Hello!**

Hey Sue, how are you?

It has been a while since we've spoken, hasn't it? And so much has happened I'll bet!

I've been in hospital with bad stomach pains; turns out I have a bad infection and an ulcer, but hey, I'll live!

Anyway, I was just wanted to let you know that Hermione is seeing someone. I know, about time! But she didn't want to tell you until she was sure he 'was the one'

His name is Draco Malfoy and he's a Lawyer; he's apart of a firm with my boyfriend David. I just thought you'd like to know, as I don't think it's fair leaving you out of the circle.

I hope to catch up with you soon,

Love ginny

* * *

**To: Carl Bronston carl. Sharm Vonaė sharmayne. Aneen Gnish aneen. Michael Breenay michael. Ted Simpton ted. **

**Fr: Gin Weasley **

**Re: Our Little Miss Hermione**

Hey Crew!

Long time no see or talk eh? But that's a good thing :P

Oh I'm joking, I miss the daily gossip session by the water cooler!

But getting back to the point, yesterday when I was at the hospital, Hermione (literally) and I, bumped into an old school classmate. They 'hit' it off, no pun intended.

Well, maybe not so much as well thought, but enough to notice each other. I'm planning to do some scheming to set them up. How you ask? Well my boyfriend ( Sharmayne and Aneen, you know David) works with him! What a coincidence; it's like they were meant to be!

So it'll start off from there. Here's a little about Draco ( Victim # 2)

Name: Draco Malfoy

Age: 26 (you're too old Sharmayne, so don't try anything)

Height: 6'4-ish

Build: Muscular (Stop drooling Ted)

Hair colour: Blonde

Eye colour: Grey-blue

Occupation: Lawyer

Herms visiting me this afternoon, so I shall update the profile (and what happened) later today! Or ill tell you all on Monday!

Love,

Gin.

P.S. DO NOT; I REPEAT DO NOT TELL HERMIONE ANY OF THIS, OR WE'LL BE DEAD…literally.

* * *

**To: Gin Weasley **

**From: Sharm Vonaė**

**Re: Draco**

Darling, I was getting excited just reading his profile! You know how I love my blondes, especially tall, muscular ones!

Oh Gin sweetie, if it doesn't work out between our little Hermione and him, can I take him?

Hugs and kisses

Sharmayne.

P.S. Darling I hope you get better, we miss you around here.

* * *

**To: Gin Weasley **

**From: Ted Simpton**

**Re:You naughty wench**

But gin love, can't I have him? He sounds delectable, but perhaps my Little Miss Gossipmonger, is too good for him, don't you think?

Just kidding, I'm a hyped up Homosexual!

Sounds fun, gotta love ya!

Ted

P.S. Carl might bite your head off, but I swear he's as interested as us to know!

* * *

**To: Gin Weasley **

**From: Carl Bronston **

**Re: Oh my god**

This is what you two are going to be gossiping about? I would've won THAT bet.

Btw, you're in trouble so find a Lawyer, Granger will tell you more.

Carl

* * *

**To: Draco Malfoy**

**Fr: Josh Grey**

**Re: So, who's the girl?**

Draco you naughty thing! Is she a fling? She seemed shy though, and you embarrassed…what was going on? Did I interrupt a sensual moment? I might have to get it out from Ashley you know! I'll black mail her into telling me; unless she wants her mother to find out who set the jelly-leg curse on Gretel (mother-in-law)…That was a classic; but she thought I did it! My only fault was that I encouraged her to do it…

I've left this for two days and I didn't tell Mary, you owe my some explanation. So spill it.

Josh

* * *

**To: Josh Grey**

**Fr:Draco Malfoy **

**Re: fling**

I'd love to fling you out the window, right now. And if we weren't in separate offices, I would've!

No she is not a fling, she just went to Hogwarts with me. We didn't quite get along then, and I don't think we will now. So don't try anything.

We bumped into each other, both having respected place to be and I dropped my wand ( I didn't know, of course) Then after a while, she found me and returned it; then you, you moron, show up and act like everything's all cheery and I have to introduce you…that's it. Nothing happened.

Now leave me alone.

Draco

P.S. why aren't you at the hospital with Mary? Got sick of the family already hey?

* * *

**To: Draco Malfoy**

**Fr:Josh Grey**

**Re:'Leave me alone'**

What crawled up your ass and died? Have you got your monthlies?

Oh I'm joking!

So you two were old school acquaintances, eh? Interesting. And you two bumped into each other? Very interesting.

How cliché is that?

But fine, I'll leave you alone. You're so boring when it comes to women.

Josh

P.S. Mary is at home. It seems because she's already had a child, she doesn't have to be there for a recommended week. I should sue them! This means my mother-in-law is staying with us for the week.

And I thought waking up at 3:00am was bad!

* * *

**To: Josh Grey **

**Fr: Draco Malfoy**

**Re:Cliché**

Yes, Very.

And I am not boring when it comes too women! I am actually quite the romantic; it's just that since you've tried to "spice it up" for me, its plummeted.

Draco

* * *

**To: Draco Malfoy **

**Fr: David Felnof **

**Re: Hermione Granger**

I'd have annoyed you about this yesterday, but I was busy with a client. So now I shall unleash my wrath…

You had a little encounter with Miss Hermione Granger eh? How'd it go…wait, don't tell me…not too well?

A source tells me you went to school with her and weren't on the best terms with each other. That explains why you are hopeless with women.

I'll just give you some information about her:

She's a popular journalist and works for the London Post and is occasionally writing in Cosmopolitan.

That's about it.

David

* * *

**To: David Felnof **

**Fr: Draco Malfoy **

**Re:How do….**

…you know her? And why should I believe you? You're a Lawyer you lie.

It's none of your business whether we are enemies or friends, so kindly butt out.

Thankyou!

Draco.

* * *

**To: Draco Malfoy**

**Fr:David Felnof **

**Re: So you're interested I see…**

After work I'm going to my girlfriend Ginny's house, and I think Hermione will be there. Ill keep you updated.

David

* * *

**To: David Felnof**

**Fr:Draco Malfoy**

**Re:WAIT**

Your girlfriend is Ginny? As in Ginevra Weasley?

Shit, no wonder you know her!

What crap luck! if you say anything stupid or ask too many irrelevant questions, ill kill you; and don't think I wont. There are just some things you don't want to know about me…

YOU GOT IT DAVID!

Why the hell am I emailing you? Ill just go tell you off in your office

* * *

**To: Draco Malfoy**

**Fr: David Felnof**

**Re: Ah ha**

Too late Draco, my boy. I'm on the laptop in my car.

Oh, and don't worry. I wont ask THAT many, but enough.

Yours TRULY,

DAVID

* * *

**SouredSweetie**


	6. The Price of Alcohol

**

* * *

**

**CHAPTER SIX: The price of alcohol**

**Saturday/Sunday/Monday **

* * *

**SATURDAY 30/6**

**

* * *

**

**To: Herm Granger **

**From: Gin Weasley **

**Re: HERMIONE!**

You know you could've been a little nicer to him! It was our week anniversary, but thanks for making an effort; I know how much it kills you to be friendly to anyone I date.

:( Ginny

* * *

**To: Gin Weasley **

**From: Herm Granger **

**Re: GINNY**

Oh come off it Ginny! He was asking way too many questions about school, Draco and I.

I'm the bloody journalist; I'm the one who asks the questions!

I still don't trust him Ginny, there's something really sly about him.

Getting off your boyfriend (that sounds weird) I can't believe Draco Malfoy is a Lawyer! HAHA, what happened to the "All things Muggle are Mutant" remarks? I almost choked when David told me…which reminds me, why didn't _you_ tell me when I came over?

Also, why didn't you tell me about getting sued? I expect you're having David as your Lawyer? Well good luck, but you won't need it. I just did some research on MGF law firm, and they're pretty good. You'll win the case I'm sure. Turns out the 'G' part of it is the guy I saw at the hospital (the one whose wife was in labour)

It's all too weird for me.

Hermione

* * *

**To: Herm Granger **

**From: Gin Weasley **

**Re: It's getting too weird**

Tell me about it! But, now don't choke or hurt yourself (or me) when I say this but, don't you think it was meant to be?

I mean, you bumped into Draco (who is a very RICH and successful Lawyer; not too mention a Malfoy) who is a partner in my boyfriends firm and has known him for years; you're single, he's single- you are both stubborn and don't like questions and both met in a hospital while visiting a regurgitating friend and the other who'd love for the thing to just come out.

You both hate David, and you're both looking for love, EVEN if you won't admit it!

Hermione, I think this is a classical story of love and hate; where they will both be awoken from the dark and seek for something new and exciting! This develops into a meaningful and lustful loving romance!

Ready to re-kindle that flame?

Oh, how I wish I was you!

Ginny……….

P.S. I've known about the case for a couple of days, yes David's been helping me and I think the restaurant will put down the charge, it's no big deal.

* * *

**To: Gin Weasley **

**From: Herm Granger **

**Re: Put a sock in it Shakespeare.**

Did you read what you're saying? "Lustful loving romance" You're a complete nutcase you know that!

Re-kindle what bloody flame? It's been lights out ever since I've known him!

I'll just ignore everything you wrote/said; I usually do anyway when it comes to you, men and romance.

Do you want to go out with "The Clan" tonight? Sharmayne's bringing "Pinko" – I don't think she knows his name is Derrick yet; Aneen and Ted are coming as well as Harry! It's been ages since we've seen him! (I'm sorry if it seems uncomfortable, but you've gotta get over things like that) Maybe you could bring 'Davey boy' and introduce him to the tribe, since last time you ran off and left us; just to go and have a nice night-time shag

Time: 6:00

Place: Spure

See you there,

Hermione

* * *

**To: Herm Granger **

**From: Gin Weasley **

**Re: Night Time Shag**

Oh har har Granger!

I just rang him up and we're going.

Don't you worry about Harry and I, we're over you know.

Just friends.

See you,

Ginny

P.S. Nice choice in Restaurant, I've taught you well.

* * *

**To: Sharm ; Aneen Gnish ****; Ted Simpton ****; David Felnof **

**From: Gin Weasley **

**Re: Alright Crew…**

No funny business all right? No talking about Draco or Harry.

(David, Harry's one of my oldest friends and also my Ex)

(People, this is David my boyfriend)

As long as we are clear on that, all will go well, capish?

See you all there!

Ginny

* * *

**To: Draco Malfoy **

**Fr: David Felnof**

**Re: Hermione Jane Granger**

Well, after a nice little banter with Ms. Granger last night, I take pleasure in informing you that Hermione is as stubborn as you are. Congratulations, we have found a match.

She also thinks little of me, as do you and she thinks I'm a 'sly-ass little rodent.' Remember to keep that one in your daily insults. Of course she didn't know I heard her, but I did hear her say, 'He's as nosy as a piss-ass frog.' Where she comes up with these- I don't not know.

She lives in London, works for the London Post and occasionally in Cosmo (leading woman's magazine-just in-case you forgot to buy yours this week) She's 26, single, her parents are dentists and own there own business. She doesn't think much of romance and has almost beaten up a guy, when she was standing up for woman's rights.

I thought you said she used to be goody-two-shoes. I think the bloody woman's a mad rebel.

Gin and I are going out tonight with her and their work mates, care to join us COINCIDENTLY?

Well, there's your Granger intake in whole, stay tuned for Sunday, when more dirt shall be unleashed.

Aviento Malfoy.

* * *

**To: David Felnof **

**From: Draco Malfoy **

**Re: I don't believe you**

Granger is not a rebel. She must've been lying to you. I'm surprised she didn't have her nose in a book or something. Or did she?

No I won't take your offer. I have better things to do than to see you for an extra day of the week. Five is enough.

Have fun, and don't worry about getting more info on her, I never asked you for it, and it's all a load of 'piss-ass' (although that comment, I believe and totally support 100) anyway.

Draco

* * *

**To: Draco Malfoy**

**Fr:Josh Grey**

**Re: My man.**

Draco, my man…GET ME OUT OF HERE!

I have just realised that you indeed are a very smart specimen, and all men should follow in your footsteps.

Don't get married, and if you do…get rid of the mother-in-law as soon as possible!

She's a bloody nightmare Draco, seriously. Honestly, it's a bloody sin to put your feet on the table and slurp when you eat soup and wash your hands in the kitchen sink after having to plough the freggin garden. Who ploughs a garden?

Let's go out somewhere, somewhere nice and soothing where at one stage all your worries will leave you because you are severely hangover…I know that place, heaven! Nah, do you want to go to a bar or something?

I need a severe intoxication of high-price liquor. See, I'm sounding like a madman. Floo over in about 10 minutes, and that's an order.

Josh

* * *

**To: Josh Grey **

**From: Draco Malfoy**

**Re:Ooh **

Yes Sir, straight away Sir.

Ha, she's killing you eh? Ah, a few more days won't kill ya...but under these EXTREMELY intense circumstances, you should be gone by Monday.

Okay, I need to get out too. You have 10 minutes, and that only.

Draco

* * *

_Well this is certainly interesting. _

_I haven't been this amused since…well ever._

**SPUR RESTAURANT **_Ginny and David are having a snog-o-thon, and Harry looks as if he is about to Avada David._

**-Slurp, Sizzle and Sweet**_Hey, I'm not stopping him; but honestly, it was Harry's fault they broke up…_

**Entrees: **

**Roasted Tomato and ricotta tagliatelle**

**Pasta with beef ragu**

**Vegetable ramen**

**Minestrone**

**Crab and Corn egg flower noodle broth. (**_What a bloody mouthful of a soup name! Yes, I'd like a soup, that's it. That's all that needed to be said: A Corn and Crab (eww) soup!)_

_Omg, my ex Michael is coming over here, probably wondering why we didn't invite him (IT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE AN EGOGISTIAL BASTARD, WHOSE HEAD SWELLS UP WHEN HE GETS EMABARASSED!)…Oh great! He has the nerve to ask me 'Why are you writing on a pad of paper' WELL I'm just writing on this menu, because…._

**Main Course: **_I don't quite know why. Anyhow after this we're going to…Roadman's bar…_

**Char grilled jumbo prawns**

**Mee Grob**

**Chill lamb cutlets**

**Caramel pork and pumpkin stir-fry**

Vegetarian burgers with coriander garlic cream 

**Thai beef skewers with peanut sauce – (**_I'd love to put a skewer in someone's eye ATM)_

**Dessert: **_Wait a tick I know why I'm writing on this…IT'S because I am slightly drunk. _

**Caramel nut tartlets**

Lemon Cheesecake 

**Hazelnut opera **_CORRECT!_

**Praline dacquoise**

**Pavlova with fragrant fruit**

**Mud cake**

**Sundaes (Flavours include: Caramel, chocolate, strawberry and banana)**

Ice cream is available with all servings of dessert 

_One point for me!_

**Drinks: **_(Woah, no more for me)_

**Water (natural or mineral)**

**Lemonade**

**Coke**

**Orange juice**

**Hot Chocolate**

**Cappuccino**

**Coffee (black or white)**

**Alcohol is available at the bar.**

SHIT! Please don't tell me that's…Crap! It's Aneen's Ex…GONZO or… (Ted is chuckling over my shoulder, reading this; how I don't not know, I can't even understand it! Where's the privacy gone?) Thanks Ted…Yes Jeremy, he's here. But how the bloody hell does he always know where we are!

**Mint and biscuits are $1 with all beverages. **_He's coming over this way, DUCK ANEEN!_

_That does it; I'm going to show him a thing or two…_

**Thankyou for coming, we hope to see you again. **_(How Cliché)_

-HA! Bullo! You don't want to see us again….

* * *

_Shane,_

_Have you lost your small mind? We cant go through with it. They'll find out, you know they will, and if I know anything about the Mudblood: she'll find out about your little secret or should I say secrets._

_Granger wasn't supposed to hit me, that wasn't in the deal Nigen. Its bad enough she broke my nose and then the asshole Malfoy gives me the right hook. You're really pushing it and if you weren't in hiding, well at this stage you would've been._

_But I got his details; he took me to the hospital and gave them too me. But I don't see the use of them. You won't be able to just apparate in on him, the guy's a wizard "genius" so he's probably got tones of protection spells on it._

_You'll have to find somebody else to do your dirty work, you're little inputs haven't helped the fact they hate me, even if they don't know YOU._

_We can't do it,_

_Jonks_

_

* * *

_

**DRACO'S BLOODY FREGGIN JOURNAL**

**Saturday 30/6, 11:34pm**

_Like my new title? Draco's bloody freggin journal, it's very formal. _

_Oh what the hell is wrong with me, I'm writing to a bloody journal, how low can my life get? And at the moment, it is very low._

_Another question that one day I will ponder-whenever I can be bothered- is why is it that when I'm ever with Joshua Grey, I always do something stupid. If I'm not totally plastered, I'm picking a fight with an already crippled man. _

_This brings me to why I'm wasting my time writing, when I could be sleeping. I got in a fight with a guy who just suffered a totally clobbered encounter. The guy's nose looked like it was falling off (slight exaggeration). The poor guy got seriously battered. Ha. He deserved it._

_So Josh and I were coming out of Rodman's bar, everything normal, (except for Josh's inebriated (drunk) look on his face) and we were looking for an alley to apparate (although it is dangerous when someone is under the influence- best not tell Marz that)_

_When this moron bumps into me. Just barged right into me, as if I was bloody transparent. _

_So I told him to watch out, well actually I told him to &# off- (but that's not the point, no-one slams into me with out getting hexed) then he looks up to me, but I couldn't place that familiar face. And I started to snigger, 'poor bastard, some guy got him bad. Probably hit into **him**' I said to Josh innocently…I swear! _

_Then he starts getting all physical on me. It's bad enough to hit me, but to continually try and touch me (unless you're a woman) is totally uncalled for._

"'_You watch out you asshole,' " He said to me. The nerve!_

_So then we started to push and shove. Josh the idiot didn't know what he was doing and was bragging to the people walking by us that, "The blonde's my friend. Go mate go."_

_Then he did something that was totally uncalled for- it was as if he bound my legs. But I recovered, somehow and injured his arm and bruised his leg. Hey, I'm not promoting violence, BUT HE STARTED IT. He gave me a bruised shoulder and a black eye, that's worse. My delicate complexion ruined! _

_I don't know what's going to happen, I took the poor ass to the hospital and he got my details. The nurses didn't let me stay over night; they said it wasn't serious- NOT SERIOUS? Hello, MY FACE!_

_Oh well, I smell trouble, and it stinks._

_What's worse, I think the guy's a wizard._

* * *

**SUNDAY 1/7**

* * *

**To: Herm Granger **

**From: Gin Weasley **

**Re: Oooooooohhhhhhh!**

Oh man Hermione, if looks could kill, you'd be 6 feet under by now!

What happened to you last night? I mean, I know you were drunk and all, but you were still placid, well up until Jeremy Jonks….what a bloody last name JONKS, came over to us…

GIRL POWER!

But how did you do it without a wand? I never thought you were the type to throw a punch at a Muggle…

I don't think David will annoy you anymore; HECK I'm slightly scared of you now :P

Talk to you tomorrow

3 Ginny

* * *

**To: Herm Granger **

**From: Sharm Vonaė **

**Re: DARLING**

Darling! What moves you have! I didn't know you could throw a punch like that; care to teach me? I'd just love to show my Ex-husband what a 'drunken flirt of a Fashion Editor' I am.

You're such a gem!

X0x0x0x0x0x

Sharmayne

P.S. Thanks for telling me his name; he was getting somewhat annoyed with me calling him "Pinko" all the time. There are only so many times you can use the excuse "it's your Pet name darling"

* * *

**To: Herm Granger **

**From: Aneen **

**Re: Hermione! I am SO so sorry!**

Hermione! I cannot express how sorry I am for what happened!

I shouldn't have come last night…it was so wrong of me. I knew Jeremy would find me (he always does) and cause a scene…I just hoped for this once that he wouldn't…but as always proven: I was wrong.

OH Hermione, I can fully understand if you'll never speak to me again. But thanks for throwing a few punches his way; he really deserved it.

My apologies,

Aneen

**

* * *

**

To: Herm Granger

**From: Ted Simpton **

**Re: Whoa baby!**

If I weren't homosexual, you'd better run!

Aren't you a little fighter, you wench? You were even better than Keanu Reeves in Speed and The Rock in Walking Tall, mmmmmmmmmmmmm…and when did you start weights? I can see a nice refinement in those arms of yours missy!

Oh don't be scared, I'm still gay :P

Poor Aneen though, all the way home she was panicking because she thought you'd be mad at her. You've gotta love her sometimes!

See you at work Xena!

Ted

* * *

**To: Ted Simpton **

**From: Herm Granger **

**Re: Aneen**

Yeah tell me about it. She was all 'sorry this and sorry that' I think the poor dear should get a chill pill. I'm not mad at her.

And what's this all about Xena? I know how much you love her…should I watch out: P

I don't know what went over me yesterday; I was like a mad woman…it was scary!

Maybe my drink was spiked.

Ciao for now,

Xena

* * *

**To: Aneen **

**From: Herm Granger **

**Re: Yesterday**

Aneen Luvy, you've got to stop worrying and apologising! You've done nothing wrong. It just that asshole ex of yours really gets on my nerves; and last night when he hit you; I blew it!

You should take some legal action Aneen, seriously. He's literally stalking you.

I'll see you tomorrow at work, ok?

Hermione

* * *

**To: Sharm Vonae **

**From: Herm Granger **

**Re: The secret**

The secret to my success is:

GET TOTALLY HAMMERED SO YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

But seeing as you are always like that (drunk), you only have to work on hitting them, instead of snogging them senseless.

That's it; oh and you really have to hate the guy/girl, to gain the will power or knocking them off their feet.

Hope that helps

Hermione

* * *

**To: Gin Weasley **

**From: Herm Granger **

**Re: I'm in trouble**

Besides not trusting/liking your partner, there's something fishy about Jonks. I mean how can he know exactly where Aneen is…ALL THE TIME WE GO OUT? And it's as if I'm the constant target, and it's not just because I'm the nutter who gets mad at him.

I don't know, maybe I'm just paranoid; yeah I think that's it. I'm a bloody paranoid maniac.

But, what did really happen? I mean he came over started causing a scene (as usual) said some bad stuff, I slapped him and that's all I can remember…I mean I'm severely hung-over so I don't know what happened….

Care to help me out?

Hermione

P.S. What's this about Michael calling Harry: DRACO?

CARE TO EXPLAIN THAT ONE, MISS WEASLEY?

* * *

**To: Herm Granger **

**From: Gin Weasley **

**Re: Help you out**

Sorry love, but you're going to need more help than me…

Ok, well here is the scene.

You were writing on a piece of paper; the menu I assume, looking plastered.

Ted was checking out some guy who was believed to be gay; and was totally drooling all over himself.

Harry looked as if he could kill David, whilst talking calmly to Aneen.

Sharmayne and Derrick (a.k.a. Pinko) were 'discussing' some things they were going to be doing when they got home (but I reckon they were taking the 'talking' up a notch if you know what I mean) Ms. Sharmy was going as Red as her leather coat.

Then Michael comes up from the bar and starts talking about something or other; I seriously don't know HOW or WHY you went out with that man! You must've been desperate or totally or your knockers!

P.S. Sweetie, I have absolutely NO idea what you were talking about…Harry as Draco? Yes, you were drunk; it was all in your imagination.

Mwa Mwa (Omg, that's so…Sharmayne-y)

Gin.

* * *

**To: Michael Breenay**

**Fr:Gin Weasley **

**Re: What?**

Personally I don't care if you're the managing editor of the newspaper that I work at on a weekday basis; but who the hell told you about Draco? Did you eavesdrop or get it from a source, which can be identified as Sharmayne Vonae?

What is wrong with you?

* * *

**To: Draco** **Malfoy**

**Fr: Josh Grey **

**Re: Go go go go**

Go go go go Malfoy, I smell a court case, you're gonna die cause it is a court case, Dave's gonna kill you cause it's a court case…but if that guy is smart he wont make a court case…

Ha, I'm listening to some 100 cents (isn't that a dollar?) or something and I'm rearranging the words: That proves to be a bad attempt.

I don't think you should've given him your details- he might sue you. But then again, when he heard who you were, he sunk deeper than my mother's eye bags. I wish I had your power, oh great Malfoy.

I knew you could hit, but damn…Ouch.

I can't wait to tell David. Ha.

Josh

* * *

**To: Draco Malfoy**

**Fr: David Felnof**

**Re: Ouch.**

News travels fast, how's your eye? Haha, it didn't tarnish that lovely Malfoy physique did it? I hope so.

You'll never guess what news I have for you. Innocent Hermione gets drunk faster than you get pissed off with me. You two would make quite an item you know.

And like you, when she's drunk she likes to use her fist, and in her case her whole body. Some guy one of the girls used to date came there and caused some rouble. Anyways he hit Aneen (the girl) and started swearing. I was utterly disgusted, no one treats a woman like that, and even you have enough decency to not do that.

So our little miss cuss-et jumped on him and smacked him one. Right on the nose- I'm surprised he still has one and everyone in the restaurant jeered her one. Something about Girl Power, I don't know, that's too Spice Girls for me.

So what do you say about that? Most probably that my brain is too small to ever make up such a thing, right?

Think about it.

* * *

**To: David Felnof (**

**From: Draco Malfoy **

**Re: Right…**

He didn't have an all black ensemble now did he?

Whatever man, see you at work…oh how I dread Mondays

Draco

* * *

**To: Josh Grey **

**From: Draco Malfoy **

**Re: har-har, when did…**

…You become a comedian? I should've let you live in that peril with your mother-in-law, you jack ass.

I'm glad you found the whole situation exceedingly entertaining, that you made a stupid jingle out of it. And that you had the nerve to tell David about it.

Man, is the whole world against me or something? I'm afraid that if I see you on Monday, the events of Saturday night will come and haunt me, and my eye will delve deeper into the black hole of my ever-strenuous brain.

Good day!

* * *

**To: Draco Malfoy **

**Fr: Marz Grey **

**Re: What's this…?**

I hear you discouraging my husband to unhand the strain of mother in laws? Shame on you, Mr Malfoy. Shall I tell your auntie?

Hah, oh it's an open threat, but Joshua might tell her.

The poor guy, he's dying because of my mother. You think I should let him out of his misery by telling him she's going tonight? Nah, me neither.

Drop by some time, when the oldie's not here.

Miss ya (so does Ashley)

Mary

P.S. What's this I hear you beating up some guy? Naughty, naughty.

* * *

_Dear Draco,_

_It has been a while since we have spoken; since the last family banquet in May I believe. Such a shame you do not visit more often, your cousin misses you terribly. You must stop on over._

_I write to you today, to address two minor flaws in your daily basement. The first is that you are 26 and not with a woman. My dear, you and Xavier are the last two in line for the Malfoy name, and both aren't getting younger. We need to continue this heritage Draco, most of the pureblood witches are too stupid to run a business or spell there name for goodness sakes (take that Pansy girl, why your father wanted you two to mate, I shall have no idea) so we are broadening your choices, you may marry any woman you want, as long as she knows wizardry, and knows her place. Unfortunately that includes the Mudbloods, but make sure she will not tarnish the name._

_Also, I hear that you have gotten yourself into a brawl of some sort. That is not respectable behaviour Draco. If anyone should hear such a thing, it would taint our Name and our Future. I shall have no more of that, understood?_

'_Tis a shame to leave you on a bad note, but it must be said._

_Your Great Aunt,_

_Oh and also, I believe you have been notified of our family get-together. If not it is in two weeks. The same place as always._

* * *

**Journal of Draco Malfoy**

Sunday 1/7

_Oh hell, how did she know? Bloody aunty, if she wasn't so slow in typing up her will, I'd have gotten rid of her by now… _

_She has no right, none at all, to tell me who and when I should date. Oh yay, now I can date mudbloods, not that I care for that absurd name anymore, but I did date a mudblood-shame I cannot recall her name…._

_Mate? Mate? What am I, an animal? Get with the times woman!_

_Anyway, that's all I have to write, I'm peeved off, that's what I am…_

_I had to shrug off some unwanted energy…now I'm going to kill Josh…_

* * *

**To: Josh Grey **

**From: Draco Malfoy **

**Re: Why the bloody**

Hell did you tell my aunty? You know if I stuff up anymore I won't get my inheritance! You ass, now she's lecturing me about marriage…marriage for god's sake. She's the one who married 4 times!

Draco

* * *

**To: Draco Malfoy **

**Fr: Josh Grey**

**Re: Nice**

To know you care so much for money, and I didn't really want to open this email because I knew it would be pessimistic with the title "Bloody" on it, but I had to seeing as this stupid computer kept saying, "You've got mail, you've got mail" I had too.

YES I KNOW MORON, YOU'VE TOLD ME 100 TIMES…

Now that I'm settled, I didn't tell your Aunty, I'm scared of her, and you know that.

Maybe David did it, hmm?

Josh

* * *

**To: Josh Grey **

**From: Draco Malfoy**

**Re:Lovely day**

(Is that title better for you? Or doesn't Sarcasm fit either?)

I don't really care about the money surprise surprise, it's my bloody cousin Xavier, he's too immature to get a majority of it, he'll spend it faster than Marz on her day off…and that's bad.

Draco

* * *

**To: David Felnof** **From: Draco Malfoy **

**Re: Let me ask you something **

Did you tell my auntie about Saturday? Hmm?

I hope you know how hard it is, listening/ reading about an old ladies opinion of marriage when she herself has been the victim of the disease several times.

You're a 'sly old rodent' you know. One point for Granger.

* * *

**To: Draco Malfoy **

**Fr: David Felnof**

**Re: Oh**

How your words hurt me. I shall forever shrink away into nothingness because of your evil wrath.

I told Xavier who must've told your Aunt; tough.

Yes he did.

David.

**

* * *

**

To: David Felnof

**From: Draco Malfoy **

**Re: yes.**

Yes, but would you stay there, shrink away I mean.

What do you mean by "Yes he did"?

* * *

**To: Draco Malfoy **

**Fr: David Felnof**

**Re: Yes he did**

I believe you and Hermione attacked the same guy.

Another trait you two both share. Violence.

May your children not suffer from such a contagious disability?

David.

* * *

**DIARY OF SHANE NIGEN**

_This is brilliant._

_My plan worked, Granger's drink was spiked with an aggression potion which was pinpointed at Jonks. So when she saw his face she'd automatically want to punch his face. Jonks didn't know about the potion though and is now whining to me about his mucked up face._

_Now I have to convince him to 'sue' her and then we can trap her and…_

_I wasn't counting on Malfoy to get involved, but the fact we got his details is excellent._

_It's all going according to plan._

_Potter was at the bar tonight, talking rubbish no doubt; I should've listened. I was trying so hard not to just go up to him and hex scar face into oblivion._

_Well I will soon._

* * *

REMASTERED

**SouredSweetie**


	7. Bittersweet Revenge

**

* * *

**

**Chapter SEVEN- Bittersweet Revenge**

**Monday 2/7**

* * *

**MONDAY 2/7**

* * *

_Jonks,_

_My God you are such a whinger. Just because you got beat up by both Granger and Malfoy doesn't mean I have to empathise with you. In fact, I'm jumping for joy! _

_We got the Mudblood and traitor both in our little pockets and now we can stuff them in and get revenge, if only the sensible way at first, then we can pummel them; you can have Malfoy and I'll have Granger. This will be sweet and if we play it the right way, we can use their heads as balls._

_Sue them, that's the safest way at first. No doubt Malfoy will want to get his revenge on Xavier so he'll defend Granger and who knows, we may be able to get the two traitors together so they don't have o die alone._

_Don't stuff this up Jonks; I got you from Azkaban YOU owe ME. Or would you rather it your head through the hoop?_

_Shane._

* * *

**To: Herm Granger **

**From: Mummy and Daddy **

**Re: Hello.**

Hello sweetie,

We have finally got email, as you can see! Your cousin Terry hooked it up for us, last weekend.

How have you been sweetie? We thought the Nazi took you, we haven't heard from you in what seems like ages. You still have a phone don't you? You haven't totally gone wizard on us, have you?

Anyway, your Father and I are doing pretty well. The business is growing strongly and we've had more patients than before. On Friday we're going to a conference in Scotland, it should be fun besides the fact we are going to talk about teeth. Your Fathers looking forward to it, although, I haven't quite told him I was invited as well.

So Missy, how's your love life going? Ginny emailed me and informed me that you and Ron broke up... how unfortunate! He was much better than that Michael guy, I was scared that you're children would grow up with oversized heads.

Ok, that was unnecessary, but all in all the truth.

I hear that you have a new fling, if I am not mistaken, Darren or David, I think his name was. You must bring him over for us too meet, after the Conference.

Well sweetie I'd best be off. Your Fathers complaining that that water is overflowing from the oven. I just don't see why he can't get up and remove the lid. You try getting that promotion that you highly deserve ok?

We both love you,

Mummy and Dad.

* * *

**To: Gin Weasley **

**From: Michael Breenay **

**Re: What?**

Well since no one offers to tell me anything, I have to find out the hard way all of the time. Although this time I found it quite easy when I heard Aneen yelling over her desk to Ted, telling him about the little-get-together, which I yet again, wasn't invited too.

Oh of course I heard Sharmayne shout it. That woman never shuts up.

Either way, I don't find it your business Ms. Weasley and good on Hermione for moving on, and finding, Drarry or Harco or whoever he is and whatever his bloody name is.

Michael.

* * *

**To: Gin Weasley **

**From: Herm Granger **

**Re: MY MOTHER**

It's nice to know that you and my mother are close, but what's this about a romance life? David or Darren…could she be muddled up and actually meant to write DRACO? Hmmm?

Ginevra Weasley I told you nothing happened between us, ok? I haven't seen him lately anyways.

See you tomorrow,

Hermione

* * *

**To: Herm Granger **

**From: Gin Weasley **

**Re: Fine**

Yes, I told her about you and Ron breaking up, but she probably mixed up you for me, I'm the one dating David, not you.

Mothers are so silly sometimes!

Oh all right, yes I told her about Draco and everyone at work too. So there. But remember Granger: I have connections with Malfoy.

Connections Granger.

Think about it.

Ginny.

P.S. Connections

* * *

**To: Gin Weasley **

**From: Herm Granger **

**Re: Connections**

I'll give you connections Weasley.

I'll connect you to a wall and hex you until the slugs slide out of your ears and nose and until you laugh so hard that your trachea comes out of your mouth!

Don't think this is an open threat Ginevra Weasley. You know what I am capable of.

See you tomorrow

Hermione

* * *

**To: Herm Granger **

**From: Gin Weasley **

**Re: ok.**

Oh fine! Party Pooper.

* * *

**To: Herm Granger **

**From: Human Resources**

**Re:Legal Action**

Dear Hermione Granger,

I have been informed by a: Jeremy Jonks that some inappropriate behaviour occurred on Saturday night, on your behalf.

It is none of my concern of the incident that was subjected on that night, but as your advisory contact, Jeremy Jonks has consulted me to notify you that he has decided to take Legal Action before you.

He is in a stable condition, but has suffered a broken nose.

On a working reminder, this is unacceptable behaviour Hermione Granger, and if any of your violence is conducted at work, serious action will be accounted for.

Vanessa McGaughn

Director

Human Resources

London Post

* * *

**To: Draco Malfoy**

**From:David Felnof **

**Re: Got a call**

I just got a call from Ginny. Turns out the bastards suing Hermione for hitting him. What a wimp.

But I emailed you (before work, note) because, since you and her obviously have a dislike for this shady character, you might want to be her lawyer in the case. Because it's probably you, Ginny asked, or me but Hermione will probably go with Josh or a totally other firm.

It's up to you.

David.

* * *

**To: Gin Weasley **

**Fr: Herm Granger**

**Re: Oh, geez…I wonder**

YOU DID WHAT! Ginny, I am capable of finding my own lawyer! I don't need you and 'Dan Kaye' to give me a boost! I'm stressed out enough…and you commend Draco Malfoy of all people! You're lucky Sharmayne and I are occupied checking out the water cooler guy…

* * *

**RedHeadedWench: Oh settle now...child. If anything I think you're rather enjoying this tryst with Draco. **

AudiciousGossipMonger: What tryst! I bumped into him at the bloody hospital, and you're already thinking about a wedding…or is it just the food?

**RedHeadedWench: A wedding already? Hermione, you should get to know the guy first….**

AudiciousGossipMonger: GINNY!

**RedHeadedWench: You now, the more defensive you are, the truer it is…**

AudiciousGossipMonger: That does it; I'm going to do something so immature….

**RedHeadedWench: Hermione, what….**

**RedHeadedWench: HERMIONE!**

* * *

**To: **D**avid Felnof **

**From: Draco Malfoy **

**Re: What….**

What may I ask am I going to do with her address? I can't just email her and say "Hey Granger, hear you beat up a guy…never thought you had it in ya…was it with a book? Anyway, I hear you need a lawyer, well you got one here. Hello,"

Are you insane, have you forgotten we were enemies at school, I'm sure I mentioned it. You tell your little red that I'm busy the next few weeks.

Oh and in the future, DON'T try to get me clients.

Yours EVER-so kindly,

Draco.

* * *

**To: Draco Malfoy draco. **

**From: David Felnof david. **

**Re: Why…**

Why can't you say that? It sounds nice on paper…scared she might hit you? Haha!

Oh be a man Draco; just email her yourself. I can't believe a woman intimidates you, or are you smitten?

David

* * *

**To: Hermione Granger**

**From:Draco Malfoy **

**Re: Pending Law Suit**

Dear Ms Granger,

I am aware that you are in need of a lawyer for a pending law suit, unfortunately my time schedule is full, ensuing that I am unable to defend you in court.

However if you would like to stay with the firm you may like to confide in Joshua Grey or David Felnof. Their emails are at the bottom of the page.

All apologies,

Draco Malfoy

* * *

**To: Herm Granger **

**Fr: Gin Weasley **

**Re:I assume…**

…That by your abrupt laughter Jess and Nick have finally split up. But personally I think you should be more distressed about the 'Appropriate Work Behaviour' course that we have to attend. I mean it wouldn't have happened had you not come barging into my office like a bull on red and thrown my cheese and spinach fettuccini in the rubbish bin. You know how much I love my Italian!

Ginny

P.S. It was pretty stupid, not much of retribution

* * *

**To: Gin Weasley **

**From: Herm Granger **

**Re: Tough**

**Attach: DracoMalfoy.098**

**It **serves you right anyway. Ha, I almost thought you were going to eat it from the rubbish bin. But no, instead you aimed it at me! Too bad the door opened and Vanessa got the hit. You're such a bad aimer.

"This is irresponsible behaviour for two senior writers," blabla, she's just jealous that she doesn't have close friends to throw pasta at! What's wrong with me Ginny? I'm doing the most stupid things lately!

Anyway, Draco Malfoy emailed me today saying 'his schedule is too full' Puh-lease; he should just cut the crap and just say, 'I don't work with Mudbloods'

How do you think I should reply to him? Nice and formal? Or straight to the point, Granger style? Any ideas?

Hermione

* * *

**To: Gin Weasley; ****Herm Granger **

**From: Human Resources**

**Re: Intolerable behaviour**

Ladies, or should I say girls? No need to be formal so I won't.

Due to your irresponsible behaviour in Ms Weasley's office, both of you must attend a Work and attitude seminar on Monday 9th July, at the Wentworth building, Suite 12 at 10:00am sharp.

Also Ms Weasley, you will be receiving a Dry Cleaning Bill with the amount it will take to clean this cheese stain off my new Ralph Lauren suit.

I hope in future you will act with more maturity and dignity.

Sincerely,

Vanessa McGaughn 

Human Resource Division

London Post

* * *

**To: Herm Granger **

**From: Gin Weasley **

**Re: WHAT AN EGOGISTICAL… **

Why the hell should I have to pay for her bloody 'Ralph Lauren' suit? She shouldn't wear expensive clothes in a newspaper office, she should bloody well know it's a war zone…personally I don't see why she has to brag; well all know she gets her clothes from the Salvo's.

Getting off the D.O.C. I think you should stir around with Malfoy for a while. David said you two would be a good match, you're both sarcastic, witty and hate David…it should be an interesting battle.

Anyway I have to go, I have a stack of work and review to attend. I'll see you tomorrow.

Love,

Ginny

* * *

**To: Gin Weasley **

**From: Herm Granger **

**Re: Oh you…**

Are a harsh one aren't you. Yeah I think I will play around with Malfoy for a while, he deserves it.

Anyway, I've got some inside-office goss, turns out our little D.O.C. had a bit of fun last night, no not sexually Gin. Ted and I 'over-heard' her saying she met this wonderful man last night, tall, handsome, rich (go figure) and smart- but we all know she just raised her voice so we could all hear.

Have fun i'll see you tomorrow,

Hermione

* * *

**To: Dr****aco Malfoy **

**From: Herm Granger **

**Re: Lawyer issues**

Dear Draco Malfoy,

How unfortunate it is that you couldn't be of service, I hear you are quite a skilled and successful lawyer. But it seems to me that you have some colleagues that could be of service, it is really appreciated, but unnecessary.

I did some research and found you have a cousin Xavier Malfoy, who is also a Lawyer, and just as successful, would you recommend him?

Thank you for you consideration and facilitate, but ill manage from here.

Yours sincere,

Hermione Granger.

**

* * *

**

To: Herm Granger

From: Draco Malfoy

**Re: Xavier Malfoy**

Ms Granger,

Seeing as you didn't want any help ill give you some advice, I do not recommend Xavier Malfoy, he is unreliable and irresponsible as you are yourself. I mean who would think Hermione Granger would get drunk and go Kung Fu on a man?

But it's nice to know you considered me. I thought you'd want nothing to do with me, guess that was as much of a surprise as you hitting a man. Anyways, you'll need more help than Xavier Malfoy, on a note.

Yours kindly,

Draco Malfoy.

* * *

**To: Draco Malfoy **

**From: Herm Granger**

**Re: Awe I'm shattered.**

As you can see I've dismissed formality from this email, I don't see the need to be formal to you.

You're not intimidated by your cousin are you _Mr. Malfoy_? Is that why you stress so much on his lack of capability? Draco Malfoy intimidated? I guess things can change.

No loss for me Draco, I'm capable of finding a lawyer, who is more obsessed in his job than his looks. Just to let you know, I had no idea that The Reds decided to recommend me to you.

Yours truly,

Hermione Granger.

P.S. I know you wouldn't want to defend me, you know you're not good enough and will loose. The truth really hurts sometimes.

P.P.S. Sarcasm isn't really an attractive characteristic- I should know.

* * *

**To: Draco Malfoy**

**From: Josh Grey **

**Re: Hmm,**

Considering you're laughing, something's not right. Draco Malfoy, laughing? Hahah, hmmm.

I'm guessing it's to do with your 'delightful' cousin, or your 'adoringly' scary Aunt, or you found a fat man in a porn website. I somehow have a strange feeling it's the former.

Anyway, I'm just emailing to warn you that, you should stop sniggering; we are all getting suspicious and uncomfortable. Have you forgotten laughing give you wrinkles? Think of your face! Oh the humanity!

Josh.

* * *

**To: Josh Grey**

**From:Draco Malfoy **

**Re: I've decided**

…To risk a smirk for the sake of my amusement. It seems my fellow 'schoolie' has a sarcastic sense of humour and is challenging my to the battle of the wits. She thinks I'm too chicken to defend her in the courtroom. I knew she wanted me. Anyway, you know that guy who I had to take to hospital; yeah well she was the one who broke his nose. I didn't think she had it in her.

Times are a-changing.

Draco

* * *

**To: Draco Malfoy**

**From: Josh Grey**

**Re: Um Draco…**

Well I wouldn't mess around with her, she'd destroy that 'oh so perfect' face of yours.

But aside from that, don't you think it looks just a bit suspicious that an owl is at your window in broad daylight. Don't want anyone finding out your roots do you?

* * *

_Dear cousin Draco,_

_It has been a while since we have exchanged words and have seen each other face-to-face. But it has been even longer since we have written to each other in one form or another. I personally don't see why you resort to Muggle technology, the 'old fashioned' owling works just fine._

_I'm sure you've heard about Aunt Blacks gathering held in a few weeks, many from the ministry will be attending. But I'm sure you're not interested._

_On a more friendly note, I would just like to rub in the fact that I have a new case, when was your last one Draco? Well this involves a wizard Jeremy Jonks and what I can only assume a muggle. Turns out my client was abused by a woman and suffered a broken nose and bad bruising. Pathetic really, if the man had any dignity he wouldn't even have bothered, but he assures me this wench and he have had encounters before. An easy case really, and it will be taken through a muggle courtroom. Should be another win against my name, don't you think? You haven't had one for a while, or is that because you haven't had a case hm?_

_I'm sure Aunt Black would rather give more inheritance to a man who is reliable and can win, don't you think?_

_Anyway, I will leave you their cousin, and shall see you in a few weeks._

_Yours truly,_

_Xavier Malfoy._

_

* * *

_

**To: Draco Malfoy **

**From: Josh Grey **

**Re: Interesting…**

Interesting choice in words Draco, and from experience I think it has something to do with your cousin. I mean who owls these days?

Could you just keep your blasphemy and curses down a notch a little? I'm currently with a client who already thinks you're a madman.

Josh.

* * *

**T****o: Josh Grey **

**From:Draco Malfoy **

**Re: Madman**

Yeah that's my bloody cousin for you. Turns out he's going to be prosecuting Hermione. And he's dead set on winning, and I can't let that happen….his winning I mean.

Josh, I think I'm going to do something I'm going to sincerely regret…

* * *

**To: Draco Malfoy draco. **

**From: Josh Grey**

**Re:What!**

You're going to cancel your botox appointment! God forbid!

So your going to defend Hermione aren't you?

* * *

**To: Josh Grey**

**From:Draco Malfoy **

**Re: …**

Yes.

* * *

**To: Draco Malfoy **

**From: David Felnof **

**Re: I couldn't…**

Help in overhearing your cursing at your cousin I assume, and listening to Joshua telling me that you're considering to defend Ms Granger. Well good luck, knowing your close relationship I'm sure she will just 'jump' at the opportunity for you to defend her.

If you need any help to convince her, here's Ginny's email address:

ginevra.

* * *

**To: David Felnof **

**From: Draco Malfoy**

**Re: no comment…**

I'm not as pathetic as you look. I can handle Granger all by myself and I don't need Red to help me out. It's not for her sake, but rather the revenge on my cousin. So don't get any ideas.

Draco

* * *

**To: Gin Weasley **

**From: Draco Malfoy**

**Re: Don't delete**

We aren't the best of companions, actually we aren't that at all, but I need you to convince Granger that I'll be her lawyer. I know I said no before, but something's come up, and I figure she's going to need more help than she thought.

You see my cousin Xavier is defending the 'innocent' and well…oh why the heck I'm I telling you…

Can you just try convincing Granger? I'm going to email her now…

Um, thanks I guess…

Draco.

* * *

**To: Draco Malfoy **

**From: Gin Weasley**

**Re:Interesting proposal**

Hello Malfoy, how have you been in the past ten years or so? I loved your straight to the point introduction, very Malfoy-esque.

I don't know if ill be a bit to help you. I mean she was have a nice time stirring you up, but I don't think she would want you as her lawyer, knowing your fruitful past. But hey I'll try, and if it works, you owe me lunch.

Ginny

* * *

**To: Herm Granger**

**From:Draco Malfoy **

**Re: Okay Granger**

No time for pleasantries, I know you're desperate for a lawyer and look I know you don't want me but I will… help you. I don't have to explain my reasons for doing so; it's just that some things have come up.

I don't know if it is coincidental that you mention my cousin, or if in fact you knew that he is prosecuting you. Anyway I can't let my cousin win; it's a pureblood thing- no offence of course.

So Granger what do you say? I'll even do it for free I don't care, I'm not thrilled about it, but desperate times depend on desperate measures. What do you say?

Draco

* * *

**To: Draco Malfoy**

**From: Herm Granger**

**Re: hmmm**

No.

It was such an inspiring piece, but because it was all about you, I thought, well better not let me ruin it.

Better luck next time trying to payback your cousin and wooing a lady. I see you're not experienced.

Unofficially apologetic,

Hermione Granger

* * *

REMASTERED

**SouredSweetie**


	8. Queer Understanding

**

* * *

**

**Chapter EIGHT – _Queer_ understanding **

**Wednesday 4/7**

* * *

**To: Herm Granger **

**From: Ted Simpton **

**Re: Someone got too close….**

…Too close for comfort yesterday in the alley, didn't they. Just because I wasn't there, doesn't mean I didn't see what happened. Prepare for untailored teasing. I didn't get a chance to hassle you about it yesterday so I figure today you'd get your dose. That little man of yours is quite something isn't he? Watch out missy, you've got competition.

We have a bet running down here in programming that he's going to be your lawyer and husband by January. So spill it, or ill show Vanessa those emails you and Ginny have been exchanging to each other. Oh and don't think I can't sweetie; I'm a computer programmer you know.

Adoringly yours,

Ted :P

* * *

**To: Ted Simpton **

**From: Herm Granger **

**RE: YOU**

You wouldn't dare! That's confidential, you can't tell…. and WHY are you reading our emails Mr Simpton!

Anyway, nothing happened. So don't dare tell Ginny anything, I know what goes on in that crude mind of yours.

Hermione Granger

P.S. If you tell Ginny anything, I will tell McGaughn that you were the anonymous man she became infatuated with on that chat room.

P.P.S. And if you don't thinks that's bad, I'll tell Ginny who ate all of her Cheese, asparagus and bacon quiche last week.

* * *

**To: Herm Granger **

**From: Gin Weasley **

**Re: Okay,**

All I've been hearing lately are murmurs about you, Ted and a handsome blonde mystery man. Dracos not gay is he?

I thought being your closest friend you would share with me everything? So what happened!

Ah crap, I have to go. Nosy Narell (a.k.a. D.O.C) is snooping around my cubicle…

But don't worry when she gone, I'm going to hound you down.

Ginny.

* * *

**To: Gin Weasley**

**From: Ted Simpton **

**Re: Draco Malfoy**

You little lazy thing you. If you would've stopped yakking to that lover boy of yours and gotten off your gluteus and came with us too lunch (What a surprise you didn't, even if we mention the 'F' word- food- you'd have jumped higher than a man with a needle up his ass) you'd have seen the man Hermione had been criticizing the last few days. But sources tell me you already have, but I thought you might want to share the magic…

Fortunately I had him all to myself…

Ted

P.S. If our fiery Hermione mentions anything to you about your missing quiche, it wasn't me. It was actually Vanessa.

* * *

**RedHeadedWench: Okay you weasel spill it. Who ate my Quiche! **

GayManWalking: Ms Weaslette, is that you? Well this is a surprise, you never IM me…

**RedHeadedWench: Well there's a first for everything…No time for pleasantries. What happened yesterday?**

GayManWalking: Well I went to lunch and I had a lovely Chicken Teriyaki burger with coriander garlic cream. Totally mind blowing Gin, you should try it. Anyways…

**RedHeadedWench: Oh was that at the Ritz? Yes they also make a divine pork ris…TED!**

GayManWalking: Look Darl, why don't you ask her yourself? I don't really remember what happened, I'm still thinking of his full head of hair…why are all the good men straight?

**RedHeadedWench: Could you be more gay? **

GayManWalking: No darlin', in case you have forgot, I AM gay. I want to know just as much as you do, I was hoping YOU would know something. Is he…?

**RedHeadedWench: You computer people have no life! No he's not gay…**

GayManWalking: Too good to be true…

**RedHeadedWench: Uhg, so you don't know anything?**

GayManWalking: Zip, nadda nothing…

**RedHeadedWench: What help you are…**

GayManWalking: Always of service. All I can tell you is that my little Xena and her man unintentionally met up whilst we were having lunch… I was checking out the barman, ill be visiting THAT restaurant again…things happened and we were outside when Hermione quickly pulled Draco into a nearby alleyway and told me to stay out and listen to what was being said by Jeremy ( you know that poor excuse for a man) and another man…

**RedHeadedWench: Really? And what were they saying? **

GayManWalking: Sorry Gin I can't say, Draco said its confidential and they might need it for the case... I really don't even understand it myself, something about 'Hexes' and 'Curses' but hey, that's just queer…

**RedHeadedWench: yes…queer. Oh ok, thanks Ted. Ben told me you guys were having a bet that Hermione and Draco will get together before the end of this year. I hate to say it but I think you've just lost your fifty. :P**

GayManWalking: oh no, we'll see. Not only am I gay, but also because of this, I have an unusual talent of clairvoyance…

**RedHeadedWench: Man you are queer…**

GayManWalking: and proud of it

**RedHeadedWench: logged off**

GayManWalking: logged off

* * *

_(Ring)_

_(Ring)_

_"Hello MGF Law Firm, Emily speaking."_

_"Hello, I'm Hermione Granger. Mr Malfoy was expecting a call from me."_

_"Ah yes, ill put you straight through."_

_"Thanks"_

_"Ah, Granger. It's about time you called. I was beginning to think you'd forgotten about me."_

_"Don't have to be sarcastic Malfoy, I should've left it for another day."_

_"Yes just to let those burning cheeks dissipate." _

_"Very funny. I was not blushing, it was 10 degrees yesterday, I was bloody cold…"_

_"Yeah I could tell…"_

_"Look I didn't call to be patronized, after what I heard yesterday I've reconsidered."_

_"So you were blushing…"_

_"You're loving this aren't you?"_

_" I haven't had this fun since Law School"_

_"Oh I don't believe that…"_

_"And you have reason not too. It was actually last month. Listen I have to go, how's about on Friday you come by my building at about 12:00, and well talk about it over lunch."_

_"It's not…"_

_"No Granger, its not. Bring Weasley if you think you can't handle the heat…" _

_"Oh you pra…"_

_"See you Hermione."_

* * *

**To: Draco Malfoy**

**From: Josh Grey **

**Re: Ok…**

ok, who are you and what have you don't with the sarcastic, ass Draco Malfoy? I was innocently passing your office to file a few reports when I see the side of Draco Malfoy's lips slightly curve in the north direction, a smile perhaps?

I couldn't help but overhear you flirting, was it…with a woman I presume? I also heard Friday and Lunch, so you're doing things your own way eh? Mind if I join you?

Josh

* * *

**To: Josh Grey **

**From: David Felnof **

**Re: innocently?**

the words 'I' 'innocently' and 'accidentally overheard' shouldn't come from your mouth. It should be 'I was purposely walking past your office to see if I could catch any goss on your love life; or about you in general so I could go and slip it into a conversation with Emily and Felnof, to see there reaction. I found a gold mine.'

It's nothing important, just a meeting with a client. Its confidential information. So butt out Johnny English.

Draco.

* * *

**I****8THETELETUBBIES: Johnny English? Is that the best you could do? Doesn't do me any justice, I would at least think 007 or Indiana Jones would best describe me: charming, handsome and a chick-magnet**

TheDraconis: Not even in your dreams will you be compared to those heterosexual males.

**I8THETELETUBBIES: Are you implying I'm gay? Because if anyone should be gay here, its you.**

TheDraconis: Some men are married because they are trying to cover up their….

**I8THETELETUBBIES: okay we are getting slightly off track here. What are you doing tonight? Mary's been down in the dumps lately, I don't know what's wrong her. Come over and cheer her up will ya?**

TheDraconis: Ha, not even I can help you with your mother-in-law. I don't get along with mothers…

**I8THETELETUBBIES: Explains a lot…you want to come over, I'm in need of a male influence at home. I'm under siege by women!**

TheDraconis: Ah ok, got nothing better to do. As long as I don't have to converse with the 'witch.'

**I8THETELETUBBIES: Not if you can help it…**

* * *

**To: Gin Weasley **

**From: Herm Granger **

**Re: Would you… **

shut up and stop giving me death stares over the cubicle? It's not very becoming. Everyone is looking at you as if you were a madwoman, well actually they're not far off are they…?

Since you won't shut up until I tell you, here it is:

Yesterday while you were one the phone with _Yosemite_ _Sam _(You know the Red-Headed Looney Tunes character with a muggle gun?), Ted and I decided to leave you to it and went out to Ritz for lunch, since we didn't want to wait an hour for you to finish yapping. Both Ted and I have had painful memories of how long you can talk.

So we got there and had lunch, all the while Ted was checking out a presumed homosexual; I know he'll be there again- remind me to never- and the construction workers outside. Everything was fine up until Draco walks in and comes over to me. I asked him how he found me (when I noticed Ted was infatuated with "The Village People") and he said he used a charm to detect me. Ginny the man's a stalker! Anyway Ted was enjoying our bantering and thought it was sweet, ha you should've seen the look Draco gave him.

We walked outside, the whole time Draco was trying to tell me why he wanted to 'up his cousin' and the usual taunt- I swear the man can talk when he wants too, he'd give you a run for your money. I really wasn't listening; instead I was trying to figure out why these two men walking toward us looked so familiar. Then all of a sudden I pulled Draco into the nearest alley way and told Ted to snoop out the two guys. He of course had no idea what I was on about, but he knows better than too rile me up. Too bad Malfoy doesn't.

'What the hell are you doing Granger? This isn't the place to do that sort of stuff' had we not been trying to hide in a cramped area, and had we had room to move, I would've thumped him one. Jonks and Xavier, Malfoy's cousin- Jonks' Lawyer, were standing right near where we were, _then_ Malfoy the idiot, shuts up. Poor Ted, he had no idea what to do, remind me to never again pick him for any prohibited undercover work.

After what seemed like 15 minutes of bantering on our part, they finally left. Ginny, I don't think we should've heard what we did. The worst part was Ted heard some of it too. If Draco hadn't convinced Ted that it wasn't anything out-of-the-ordinary, we would've been busted.

As it turns out, Jeremy Jonks is wizard and an ex-criminal from Azkaban. He was in there for assault and kidnapping. Turns out the guys quite good at getting what he wants, and is known to be over controlling. He torments and stalks his 'victims' and curses them. But he was only in prison for ten years! Someone in his family had connections and got him out.

The problem is, we can't use this against him, a) because we eavesdropped into classified information and b) because we are going through a Muggle court. I don't think they know that I am a witch, but I'm sure Xavier's not an idiot and will see to that.

So that's what happened no big deal, well I mean it IS but it has nothing to do with Draco and I, Ted was just high on…whatever he gets high on….

So could you please STOP pestering me about it! I have work to do, turns our Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore's relationship may be on the rocks. Despite the age difference they were a cute couple…

Herm

**

* * *

**

**To: Herm Granger hermione. **

**From: Gin Weasley **

**Re: You need a new job! Or a column…preferably the latter…**

What an interesting expedition you had yesterday, but it still doesn't explain the flushed look you had on your face when Ted pulled you through the doors…what happened in that small, narrow, dark place where no one could see you?

So Jeremy Jonks is a wizard, there you go! Actually now that you mention it, Dad did tell me something about that case, but that was eleven years ago when I was 15. I personally had my own troubles, so I didn't pay much attention to a criminal in for a supposed 20 years. But hey, you learn something new every ten years!

I'm leaving work now it's late enough, wanna take a trip to Diagon ally? Rekindle lost moments? Ring me.

Gin

* * *

_(Ring)_

"_Well it's about time you called."_

"_Gin, you sound like another Draco Malfoy."_

"_Oh don't insult me. So you want to go?"_

"_Gin, did you know Ron and Luna used to date before Ron met Carla?"_

"…_How did you find out…?"_

"_Oh so you knew…! Why didn't you tell me? God, I made a complete ass of myself..."_

"_Because that was years ago, we were in University, things just happened. What do you mean a complete…."_

"_Just happened eh? Did he leave Luna for Carla, Gin?"_

"_Hermione…Ron's not…"_

"_So he did. As he left me for Luna. Do you know they're getting engaged?"_

"_What! NO Hermione I swear I didn't. How you find that out…"_

"_Oh the hard way. Yesterday when Draco left and Ted spying on the men in sailor suit ( honestly the people you see in London theses days), I saw Luna and Ron window-shopping at a jewellery store. When Luna went in, I quickly stopped Ron and had a talk to him. As it Is, Luna was the 'right one' And that it was a mistake leaving her for Carla, that he was young and stupid…"_

"_Well yeah, what's wrong for you.."_

"_He also nicely mentioned that it was wrong for the two of us to be in a relationship. I guess he was trying to say, " You were my rebound." You know, I felt foolish when I said 'what are you, a...a…grasshopper? Jumping from one girl to another…'"_

"_A grasshopper…oh Herms…"_

"_Yeah, but I saw so caught up in emotion…he just broke up with me a two weeks ago and now he's ENGAGED! It's not fair Ginny…"_

"_What a prat! He should've at least waited a month or two…"_

"_You're not enlightening the situation you know. That's partly why I was flustered. Ted knew of course, but I told him not to tell you anything…I was so embarrassed and shocked…"_

" _Partly? What's the other part?"_

"_You just don't give up do you Ms Weasley?"_

"_Sometimes you have to liven up a dead situation. In all respect Hermione, I think it's just that Ron doesn't want to be lonely. He found out the hard way when he lost Carla, so every relationship after her has been a rough ride for Ron. I'm not saying he's not an idiot, because he is..."_

"_I know Gin."_

"_So what was the other reason"_

"_Pfft, well if you were in a ' small, narrow, dark place' your face inches away from the enemies and bodies almost painfully touching…"_

"_Oh okay, okay sorry I asked. Is he as buff as he looks?"_

" _Very much so. But don't tell him that. I'm meeting up with him on Friday…"_

"_Oh he moves fast doesn't he?"_

"_No you dag, its for the case."_

"_Yeah that's what they all say…"_

" _You know you and Malfoy have an uncanny res…ahhhhh!"_

"_Hermione what's wrong! Hermione…."_

_(Beep, Beep)_

* * *

**To: Josh **

**From: D**

**Re:Remind…**

remind me to never get married, and if so eliminate the mother ASAP. I have suddenly found a new respect for you, in that you had to live with your mother-in-law for the past week.

My face almost split in two having to constantly smile, when I should've hexed her. Too bad she's a witch.

If your up and wondering why I'm email you so late its because I figure you'll be up, drained and looking after Jazmine. Man that's kids got a set of lungs on her.

I see what you mean about Mary, maybe she has post-natal depression, but I think you should check it out first. She looks thinner, paler and worn-out. I mean, she just yelled at Ash, when she asked if Mary could take her to the toilet and went mental when the baby started to cry. I think you should take a few days off and stay with the family.

Consider it,

Draco

* * *

**To: D **

**From: J****osh **

**Re: well…**

I guess you're right. But that means I have to pend more time with the Wicked Witch from the West! The things I do for family…

But all jokes aside, she won't even consider going to the doctors, she's all jumpy and pushy I just don't know what to do with her! It's been like this since a few days after Jaz was born. I've been coming to work because it's my seclusion away from Mary! I mean, I would take the kids with me, but Gretel insists it's the only way to 'cure her'. I think we'd all have major health breakthroughs if SHE went!

I wont come in tomorrow, I thinks it's the smartest thing you've said all week.

Josh

P.S. Thanks for teaching Ashley your version of 'Hey Diddle Diddle' and 'Jack and Jill' I never knew you had such an annoying flair for nursery rhymes.

_**

* * *

**_

_**BEEP)**_

_**Hey you've reached Hermione. Well actually you haven't since I'm not here…but anyway leave your name and number after the tone, and eventually ill reach you! Well that's of course unless you're not home, then I'll leave a message for you! …Oh shut up Hermione…**_

_**(TONE) **_

That's the first time I've heard your new recording message. Make sure the people with the white suits don't hear it. They'll think your insane talking to yourself…

What happened back there? Are you home? Well obviously I wouldn't get the machine if you were…IF SOMEONE IS THERE AND ITS NOT HERMIONE, PICK UP! If you are there Hermione, stop playing around and pick up. Either way, could someone please answer the phone! What am I saying…ring me back A.S.A.P.!

* * *

REMASTERED

SouredSweetie


	9. Hellos, Goodbyes and a few Pranks

* * *

**Chapter NINE: Hellos, Goodbyes and a few pranks along the way.**

**Thursday/Friday**

* * *

**THURSDAY 5/7**

* * *

**To: Herm Granger **

**From: Gin Weasley**

**Re: well…**

Oh so you're alive, thanks for replying to my calls yesterday. It must've been important that you couldn't just spare ten minutes of your time telling your dear friend, why you abruptly screamed in our telephone conversation.

Ginevra

* * *

**To: Gin Weasley**

**Fr:Herm Granger **

**Re: oh,**

So we are on full name basis are we? Fair enough. But just to let you feel guilty, I went to a meeting this morning with Carl, turns out Aneen's leaving, so I'm getting her job. Not the way I wanted to get promoted, but hey, I get the job I've wanted for years right?

Not that you'd be concerned or anything, but Harry came by yesterday through floo. Fred and George gave him some prank powder, so when he arrived at my house he was the figure of a Troll. A giant Troll. Harry knew of course the bastard, but thought to send me to St. Mungos, in the partially dead ward.

So do they answer your unasked questions? I thought not.

H

* * *

**To: Herm Granger **

**From: Gin Weasley**

**Harry Potter**

Oh all right. Sorry. But Avada me for being concerned.

So how's Harry doing? Last I heard he was in Scotland in training for the World Cup.

I haven't seen him in a while….

Gin

BTW I already know Aneen's leaving, she emailed all of us. Do you have your copy?

* * *

**To: Ginny**

**From: Hermione**

**Re: Earth to**

…Ginny. You saw him a week ago. You're not still smitten are you? What about David Felnof? What about all the doodling all over your work diary and computer screen saver: Mrs Ginny Felnof?

Ha, oh I'm just pulling your leg, wanna go out for lunch?

Hermione

* * *

**To: Hermione**

**From: Gin**

**Re: What about David…**

What about David…Pft What about Harry!

Hows about I pull your neck?

Lunch sounds fine :D let me go and freshen up.

Gin

* * *

**To: Hermione; Ginny**

**From: Sharmayne**

**Re: Lunch**

I over heard you two little sweeties in the toilets, and seeing as I don't want to stay in here and eat from the companies vast range of oily substances they call food, I think ill join you. Just let me go and pamper myself up a bit. Since I ended it with 'pinkie' ( what ever was his name?) I've always had the philosophy that there are plenty of other fish in the sea. We've just got to hoist them up with our nets, if you get what I mean darlings.

Back in a flash,

XO

Sharmayne

* * *

**To: Ginny**

**From: Herm**

**Re: Hurry Up!**

Bloody hell, hadn't you been so intent to check your emails to see if you got one from lover boy, Sharmayne wouldn't have caught us! Oh great now your phone rings….

H

And I thought you were the only one who incorporated food with sex, but clearly a new contender has emerged from the dog heap.

* * *

"_Hello Ginevra Weasley speaking."_

"_HEY GIN ITS ME."_

"_Ron you idiot, what are you trying to do? Blow off my ear drum?"_

" _NO. WHY DO YOU ASK?"_

" _You are thick sometimes you know."_

" _YEAH WELL ANYWAY…WHAT WAS THAT LUNA? SHE CAN HEAR ME? oh right."_

"_Nice to know your learning. What did you want Ron? I'm going out to lunch now."_

"_You always liked your food didn't you? Anyway, mum wanted you to come over on Saturday. The whole families coming, including Bill and Charlie. We haven't seen them in a while. Harry's also coming. Mum said to bring Hermione and that new boy of yours. Ginny, what boy?"_

" _Oh shut up Ron. As if you didn't know. I'm sure Harry told you…"_

"_Well yes vaguely…"_

" _I can hear you smiling, what did he say?"_

"…_Hmm I never knew with Muggle telephones could actually see the person, where are you…?"_

"_Oh great Merlin!"_

"_Oh I was kidding Gin. So are you going to come over?"_

" _Yeah, I'll bring Hermione. I don't think David could handle flying tables and dishes that can clean themselves."_

" _Oh that's right he's Muggle…Gin can you do me a favour?"_

" _If it has anything to do with an endless supply of chocolate frogs or inviting the Chudley Cannons to your wedding, keep dreaming Brother."_

" _That would be nice, SISTER, but I actually want Hermione's email address. Luna said we needed to get in touch with all things Muggle if we were going to live in it…and anyways, I have to tell Hermione that everything I said came out wrong…"_

" _Oh I don't know Ron…she's not too happy…"_

" _Well you see that's just it. If I'm going to see her on Saturday, I need to clear things up. Please?"_

" _Oh all-bloody right. It's… got a pen?"_

" _Quill, yes."_

" _So much for getting in touch with the Muggle in you. Ok, at work its: hermione. at home it's know wishlist, the new wizard version of the internet?"_

"_Oh yeah. Thanks Gin, see you Saturday."_

" _See you."_

* * *

**To: Sharmayne**

**From: Ginny**

**Re: Fishes**

I'm never going to look at fishermen, nets or fish for that matter, the same way ever again. Thank you for inputting that vision into my head.

Sorry to intrude, but once you're done snogging the mail boy- yes Sharmayne, we can see you, its not hard if you're wearing a bright yellow Prada suit with a black shirt (you look like a bumblebee albeit a fashionable one) - we can go.

Ginny.

* * *

**To: Gin**

**From: Hermione**

**Re: Lunch**

I can't believe you wouldn't try the Salmon and Sweet salad, just because of what Sharmayne said in the email. It was so yummy! Oh God, I'm going goo goo. WHAT DID YOUR WIDLE BRWUDDAS DO TO ME?

Hermywermy

* * *

**To: Gin**

**From: Sharmayne**

**Re: Lunch**

I never knew you had twin Brothers. They were so adorable! Ooh can you imagine, double the trouble! Are they single? They were just too precious, just like that rock Ben Affleck gave Jennifer Lopez…too bad he didn't give it to me, and I knew just the right top to wear with it…

What's wrong with our Hermione? She's singing Whitney Houston's, " I will always love you'. God, Ginny, what did they put in the Salmon?

The poor darl. Get back to me about your brothers will you sweetie?

XOXO

Sharmayne

* * *

**To: Gin Weasley**

**From: Carl Bronston**

**Re: Hermione**

What the hell is going on out there? What did Sharmayne give her? Sober her up Weasley, I run a newspaper not a bloody zoo.

Carl

* * *

**To: Hermione**

**From: Gin**

**Re: Help!**

Hermione, Sharmayne's got her eye on Fred and George. Help!

On a friendlier note, WHAT THE HELL IS A MATTER WITH YOU? First it was Barbara, then Whitney, Bette Midler, and now Britney…you know you're starting to annoy me lovey…

Ted loves it, " It's a gay mans ultimate compilation." Now he's just waiting for Cher, go on, I'm waiting for "Do you believe in Life after Love" or whatever it is.

God, what _did_ the twins do to you? Fancy seeing them at a muggle restaurant, I wonder why. Ill have to ask Angelina, maybe Fred told her something…

Gin

* * *

**To: Gin**

**From: Hermione**

**Re: Your Bwuddas**

I'm going to kill them. Hopefully ill be sober enough for tomorrows meeting with Draco. Uh-e-o, Dwack-e…oh! I've got to lie down…

Hermione Granger

P.S. what should I wear?

* * *

**To: Hermione**

**From: Gin**

**Re: YOU**

Maybe I should send you to St. Mungos, you're insane. You sound like Pansy back in 6th year when she was going out with Draco.

Wear something sexy, something that says: This is what I've got, that you can't have.

Then make him pay for lunch.

Gin

* * *

**To: HERMIONE**

**From: RON**

**Re: SORRY…PLEASE DON'T DELETE!**

HERMIONE LOOK I AM SORRY, SOME THINGS WERE SAID THAT I KNOW SHOULDN'T HAVE AND THOSE THAT DID, CAME OUT WRONG.

HERMIONE YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU, YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND AND ALWAYS WILL BE DESPITE WHAT YOU THINK, BUT I DON'T THINK A RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN US WOULD HAVE WORKED. PARTLY BECAUSE IF SOMETHING WENT WRONG AND WE BROKE UP, I DIDN'T WANT TO LOOSE YOU AS A FRIEND AS I BELIEVE I HAVE NOW.

I KNOW IT'S WRONG TO GET INTO A RELATIONSHIP OR ENGAGED FOR THAT MATTER ONLY A FEW WEEKS AFTER WE BROKE UP, BUT I REALLY CARE AND LOVE LUNA. I KNOW IT'S STILL NO EXCUSE, BUT IT'S THE TRUTH HERMIONE.

Whoops, Harry's here, he said it's rude to write in capitals, 'they'll think you're yelling' . I didn't mean to Hermione, if that's what you thought. I'm still getting used to these Muggle Technolgese…

Please Hermione, forgive me. I want things to go back to normal between us, and I want you to be happy for me, please? Just like I was for you, when you were dating that Michael guy, the one with the large over sized head. What were you thinking? I thought Fred and George spiked his drink (you know that time you two were over mums) and made his head enlarged. I was a bit shocked when they didn't.

Anyway, I am sorry you must believe me. I miss seeing you and having fun like we used to.

See you on Saturday,

Love Ron

P.S. Harry says to say hi. Also that Fred and George have made you there new target for all their pranks, he says to watch out: they have one that can make you go inane and you start talking like you were to a baby. They of course don't know the side effects, but I guess we'll see on the weekend.

* * *

**To: Hermione**

**From: Aneen**

**Re: Goodbye**

Dear Hermione,

Wow, four years have gone by so quickly, we've had so much fun working together, it only seems like yesterday we were rivalling to get the political column. I just wanted to write this email to you to wish you luck in the future and to say goodbye and sorry for all that's happened these past few weeks. I hate myself for the fact that you're getting sued because my Ex-boyfriend's a…an…IDIOT! Thank god somebody stood up for themselves, thank-YOU for scoffing him! If you need any help in the case, I'll be glad to be of service.

Oh my, that was unlike me.

I'll miss you Hermione, you and the gang…all the fun times we have had, all of your bantering with Ginny, the 'Girls Only' conversations in the toilets, and the condemning of your lawyer. Haha, please keep me filled in. I love working in a Soapie- who needs to watch it on the telly:P

Good luck, and I will miss you,

Your friend,

Aneen

P.S. My new email address is aneen. (I know, I'm working for our biggest rivals. But don't worry, you'll always be my favourite bunch.)

* * *

**FRIDAY 6/7**

* * *

**To: Gin**

**From: Hermione**

**Re: Aneen**

**Attach: Ron 123**

SHE'S LEAVING TO GO AND WORK WITH 'GOOD bloody MORNING LONDON'. She leaves me her job, the one I wanted…to go and get a job I wanted even bloody more!

Oh well, good luck to her. How come you didn't come to her farewell yesterday? We had no one to tell us what and whatnot to eat. All I know is that I'm never going to eat Couscous Crab anymore. Heck, even the name sounds crabby.

Good Goody Goodness, that bloody prank Fred and George pulled on me yesterday still hasn't rubbed off. Remind me to hex them tomorrow.

Can you believe I sung Karaoke yesterday, KARAOKE! I don't think anyone will ever want to listen to 'My Heart will go on' again in the same way. But Vanessa singing, I split my sides with laughter. Ha, Ted recorded her on his phone!

Anyways, I can only assume your brother got my email from you. I've attached what he wrote to this email. What do you think?

Hermione

P.S. What do you think about the outfit?

* * *

**To: Sharmayne**

**From: Gin**

**Re: Hermione**

Sharmayne, I need you to work your magic on our cute yet so-un-sexy-in-a-suit Hermione. Sure she looks gorgeous, but I think she's missing your 'sexual' flair. Lower the shirt and shorten the skirt, we need her have some of that zip-zap-zaz that she had when you took her to that Ralph Lauren shindig.

Take her to one of the stylish clothes shops you know so much about! (Carls not coming back until eleven, so you have an hour and a half to perform your…thing)

If she resists…well I don't know, threaten her, you know you're good at it.

Hurry!

Gin

* * *

**To: Sharmayne**

**From: Gin**

**Re: Hermione**

Job well done. She's showing just a bit more flesh, but not to slutty! I love the look! Formal, classy and sexy. I underestimate you Sharmayne.

Thanks,

Gin

* * *

**To: Gin**

**From: Sharmayne**

**Re: Our innocent…**

Our innocent Hermione…the poor girl wouldn't know the different between Armani, Chanel and Target. The Treasure…

The Fairy Godmother of fashion at your service,

OXOX

Sharmayne

P.S. Darling, could you please stop clicking that pen! I have a severe hangover from last nights little bash, too many Campari's and the little outing with our passé Hermione isn't making the problem go away…

* * *

AudiciousGossipMonger: I am going to kill you! 

**RedHeadedWench: Ah Hermione, good morning to you. Excited about Lunch?**

AudiciousGossipMonger: What I was wearing was fine! But no, you had to go and get Cruella Devil on me, didn't you? I mean okay, she's not THAT bad, but there are only so many animal printed tops to try on!

**RedHeadedWench: Oh come on. You look nice.**

AudiciousGossipMonger: Maybe, but not with an occasion with Draco Malfoy for God's sake.

**RedHeadedWench: Look you can thank me tomorrow, its quarter to twelve you'd better get going…**

AudiciousGossipMonger: What? Oh Bugger! Bye…

**RedHeadedWench: Have fun…**

AudiciousGossipMonger: What do you want to go?

**RedHeadedWench: oh…no don't worry…I'll just stay here and listen to Vanessa bragging about how good her love-life is, and how grand last night with her beau was… **

AudiciousGossipMonger: Oh good, because you know I'd hate to drag you along and you make a nuisance of yourself…you're so understanding …bub-bye

**RedHeadedWench: I was being sarcastic…**

AudiciousGossipMonger: Logged Off

**RedHeadedWench: Cow…**

**RedHeadedWench: Logged Off**

* * *

**To: Josh**

**From: Draco**

**Re: Hey**

So how was it with lady Grouch? I'm surprised you survived it. Look I'd love to stay and chat, there's nothing I'd rather not do than go and have lunch with an acquaintance from school, but I've got to go and meet up with Granger, you know the one I have to defend in court…care to keep me company?

D

* * *

**To: Draco**

**From: Josh**

**Re: Howdy**

Do you want me there to keep you company or sane? Because if it is the latter, then I'm afraid I'm too late. Sorry to keep your hopes up, but I'm a little busy ATM and it's not helping that David's on a sex high. All he's been doing is bragging about his night before…

Personally, I'd be lucky to get a quickie when the kids are asleep and when I've drugged the old woman sound asleep. And when I say sound, I mean the woman's full blast…Mary thought I had snoring problems, well then this ones got serious issues.

Josh

* * *

**To: Josh**

**From: Draco**

**Re: Quickie**

Not really what I wanted to hear about my friends late night/ afternoon endeavours. Thanks for the visual.

Well thanks for nothing I guess. I mean I'm sure you're busy on that Telletubbies website you've grown so fond of…

D

* * *

**To: Hermione**

**From: Ginny**

**Re: Lunch**

Well thanks bloody much for the last chat, you totally ignored me and just logged off…just logged off…it's was like BOOM, Flourish and Blotts had a massive book sale, and you just sped off…!

So, how was lunch?

G

* * *

**To: Ginny**

**From: Hermione**

**Re: Lunch**

Um, yeah it was to be expected of a Granger/Malfoy outing. Full of sarcasm, taunts and just all round garble.

Got to really get going, I've got new research to do, for my latest advance! Yay for me.

I'll see you tomorrow, ok?

Herms

P.S. I know I've kinda left you hanging, but heres a little puzzle to quiz that ever intrusive and inquisitive mind of yours: What's, black white and red all over?

* * *

_**(BEEP)**_

**_Hey you've reached Hermione. Well actually you haven't since I'm not here…but anyway leave your name and number after the tone, and eventually ill reach you_! _Well that's of course unless you're not home, then I'll leave a message for you! Catch up…Oh shut up Hermione…_**

(**_TONE)_**

Hermione Jane Granger! Don't think you can get away from me. Just because you have left work early for some inapplicable reason does NOT, I repeat does NOT leave you from the wrath of Ginevra Weasley. I know what you're doing, leaving me on the edge, you cruel wench you. You'll probably hear this when you get home, because I now you'll purposely avoid any emails that I send you.

What the hell does 'Red, white and black' mean? You're not talking about the shirt Carl wore today are you? With all of the dreary colour splodges all over it? God, I think Sharmayne should lend a helping hand to Carl, I mean she lends a HAND to everyone else (If you know what I mean…)

AH, well if you're home Missy pick up! If not ill get you back in front of my family…

* * *

**To: Ginny**

**From: David **

**Re: Sorry,**

Hey babe,

Just emailed to say hello and how you're doing.

I'm so sorry about yesterday and how I had to leave you so early, but you know how my life is. A client needed to urgently meet me and well you heard how much I refused to go, but in the end, I had to. Her husband was murdered Gin, now the police think they have some evidence on the suspect, I had to go. I hope you understand.

Did you and Hermione happen to have a chat about the little endeavour of Lunch? Dracos been smirking an awful lot, I'm used to his scowl. And here I thought those two envied each other…

Listen about tonight, I can't come over. Something's I can't explain have come up and need tending too. Maybe tomorrow?

Love,

David

* * *

**To: David** **From: Ginny**

**Re: Hey**

I missed your daily greeting; I was wondering when I'd get your next one. I guess you are busy right?

You don't usually leave a girl at dinner at 7:00, by herself, but if you had to _really_ go….

I have no idea what the hell went on at lunch; I don't even know where they went! Can you believe she didn't tell me the restaurant! How can I lead and advise her! Maybe Draco told Josh something. No offence Dave, but I doubt Draco would tell you anything despite the fact you've known each other for almost ten years.

So, tell me what's more important than spending your evening with yours truly? Nah I'm kidding, I know you have things to do…and if they weren't so vital, you'd leave it and spend your time with me…

Can't do tomorrow, Hermione and I have um, something planned.

Love ya,

Gin

* * *

**To: Gin**

**From: David**

**Re: Ok **

All right babe, what's wrong? You're upset aren't you? Dam it Gin, you know there's nothing I'd rather do than spend me time with you. You're my world, Ginny.

I'm sorry that I can't be with you 24/7, but I can't help having things on ok? I'd love you to keep me company, but you know everything's confidential and I wouldn't want you to get involved.

I would do anything for you Gin, you know that. So go and have some fun with Hermione on Saturday. Go shopping, have your typical girlie-girl gossip sessions. Ill be thinking of ya: X

Love David

* * *

**To: Hermione**

**From: Ginny**

**Re: OH MY GOD**

Hermione, I know at the moment you're too self absorbed with yourself now, and won't tell me anything (it's becoming quite an unattractive habit nowadays) but I have a problem:

I THINK DAVIDS CHEATING ON ME!

It would explain the lack of communication lately, the abortion of dates, and no return of calls! And to top it off, the other night at Aneen's party, I wasn't there because I was supposed to be on a date with David. But he left an hour after he got there! During that whole bloody time, it was so…so…dead…

Damn you Hermione! You'd better be wrong about him…

Call me! I need some TLC! Some mental support! Some advice! Oh god, listen to me! You weren't like this when you broke up with Ron or Michael…you humiliated them…oh god, I'm babbling!

Ginny

* * *

REMASTERED

**SouredSweetie**


	10. Terminating the Fiction

**

* * *

**

**Chapter TEN: Terminating the Fiction**

**7/7 – 14/7**

* * *

_Daily Prophet, Issue: 2989768684 Saturday 7th July 2006_

**Tot-ally Stupefying and we're not Kid-ding**

_**Two of the wizarding worlds leading lookers capture the moment, and it was all a snap.**_

_By Vincent Kintworth _

_Who would have thought that with just a little baby talk and a pretty face, Hermione Granger- smartest witch of the last century- and Draco Malfoy –Witch Witches handsomest wizard of all time and billionaire bachelor- would be able to 'save the day' from escaped mental patient, Gonnald Stumpy, from St Mungos._

_Stumpy, missing for four days was found in a failed attempt to hold hostage his estranged wife Carmen Travell, fiancée of multi-millionaire Paicus Dimitri, for a substantial ransom._

_The scene, unprofessionally staged outside Flourish and Blotts was crowded around with amused bystanders until the scene developed perilous as one member of the public was hit with a Cruciatus curse._

_"We all thought it was a fools attempt to receive some attention, but when that curse hit someone, we realised how serious it was," an onlooker comments._

_Unknown to Hermione Granger and Draco Malfoy, of the terrors that were taking place, walked outside of Gringotts bickering to only see the ever-growing crowd surrounding Stumpy._

_"It seemed as if Draco wanted nothing to do with it and was arguing with Ms Granger to leave it alone._

_I vaguely remember him saying, "Don't be so nosy" to which she replied, " I'm a journalist, that's my job sunshine." Anyway, it caused the attacker to avert his attention towards them, and that's when things got interesting."_

_With Stumpy already frustrated, seeing Granger and Malfoy ignoring him, made his temper rise above boiling point. However when another curse was sent their way- fortunately it missed- he finally got their attention and a little extra._

_"Excusey-woosey me! I am trying to have a teeny weeny argument with Mr Malfoy here, and you try to hit us with a naughty curse!" – by this point in time Ms Granger was walking toward Stumpy with a finger flexed to his chest, and Malfoy rolling his eyes smirking, following right behind her- "Uh ah, that's not very nice, how would you like to be hit with a curse, I didna think you wouldy you silly boy…"_

_The conversation, not made up copied straight was copied from my vocal pad, went on for about five minutes before Ms Granger suddenly stopped out of her trance, as did Stumpy. But before he could hit her with a targeted Cruciatus curse, Draco Malfoy hit him with his own Expelliarmus and Stupefy charms sending Stumpy to the floor._

_"What I don't get is why no-one stunned him before! Its not that bloody hard, and it would've saved that victim some pain, had someone done it. But instead, we had to wait for a witch who was under a Toddler prank, to come and have a friendly chat to the nut bag before I had to hit him with my own spell ahead of something more serious happening," Draco Malfoy complains. "I've been living in the Muggle world for the past eight years, and I tell you now they don't need wands to defend themselves, and yet we can't manage when we have them. Are we growing into a community of cowards?"_

_This does raise the issue on the safety conditions in the Wizard world. Professor Gerald Adams from the Wizard Institute of Behavioural Conditions blames it on the past wars endured during he-who-must-not-be-named brief rise._

_"We have just gotten over a war, and though it has been just under a decade since, it still scars those who witnessed all the horror and murders from it._

_No witch or wizard knows whom to trust yet. And when they start to, wizards such as Stumpy, prove that there is much more needed to be done before we can ever walk safely down our streets again."_

_So is it a matter of trust, or is it plain and simply cowardice? Owl us your opinion and what you think should be done about it._

* * *

**To: Herm Granger **

**From: Gin Weasley **

**Re: Stop!**

Stop…Rewind…Fast forward…and HALT!

**Nothing interesting**

My interpretation of this comment made by you: Hermione Granger on the 6 July, was that you spoke about your court case and all that sort of boring stuff, with the occasional taunt in between.

I did not for once think that you and Malfoy would be apart of a hostage scenario and…ha!

**What's, black white and red all over?**

I thought of two things: Carl's hideous shirt -honestly, how could his wife let him out in public like that? And a triple deck Cadbury chocolate.

And yet I was again mistaken. For you see you Hermione dear, almost got yourself Avada-ed, because of a stupid prank the twins pulled off days ago.

As serious as this should be, I can't help in laughing, haha! It could only happen to you.

Awe you know I luv ya :P

Ginny.

See you at mums; I'm sure they've got a lot of childish things to say to you.

…………………………………………………………………………………………

**To: Gin Weasley **

**From: Herm Granger **

**Re: Halt**

………………………………………………………………………………………

Oh shut up. I can't believe they put THAT side of the story up and not they part of the mental patient- oh wait a minute, they got the right one…me!

It was so embarrassing! I could hear myself saying it, yet I couldn't stop it. Malfoy didn't know whether to laugh hysterically or push me out of the way.

To be honest, nothing actually happened yesterday. I met up with Malfoy at his office, then we went to Diagon Alley, and he had to stop off at Gringotts, so we got a little side-tracked and I never got my affidavit. And then when we walked out…well YOU know the rest…

Which reminds me, on Tuesday I need you to come with me, there's a group deposition so we'll all be there like one big happy family. The joys!

Oh god Gin, I can't go over to your mums- I'd be too embarrassed. Can you severely injure your brothers for me? Oh I know how- introduce them to Sharmayne, haha! They won't know what hit them…

Hermione

Childish? Is that the best you could do?

…………………………………………………………………………………………

**To: Herm Granger **

**From: Gin Weasley **

**Re: rewind**

………………………………………………………………………………………

Quick flick to the gossip page, check out Pansy's story. I can't believe they got that pig to write in the celeb column for today! I mean, wasn't she voted the lowest witch of all time because of her song release and failed movie attempts. Ha, have you heard her last track: Abra, Kadabra, Alakazam- I am the Witch man.

Tell me this: How can a witch be a man? Aren't they wizards?

Hah,

Gin

What do you mean you aren't coming! I can't be there all by myself listening to Ron's lame jokes and mum's pestering about when I'm going to get married…

…………………………………………………………………………………………

**To: Herm Granger **

**From: Harry Potter**

**Re: Are you okay?**

………………………………………………………………………………………

Let me guess, this **was** part of George and Fred's prank they pulled. Molly's going to have a nice chat to them, if she finds out it was them who pulled it- oh and she will I guarantee it.

Now I know I've been away for a bit, but why were you with Malfoy yesterday? Would you mind filling up the gaps, before I start assuming the inevitable.

I'm taking an extra break before I head back to Scotland, so ill see you today, I assume you're going.

Harry

…………………………………………………………………………………………

_(Ring)_

_(Ring)_

"_Hello"_

"_I AM GOING TO GO MAD"_

"_Hello to you to. I see you're okay…"_

"_Not funny Ginny, ouch"_

"_What's wrong?"_

"_Oh I bloody hurt my hand when I was reading the paper."_

"_Honestly Hermione, it's just a paper cut, you couldn't be in that much pain"_

"_No Ginny but thanks for the sympathy. I was at the table reading it, when I literally fell off the chair, when I saw Pansy's brief yet straight-to-the-point article"_

"_Yes, I was shocked too. I couldn't believe she could use 'circumstances' 'marriage' 'inevitable' in one paragraph, they're big words even for her. Thank god it's only for one day"_

"_What the hell possessed her to make up a whole heap of rubbish, about Malfoy and I being a pair? I haven't even seen her in years for her to even get revenge on me"_

" _Oh its all about you isn't it Herms, oh I'm kidding. Haha, Kidd-ing..."_

"_Oh so what now you're a comedian eh?"_

" _Oh hush. Ever think that she might want to get back at her ex, him being Malfoy or perhaps, she made it up for her own blunt amusement"_

"_Oh I don't know, pooh…"_

"_Pooh?"_

"_It was the prank the Twins pulled on me. It's going away, but very very slowly. Look I have to go ok. Ill see you later today"_

"_Ah so you are coming, I knew you would. Ok ill let you go, see you"_

"_Ciao"_

…………………………………………………………………………………………

**To: Draco Malfoy **

**Fr: Josh Grey **

**Re: da da dadum, da da dadum…**

………………………………………………………………………………………

…(Failed attempt to convert wedding tune into words)

I was casually flicking through the Daily Prophet, when I innocently stumbled upon quite a catching heading, that had a somewhat impact on myself…

Ah I'll cut the crap: When you said you were going to lunch with Hermione to run through the guidelines on your impending case, I seriously didn't think you'd be married at the end of it. Honestly I thought you were smarter than that to ever get hitched…

Uh oh, Marz just read it…oh dear god…

Ouch….

…………………………………………………………………………………………

**To: Draco Malfoy **

**Fr: Marz Grey **

**Re: MARRIED**

………………………………………………………………………………………

I've just given birth, I'm not ready for more unexpected surprises…well ok, I knew that she would pop put, but come on 6kgs!

I don't usually believe what the newspaper states, but considering how well I know you, I'm willing to believe this. You should've told me first!

(Dear God, is Josh this much of a Loser? I just shoved him off the chair and he's already complaining…and they say women are nags)

Ah, well thought I could scold you…

Would you shut up Joshua…ouch don't pinch me…look what you've made me write

Luv Marz

P.S. Ashley wants to know if the pretty lady at the hospital she met is going to be her aunty, don't ask…Josh put it into her head…

…………………………………………………………………………………………

**To: Josh Grey **

**From: Draco Malfoy **

**Re: WHAT!**

………………………………………………………………………………………

Since I know you're both fighting over the computer for my reply, I'll answer both your stupid questions…

What the hell do you mean married? What bloody newspaper did you read?

One: I am not married to Granger and two: yes Marz, he is a woos! If you ever watch Terminator 2 with him, at the end when Arnie is about to burn up, Josh gets all sentimental and whines about how hard it must be knowing you are going to die…

It's a painful spectacle to watch…so unless you're in a cheerful mood, I refrain you to watch it. It has scarred me, as it will you…(shudder) :D

Draco

…………………………………………………………………………………………

**To: Draco Malfoy **

**Fr: Josh Grey **

**Re: Newsflash**

………………………………………………………………………………………

You really don't know do you…it's in the Daily Prophet, gossip page.

Oh and I read the other one with the escaped mental patient. Nice comment you made there on how the wizard community are cowards, you're sure to make more than enough fans.

Josh

P.S. thanks for telling Marz about the whole Terminator thing. Now she's gone to rent the movie, I hate you.

………………………………………………………………………………………

**To: Josh Grey **

**From: Draco Malfoy **

**Re: Hmm**

………………………………………………………………………………………

Well I don't know what to be more scared of. The fact that you read the gossip page and cry over a robot-death scene, or the fact that I'm soon-to-be-wed to my client-nemesis Hermione Granger…

Oh God…my AUNTY………!

………………………………………………………………………………………

**To: Draco Malfoy**

**Fr:Herm Granger **

**Re: I don't know…**

………………………………………………………………………………………

What went on between you and Pansy, but the fact that this stupid FALSE rumour is now spreading its disease around the Wizard-world is quite aggravating. Soon everyone will catch the symptoms and I'll be forever shamed with the illness that I am your supposed BETTER half- though I'd agree on the better half…

Do something Malfoy! You know of Pansy's infamous status, but everyone believes her gossip! Why pray-tell I have no idea, but ah….

Hermione

P.S. You'd have better have had nothing to do with this Malfoy…

…………………………………………………………………………………………

**To: Herm Granger **

**From: Draco Malfoy **

**Re: To my darling Mrs Malfoy**

………………………………………………………………………………………

Hello sweet-cheeks, nice analogy.

Look Granger, I have no idea what possessed that wench to do anything of the sort, but I tell you I had nothing to do with it.

I just found out the same way you did.

But it's not as if you have anything to worry about. You don't have an Aunt who thrives off gossip pages and believes every word she reads. Soon she'll be owling me and whinging about why I didn't tell her and why I'm engaged to a nutcase blabla…

Oh and mentioning to bring you to all the family functions, get to meet the rest of the Malfoy clan.

Who knows, maybe she'll even owl you too and hint on another Malfoy to grace the world.

Salutations Mrs Malfoy,

Your -ahem- loving husband

Draco

XOXOX

…………………………………………………………………………………………

_Dear Draco_

_I am not sure on how to take this sudden attitude you have plagued yourself with. First you get into a fight with a muggle, and now you're possibly engaged…if you're parents were both alive…_

_Whether this be true or not, I write to inform you that Saturdays little get together has now been re-scheduled as it is now a Charity Ball for all Wizards and Witches alike. _

_Although I do detest Charity Balls, I figure this is the only way to formally grace the Malfoy name onto the respected Wizard-scene with you so willingly detach yourself from._

_Note that I will not be accepting this behaviour in the future and if this occurs yet again, you will loose half your inheritance and it will forwardly go to your only cousin Xavier._

_Below are some guests of your age whom shall attend this function. Perhaps, if the news article were false, you should introduce yourself to some eligible ladies._

_Your Great Aunt_

_Vincent CrabbeGregory GoyleMarcus Flint_

_Ginevra WeasleyPercy WeasleyOliver WoodSusan Bones_

_Neville Long bottomCharlotte SheridanLavender BrownXavier Malfoy Hermione Granger_

_The Invitations will be going out on Thursday; they are only a few eligible mentioned, note that Ms Granger is attending._

…………………………………………………………………………………………

**To: Draco Malfoy **

**Fr: Herm Granger **

**Re: Oh…**

………………………………………………………………………………………

Go and jump off a bridge.

Hermione

…………………………………………………………………………………………

**To: Herm Granger **

**From: Draco Malfoy **

**Re: Granger…**

………………………………………………………………………………………

You have no idea how tempting that is at the moment

………………………………………………………………………………………

_Xavier,_

_I just want to clarify that gossip article from the Daily Prophet from yesterday, about -I presume he is your cousin though I'm not sure how- Draco Malfoy and Hermione Granger being an item._

_If this is indeed a fact, please contact me ASAP, and would you please inform me of your relation to Malfoy. It could direct the pending case, toward a different direction if so. If you would please respond before Tuesdays group deposition that would be greatly appreciated. _

_Jeremy._

…………………………………………………………………………………………

**JOURNAL OF HERMIONE GRANGER:**

**I can't believe you brought paper to this stupid seminar, good thinking…and I can't believe you name your journal…you're so anal -G**

_Would you not make it so obvious that you're writing and passing this to me? Our delightful host will snap at us…-H_

**Yeah yeah…you know you should write more in here… I can't believe we're here all because the D.O.C. got mad when we threw food on her Salvo suit. THIS IS SOOOO BORING…. I should just flick through….**

_DON'T THINK ABOUT IT! Look at that guy sitting next to that chick who's wearing a mini and a g-string… he wouldn't be too bad if he didn't have his eyes down her top…I wonder why he's at this silly "Work and Attitude Seminar" _

_Man I can't stand womanisers…._

**Speaking of a former womaniser, I suppose you scolded Malfoy about the whole fiancée thing? How did he take it?**

_Well Draco thought it mildly amusing! You would not believe what happened yesterday when I was at Diagon Alley…_

**Ah so it's Draco now eh? First name basis. Oh come on you have too admit, you like him. You've been with him what twice and both those times, you've come back, blushing, smiling or ready to kill someone…**

_Shut up. _

**Yep, that's what I thought…**

_Oh well looks like its time to get into groups, we'd better be together…DAMN!_

Maybe you could put on a little charm, he's been staring at you the whole time… Yeah, probably because I've been ignoring him and writing to you in my journal… 

**Ooh, that cute guys in your group…this is war Granger, I'm going to beat your group in this Trivia thing.**

You're on Weasley… 

…………………………………………………………………………………………

_Jeremy_

_I have not this slightest idea of my cousin's affair, nor do I want to be part of them._

_I can however clarify that he is my cousin, from my father's side. His father Lucius Malfoy is my father's cousin and both Draco and I are of second kin. Although, I wish we weren't._

_I am unaware as to his status with Ms Granger, though he is her lawyer for this impending case. Ms Parkinson, my other half, did her part in filling up a piece in the prophet, and the information is confidential of how she obtained that information Any other information, you will need to personally ask Draco._

_I hope I have assisted you on what need is to be known._

_Xavier_

**…………………………………………………………………………………………**

**To: Gin Weasley**

**From: Herm Granger**

**Re: Monday's Seminar**

* * *

I told you you wouldn't win. No one can defeat me when it comes to general knowledge. 

What in the world is Vanessa wearing? She looks like something out of the Rocky Horror Show…

Ha, look at Sharmayne's face…looks like Gothic is out of this season…

Not that there's anything wrong with being a Goth though.

Herm

P.S. What's wrong Gin? I mean you're not usually that depressed whenever you get two-dozen roses

I need you happy and well YOU, for today's meeting!

……………………………………………………………………………………

**To: Herm Granger **

**From: Gin Weasley**

**Re: ROSES**

………………………………………………………………………………………

I just got these from David, says he's got to cancel for tonight. He's got some 'shindig to attend.'

Please who uses 'shindig' these days, honestly. What I want to know is why he's not taking me with him! I'm his girlfriend for goodness sake!

I'm down in the dumps Herm; want to go out for lunch, so I can fill myself up with food, to drown away my sorrows…

Gin

P.S. Vanessa is going out tonight. But whomever she's taking, is going to get the fright of their life when they see her. Ted says she looks a cross between Mortisha and Cousin It from the Adams family. I laughed, but I don't know who they are.

P.S. I would've beaten you in a food contest. WHY is society degrading food challenges? I would mind scoffing down several pies and cakes, but no they think general knowledge is more benefiting in today's world. Puh-lease, it's better to have an appetite than a brain.

…………………………………………………………………………………………

**Group Depositions**

In case of

_Jeremy Jonks_

Vs

_Hermione Granger_

Held at the offices of Malfoy Grey and Felnof

100 Georgeston Avenue, Suite 12

London, England

**Appearances:**

_Draco Malfoy (DM)_

_Hermione Granger (HG)_

_Jeremy Jonks (JJ)_

_Xavier Malfoy (XM) _

_Ginevra Weasley (GW)_

_Recorded by Joshua Grey (JG) for afterward assessment with stenographer's transcript._

_Emily Duleres, Short Hand reporter and confidential secretary from MGF law firm._

**DM: Thankyou for coming here today to comment on the event, which instituted this meeting, Ms Weasley. As Ms Granger's attorney I…**

**XM: Objection**

**DM: You can't object Xavier, we spoke about this confidentially- Jonks, could've brought a witness. Besides, this is a pre-trial conference, not the courtroom.**

**XM: I just don't think it necessary that Ms Weasley should be here, since she is a friend of Ms Grangers. It would trigger a bias opinion…Draco.**

**GW: Before you start criticising me Malfoy…I mean Xavier Malfoy, not you Draco, so don't look at me like that…I would like to defend myself, by saying that you have no reason to prejudice against me as I have not yet, previous to this uttered a word. However what I would like to point out it that Ms Granger acted rationally as Jonks is a sexist, manipulating ferret…**

**HG: God Ginny, did you have to bring ferret up? Honestly…**

**GW: Whoops, sorry Malfoy…Draco…bugger, I'm surrounded by Malfoys…**

**JJ: Pardon me for interrupting, but don't we have a show to run?**

**DM: I need not be told my job, Mr Jonks. As I have heard, there have been several previous meetings with both you Ms Granger and Mr Jonks, would you care to explain what happened at all intervals? Perhaps, you should start first Ms Granger**

**HG: Well, I had been previously acquainted with Jonks only once before I smacked him in the nose…Um, I mean physically disfigured his face…. oh god, that's not what I meant at all…**

**XM: You do not have to laugh Malfoy and Grey**

**DM: That's all right Hermione; you're just nervous, continue.**

**HG: well the first time was when a few of us from work-including Ginny- went out on a girl's night for not particular reason, but to enjoy our Friday night. Then Gin left, and Jeremy Jonks came straight up to our party, which consisted of his Ex-girlfriend, Aneen Gnish-she's really nice, though I can't imagine what she saw in Jonks-**

**JJ: I am right here Granger**

**HG: Yes, how's your nose by the way?**

**XM: Control your client Mr Malfoy**

**DM: I could say the same for you. Hermione?**

**HG: Well as I was saying, he came up and started yelling at her. Things like, " How dare you go out, without telling me" and "You good for nothing wench" and just other inappropriate absurdities. Now me being a bit of a feminist had a few words to say and that's all that happened and he left. Aneen's too innocent and nice to bite back at him.**

**DM: so you thought being a caring friend you would do it for her?**

**XM: I hardly call it sticking up for someone. Hermione, clearly has a habit of getting herself in violent situations**

**GW: Are you implying she's got some anger management problem? Puh-leas look at your client before you criticise Hermione. He pushes women around, what a pig!**

**XM: Thankyou for you unnecessary input in the conversation Ms Weasley, however please refrain from doing so until you are asked. Now Mr Jonks, seeing as we have Ms Granger's side of the story, explain yours.**

**JJ: We'll ill admit that Aneen and I did have an uneasy parting, but I still loved her. A month before we broke up, because she wanted to concentrate on a career and I wanted more to the relationship, more that she was willing to give. So when she left me, I became depressed and I sought to find her, though I didn't.**

**HG: Oh please, she said you always know where she is. If I could say it and I know how you did it, I would…**

**XM: Oh really Ms Granger, pray-tell how you know.**

**HG: Well…**

**DM: Ah, I believe we have encountered a touchy subject of which my client and I have yet to discuss**

**XM: What complete fabrication! Don't try to cover up her ass Malfoy, attorney or not. How far do you and Ms Granger go?**

**HG: Excuse me? This should not be getting personal…**

**DM: What's it too you Xavier? Why should you care if we are an item or not? Did that rumour Pug-head Pansy wrote in the Daily…newspaper strike a chord?**

**XM: I'll have you know that "Pug-head" happens to be my other half!**

**DM: what the part that makes you one-hundredth decent?**

**XM: No, she happens to be my partner…**

**HG: GINNY! Shut up…**

**GW: HAHA, oh I'm sorry, haha…I just can't help but thinking…haha! Hey Xavier, did you help her write her new Trash-hit Abra Kadabra Alakazam, I am the witch man**

**JG: You've heard of that song? I can't stand it!**

**GW: Me neither! For one, the title is way too long as is the song…**

**JG: Ha! Too true, I purposely turn it up loud to annoy my mother-in-law, and I straight away out comes the silencing spe…plugs into my ears**

**ED: Why haven't I heard of this song?**

**JJ: Okay were getting slightly off track here…**

**DM: Oh shut it Jonks, they whole session was over five-minutes ago. Emily could you please re-schedule**

**XM: Excuse me. We have yet to finish, are you and Granger an item?**

**HG: Oh my god!**

**JJ: Wait a minute, I remember you…Draco Malfoy…you're the one that took me to the hospital after you broke my arm…and YOU'RE the son of Lucius Malfoy…**

**HG: YOU broke his arm? **

**DM: Well he hit me first; I was just standing up for myself…**

**XM: Well this is getting interesting…**

**JJ: Yes that's right. On the same night Ms Granger broke my nose…**

**GW: Poor bugger**

**JG: oh I doubt that Ms Weasley, he was asking for it…**

**JJ: I'm surprised you remembered you were totally pissed.**

**JG: In my defence, I was having a hard time with my Mother-in-law…**

**JJ: Oh please, you let a woman get to you…**

**HG: Excuse me…I've had it with your sexist remarks! Stupefy…**

**JJ: So you are a witch…**

**DM: Well at least Emily the only Muggle in here, can't hear us…**

**HG: What's it to you whether I am a witch or not? Though I am surprised you haven't heard of me yet…you obviously don't read magazines nor had any contact with the Wizarding World 15 years back…**

**XM: Well it looks like this room is filling up with too much hot air…first its Malfoy now Granger…**

**DM: Oh shut it Malfoy…**

**XM: Speak for yourself…**

**DM: I am, and everyone else in it…**

**JJ: Well no Ms Granger, I haven't had any access to the world, being cooped up in Azkaban for ten years. Would you mind filling me in?**

**GW: Damn, now I really wish I had listened to my father… **

**DM: You're defending a man who went to Azkaban Xavier? You know yourself his History and yet you are still his Lawyer?**

**XM: Had you done your research Draco, you'd have known all of this. But instead you were infatuated with Ms Granger, oh don't give me that look we can see it on both your faces. I'm a Lawyer Draco, not a saint…**

**JG: oh no, us Lawyers are anything BUT saints…**

**DM: Shut up Josh…wait a minute, Jeremiah Jonkson…that's not you…it cant be you…**

**HG: Sounds familiar…**

**JJ: Ah, about time you hopped onto the bandwagon…the very same!**

_(Door Opens, two people walk in)_

**DM: Felnof! What the hell are you doing here?**

**GW: Vanessa! Oh my god! **

**JG: who invited the Freak party? Are you two going as Mortisha and Frankenstein? Because I can see a huge resemblance…**

**GW: I cant believe you, I mean I knew we were going through a rough patch, but it never occurred to me that you'd actually stoop so low as to cheat on me…you PIG!**

**DF: Ouch Ginny, I'm sorry, I can explain…**

**JJ: I wouldn't mind somebody explaining all of this too me…**

**XM: My client and I are leaving…**

_Jonkson and Xavier leave)_

**VM: Well this is awfully weird**

**HG: All work status aside, I don't think you should be talking Vanessa**

**GW: It was too good to be true! I should've listened to you Hermione…always-right Hermione…**

**HG: Gin, I gave you warning as a friend, I didn't tell you what would happen, geez…**

**DM: So much for being 'the one' eh, Felnof. I guess I could add Ginevra to your list.**

**GW: oh shut up Malfoy**

**DM: Look Weasley, I told him to cut it out and not to hurt another person. But I didn't think it would be you…**

**JG: If I may. I have no idea what is going on. There are two freaks standing in here, who just had their tongues down each others throat, and are now at each other's throats. Obviously you three shouldn't be fighting, it should be Vanessa, Gin and Felnof. So, before you two, Hermione and Draco make things worse, let's see what the idiot David has to say**

**DF: Oh put a sock in it Grey. Look Ginny, things started off so well…a bit too well for my liking. We weren't in a committed relationship, but we had fun. I had to know if you were the right one, and the only way I knew how, was to…**

**GW: Go with another girl? Honestly, you are really pathetic you know that!**

**DF: Come on Ginny! If I had known this would've…**

**DM: David, I think you should shut up now. I know from experience…**

**HG: You always know the right things to say don't you Malfoy…**

**DM: I sure do sweet cheeks.**

**GW: I hate you David Felnof. **

_(Door Slams)_

**DF: Ginny wait…**

**VM: David…!**

_(Door shuts…)_

**HG: Oooh, I knew this would happen; I'm going to kill him…**

(Door slams)

**DM: I believe her…wait Granger**

_(Door slams)_

**JG: Well I suppose if I don't go, I'm going to look like an idiot, talking to myself with an unconscious girl and a running tape player…**

_Door shuts)_

_(Door Open)_

**JG: Oh god the tape player…**

_(Door Opens)_

**DM: Shit this was all recorded**

**HG: Now what are we going to do…**

**DM: Well there are two possibilities: One- We could destroy it and Two- We could stop talking**

**JG: and three, we could take it home with us, and when things seem tragic, we listen to it and laugh.**

**HG: Is he always so…**

**DM: yes, I can't find a word to describe it either…oh look Emily is rousing…**

………………………………………………………………………………………

**To: Gin Weasley**

**From: David Felnof**

**Re: DON'T DELETE**

………………………………………………………………………………………

Ginny babe, I am so sorry. Words cannot express the shame and guilt I feel for hurting you, so please don't ignore me. Talk to me so I can apologize, I don't want us to end on a bad note.

Love David

………………………………………………………………………………………

_**(TONE)**_

"_**Hey you've reached Ginny's phone. I'm obviously not home or occupied at the moment. Please leave your name, number and a cooking recipe and if it's nice, I'll get back to you."**_

**_(BEEP)_**

Hey Ginny. I'm just calling because I want to know how you're doing. No I'm not anal enough to not know, it's just that well…I'm worried about you. I thought of leaving you alone Monday night, so you could sort things through but since you didn't come to work yesterday, I'm letting the bag out of the hat.

Call, email, MSG me…anything Gin, just contact me ASAP!

I know you don't really want to hear it but David sent you six-dozen red and white roses. I didn't know whether you wanted me to throw them away or keep them. So I guess you can deal with it when you get back! We miss you GIN!

_(**TONE)**_

"**_Hey you've reached Ginny's phone. I'm obviously not home or occupied at the moment. Please leave your name, number and a cooking recipe and if it's nice, ill get back to you."_**

**_(BEEP)_**

Ginny! I've trine emailing and everything but I can't get a hold of you! I need to know that you're all right; I'm really sorry. Did you get my roses at least? Call me Gin!

………………………………………………………………………………………

**To: Draco Malfoy**

**From: Herm Granger**

**Re: Monday**

………………………………………………………………………………………

I just wanted to apologise about what happened on Monday. It really didn't go the way we expected, obviously.

I can't believe you didn't know about Jonks! Or should I say Jonkson, I knew Jeremy Jonks is too much of a circus name, I reckon he would do the acrobatics.

So anyway, I just wanted to see how Emily is and what's happening with the rescheduling.

Thanks,

Hermione

…………………………………………………………………………………………

**To: Herm Granger**

**From: Draco M**

**Re: Ok…**

………………………………………………………………………………………

Who are you and what have you done with Granger? You seem a little too nice, so what's the deal.

No wait never mind, I know what you want to know.

How do I feel about Pansy being a possible future in-law?

As entertaining it would be, had it not affect me, it is not, surprisingly. I know she doesn't want him; she just seeks revenge after I had dumped her when I got into the muggle world.

How is David?

Personally I don't care, he's an idiot and I'm stupid for believing him for an instant. I've offered to gauge out his eyes, because he was so blind to see what he had in front of him, but that was already done and he politely refused.

As for the re-scheduling, I'll keep you posted. I have to get in contact with my twit head of a cousin, to sort this all out. You handled yourself well in there Granger; I'm shocked I even said it.

As much as I would love to chat, and I would –there's nothing id rather do than to have a business meeting with Felnof, I have to go

Draco

…………………………………………………………………………………………

**FROM THE DESK OF HERMIONE GRANGER**

_Well this bloody sucks. It's a dreary Thursday morning here in London and it resembles the mood everyone is in._

_Ginny is here and she hasn't even eaten her fettuccini! THIS IS SERIOULSY SERIOUS! She never refuses fettuccini_

_Vanessa is in a shitty mood because she had a fling with Ginny's ex, which is now over between them, she made that clear:_

_"Oh why can't I find a decent man in England?"_

_Um wake up sunshine; you think dressing like Mortisha will snag you a man?_

_Sharmayne can't even look at her without cringing:_

_"Darling, I just don't know what's going on around this place, but I tell you what if everyone is going to start looking like the Adam's family, we've got a show to sell, sweetie."_

_Uhg! That does it: When in a twist, write a 'to do' list._

_Dry cleaner_

_Do some research on Jeremiah Jonkson_

_Get Married_

_Have kids_

_Find cure for cancer_

_Pay back David Felnof_

_Finish off the article that Carl is pestering me about_

_Start writing in my journal so that if I suddenly perish, whoever reads it will know of the life I have led and that Jeremiah Jonks is an idiot._

…………………………………………………………………………………………

**To: Sharm Vonaė; Carl Bronston; Michael Breenay; Ted Simpton**

**Fr: Hermione granger **

**Re: Ginny**

**………………………………………………………………………………………**

Okay we've all seen it and we all know why. Now, let's help Ginny through it. I can't stand seeing her like this, she says she's fine, but damn it, we need to show our support! Any ideas!

I know what's you're going to say Sharmayne, and no! NO strippers! Although I don't think Ted would object: P

Ginny's leaving work early today, so once she's gone, FLOCK to the cooler!

Herm

**…………………………………………………………………………………………**

**To: Aneen**

**From: Hermione**

**Re: Hey**

**………………………………………………………………………………………**

Hey stranger,

How have you been doing? Sorry I haven't contacted you in a while, I guess things have just been so busy here and with the court case, I just haven't had the time to do much.

I know you're probably still angry about Jonks and you blame yourself, but in all honesty, it's all going to be okay. Although my lawyer and I don't always get along, I have the feeling he has the equipment to win.

So enough about me, how's work at Good Morning London? I haven't the chance to get a copy yet, but can you imagine Carl's face if he sees me with our biggest rivals paper in his office? I'm so tempted just to see the reaction on his face; but of course more importantly to read what you've written.

So I hope you're well, and if you're not busy one day, maybe we should catch up. I know it's only been a week or so, but it'll be good to see you.

Tata,

Hermione.

…………………………………………………………………………………………

**To: Sharm Vonaė sharmayne. Carl Bronston carl. Michael Breenay michael. Ted Simpton ted. Hermione granger **

**Re: Ginny**

**………………………………………………………………………………………**

This is why you don't let men decide…

Carl you cannot let her just 'get over it' unlike you, we have feelings!

Ted, the male stripper idea is out of the question, I'm not even going to argue with you on it.

Michael just be glad I involved you in this at all. Though she may love food, we are not going to go to an all you can eat' buffet. Though if it were any other circumstance, it wouldn't be a bad idea.

Sharmayne actually that's the best idea I've heard, its plain and simple.

Saturday at seven

Hermione

P.S. Ted I can see you and I know you know I am. So stop pulling that face: NO STRIPPERS!

**…………………………………………………………………………………………**

To: Ms Hermione Granger

Time: 7:00pm

_You are formally invited to attend a Charity Ball on Saturday 14th July, at the Malfoy Mansion in Scotland._

_The dress is to be formal as it is a Gala event and all entry monies and special donations will be given to the Children's Ward at St Mungos._

_Your attendance would be greatly appreciated and participation even more so._

_There is a special secret event that will occur for all eligible Witches and Wizards, so if you aren't in a relationship your contribution will be greatly valued._

_If you are willing to attend, do respond so promptly and a Portkey will be issued before the arrival time._

_Yours sincerely,_

_Dolores Malfoy_

**………………………………………………………………………………………**

**To: Draco**

**From: Josh**

**Re: Spill it…**

**………………………………………………………………………………………**

So you've been in the slumps the past week, why? What's been nagging at your head? Come on, let Unci Josh soothe your pain!

Oh god that sounds desperate.

Josh

**…………………………………………………………………………………………**

**To: Josh**

**From: Draco**

**Re: Unci Josh…**

**………………………………………………………………………………………**

Oh god. Don't give me the visuals. You frighten your kids enough, let alone someone else's.

So what's wrong you say? The tri-divorcé is having a formal Charity Ball tomorrow. In one instance its good, because I don't have to converse with my Aunt and cousin all evening, but on the other hand, the witch is trying to set me up with the adequate.

Oh yeah, she heard about the whole gossip thing, this is just a bloody test to see if it's true or not.

I have no idea, what she's planning but I don't like that taste of it: bitter, sour and downright freggin …wrong.

I have to go and wash my mouth out now. Never going to buy form El Nazi Aunty again.

Draco

P.S. What did you do with the tape?

**…………………………………………………………………………………………**

**I8THETELETUBBIES: 'alo. I figure this is a quicker way to chat. **

TheDraconis: Ah let me guess, David's in the room and you're pretending to write a report?

**I8THETELETUBBIES: Bingo! **

TheDraconis: So what did you do with the tape?

**I8THETELETUBBIES: Ah I gave it to Ashley, instead of the Teletubbies album. She thinks its funny, because it mentions "that stupid Abra, Kadabra noise"**

TheDraconis: Hmm, I figure it would be quite an educational recording. She'll learn to curse in no time.

**I8THETELETUBBIES: Sounds promising. So anyway, why aren't I invited to this ball?**

TheDraconis: I don't know. Maybe you are. But I'm telling you it's going to be boring. All the singles and the old farts at the ministry plus special guests. I guess you don't fit into any of those…

**I8THETELETUBBIES: I would rather think I was a special guest. Ah it's not like I could go anyway.**

TheDraconis: Considering the groan I heard coming from your office, I guess David has realized your tiny secret.

**I8THETELETUBBIES: oh shut up. Now I HAVE to listen to his drawl. Tell me WHY did we make him a partner?**

TheDraconis: I believe you were inebriated

**I8THETELETUBBIES: Sounds right. Ciao**

TheDraconis: Logged off

**I8THETELETUBBIES: Logged off**

**………………………………………………………………………………………**

**To: Hermione**

**From: Ginevra**

**Re: Charity Ball**

**………………………………………………………………………………………**

I know what you and the gang were trying to do for Saturday. That's one of the glitches in your scheme: Sharmayne was in it.

Thanks for considering cheering me up, but I'm honestly over it. There's no point in crying over something that really wasn't there in the first place.

So I assume you're invited to this ball? It has a single-auction written all over it! Hehe! Maybe I could bid for a handsome Quidditch player, mmm Zackery Georges sounds yummy, but not as creamy as my fettuccini- I missed that!

Uh oh, its tomorrow and we have nothing to wear! Let's go and ask Sharmayne!

Love Ginny,

I'm back!

**…………………………………………………………………………………………**

**To: Ginny**

**From: Hermione**

**Re: Are…**

**………………………………………………………………………………………**

…you sure you're ok…let me check….

Yep your ok, I can see you scoffing down a lasagne and rissole.

But you know if you need a chat I'm just a cubicle away!

Good idea, i'll go and ask her…

Herms

**…………………………………………………………………………………………**

**To: Hermione; Ginny**

**From: Sharmayne**

**Re: Darlings!**

**………………………………………………………………………………………**

Oh you are precious aren't you! If you didn't have mince and cheese all over your face id go up and kiss you!

Well not really treasure, I haven't hopped on and boarded that ship in a while…not that I ever did of course, sweeties.

Well let's see what I have got here.

Hermione treasure, you've got a lovely hourglass figure, with the broad shoulders, pale olive skin and a dark complexion. I figure you should wear a rich red dress that comes low at the back, tight around the middle and flares at your hips.

Oh yes I can see it now, a much better vision that what my mother wears. She looks like a drunken whale, with a cat on her head. Thank god she's in rehab- but trust my darlings, once she's out, straight into a Home she goes.

Ginny sugar, you eat like a starving polar bear yet you have such a petite physique! I say with your cream skin and dark eyes, a nice lime green that comes low at the front and back and finished above the knee – don't worry, it's not too 'slutty' as you too both call it. I wear it all the time darlings, and I think it's just gorgeous!

So if there are no hassles, lets go straight after wok, I know just the place to go. Just don't say Ferris word to Ted, treasures. He might want to go seeing as the designer is well…homosexual.

**…………………………………………………………………………………………**

**To: Ginevra Weasley**

**From: Hermione**

**Re: I CAN'T WEAR THIS**

**………………………………………………………………………………………**

What if my bum falls out of it! How am I supposed to wear knickers with it? It stops an inch above my gluts!

Well I will admit it is nice, but I can wear it, and the balls tonight! Maybe I could go and get something else….

You look great, I thought at first there was nothing to it, just a cloth joined at the shoulders, but it really accentuates your slim figure.

Herm

**…………………………………………………………………………………………**

_(Ring)_

_(Ring)_

"_Hello"_

"_Oh shut up Hermione, you know you look good in it"_

"_Are you insane Ginny?"_

"_Probably. But even Ted likes it…"_

"_Ted wasn't concentrating. If you didn't notice he was busily studying Giorgio Ferris. He was saying 'yes' to everything. You could've asked him: Aren't you gay? And he'd say: yes, I'm not"_

"_That doesn't make sense. Good for him though, he snagged a man. Don't you do anything to that dress missy it really suits you. And you know how hard a critic I am"_

"_Well not when its comes to food. You'd put anything in your mouth. Oh well I guess I can live with it. You still going to come over so we can get ready together?"_

"_Yep! Can wait, ill be over in an hour!"_

"_Ok Gin, see ya"_

**…………………………………………………………………………………………**

**JOURNAL OF HERMIONE GRANGER:**

**14/7**

_Oh my dear good Merlin! Why is it that whenever I'm in a metre radius of Draco Malfoy, I make an utter idiot of myself? If I'm not falling on my ass or confronting myself with escaped mental patient, I'm tripping over myself and writing blasphemy in my journal entry!_

_Ginny came over at around about four, which left us with two hours to get ready for the Gala and in all honesty is not enough time for a perfectionist like myself to prepare. Alas, we did manage though it was more of a challenge than it ought to have been._

_My hair alone took an hour, and though it's not as bushy as it was during my first five years at Hogwarts (Merlin, could you image how long it would've taken then!) it still had its curls and puffiness, much to the dismay of me! Its times like these that I was glad to be a witch; a couple of spells and my face was covered in animal-infested face camouflage and my hair straight with curls at the tips._

_Ginny looked gorgeous in her couture, and even better when she was all flashed up- not that she isn't without it, but its times like these I wonder what David thought about cheating, that infernal species of dog litter…_

_When it came to the case of shoes- Merlin all mighty! I'm 168 cm (5'7-ish) and I really don't need more height, but the shoes Sharmayne picked out for me, made me look hulk-ish. Well, ok I'm slightly exaggerating, but I don't know WHAT in the world possessed me to let her talk me into it._

_Note to self: Pay Sharmayne back_

_When we got to the Malfoy estate, all the "who's who" of the Wizard world was there. Well not really, most of them were in courting relationships or were single, and there were a few duds among them (mostly being those married men from the ministry) especially: Crabbe and Goyle, man were they the high light of the evening –not. The lights dimmed whenever they came near …then there was Marcus Flint, who was busily shoving his tongue down some poor ladies throat behind a pillar…oh yes I saw them, it wasn't hard when they were standing on the side where everyone was… and Oliver Wood was there, but it turns out he's in a relationship with Quidditch, no surprise there…_

_And then there was Gin and I, who were yet to grace the ball with our presence. Gin went ahead after she saw Harry, and I followed…well started to until I tripped over my three-inch stilettos – you may think it not high, but considering my shoes are all flats, I beg you to reconsider. But before I could flatten the floor and my face, guess who graced their presence by being my rescuer: Xavier Malfoy…_

_No actually, it was the one and only Draco Malfoy. And I couldn't help but stare…bad, bad Hermione. Not so much as the thoughts swimming in my stupid traitor head!_

_Malfoy: You have quite a tendency to bump into me Granger_

_Me: I believe this time YOU made it inevitable._

_Malfoy: So I see you'd much rather have ripped your dress, showing more flesh…not that I wouldn't have minded after all…_

_Me: Shut up Malfoy…but thanks I guess…_

_Malfoy: Awe, that's all right Sweet Cheeks. Well listen, I think you'd better stop clinging to me, Potters getting suspicious, not too mention your making quite a spectacle…_

_The stupid git was right after all. After he personally denied all of the marriage-rumours circulating, that little scene just ignited them all over again. All I could do was mutter stupid git, and walk away all the while he was smirking._

_I was sitting on the table… well not ON it, oh bugger…_

_I was sitting AT the table with Harry, Gin, Lavender Brown, Oliver Wood; Draco's friends Josh and his wife Mary as well as the devil himself: Draco Malfoy, along with two other people- later named Vincent and Helen- who were terrified of our conversation and Ginny's eating capacity. We all got along- Draco and Harry, made peace at the end of seventh year, though still banter and argue._

_The night was actually quite fun, especially when the food came. Ginny had made a bet with me before we arrived, that she would only eat one main course. Of course she lost this bet, downing 3 main courses and 2 cheesecakes, and would've had more had the waiter not fainted when bringing her her last cake._

_Then the dancing came. I tried to stay away from Draco but when we were left at the table alone (I was pretending to read the schedule and eat) and Dracos Great-ly scary Aunt, graced us with her terrifying presence, we had no choice but to take to the floor._

_Draco: Geez, Granger what are you frigid? I don't bite you know…_

_Me: well no I don't know, but seeing as your reputation is all but not known, I beg to differ._

_Draco: Fair enough, but you're making it quite obvious that there is some tension that you want to release…_

_Me: Oh what kind of tension…_

_Draco: Just shut up and come closer…_

_So I did._

_I wish I didn't._

_I mean come on! He was my enemy at school and now he's my Lawyer and his body…_

_Have you ever read those prissy romance novels that describe two perfect bodies just fitting together, like a puzzle…WELL I wouldn't have believed it had I not danced with him. He is so tall! Even in my heels I just reached his chin, so you know I was looking at his lips and he was probably having a nice view of the top of my head…I hope I didn't have dandruff!_

_Ha! What a way to break a mushy scene!_

_Anyway when the dance ended, my legs were like jelly. Had he not left his arms around me until we got to the table, I would've repeated my fall, and fallen on my bum!_

_It didn't help that when I sat down, Gin and Mary- who I got well-acquainted with- were throwing suggestive look at me._

_I kicked them under them table._

_Harry: So Malfoy, what's this secret that all the singles are supposed to participate in?_

_Malfoy: Well Potter it's not much of a secret if you know about it…_

_Harry: True. So spill…_

_But before he could respond, some guy in a penguin suit (and the man lived up to that standard, waddling on stage) announced:_

_"Ladies and gentlemen, I hope you are all enjoying the evening" (SO CLICHÉ -H)_

_"I am sure you've all heard the worst-kept secret that tonight's Gala is based on. The committee and I are all hoping that all the single witches will all contribute to the Singles Auction, where all the eligible bachelors will bid for a date or occasion to accompany you on. Let me warn you that men can only take ONE woman, so choose wisely gentlemen"_

_By this time, I was literally shitting myself, to put it as informal as possible. Marz looed at us with an apologetic look, but I could tell she was trying not to laugh at my face._

_"All proceeds will go to charity, and those who do not participate, well…let's just say that you'll probably feel guilty for not doing so. So come up girls, and boys, we need all the money we can get so empty your pockets!"_

_What a great way to make us all feel bad. Go on Hermione, Ginny, Josh teased. I cursed him and threatened to hex him, and he just laughed. I had no choice._

_Me: Great, now I'm going to have to 'go out' with a complete and utter nutcase…Ha, I hope no one bids._

_Draco: You're the only nut case here Granger. Do I have to remind you about…_

_Harry: Trust me Herms, people will bid_

_I had no idea what that meant, so I just walked up to the stage…about half an hour later, Ginny was up. She got good bids, about six men were fighting for her and she genuinely looked flustered, but I could tell that she was uneasy. She just broke up from a womaniser; she didn't want to go out with someone else. So I signalled to Harry, who was bidding for her too- purely out of friendship- and I signalled him to pay up! I know he would, he still has feelings for Gin and he asked me if I would care. I didn't…_

_So far Ginny had the second highest offer: 1000 Galleons, 50 Sickles._

_The highest was some snotty nosed blonde model-witch, who always had the men. Her price was 3000 Galleons. She looks like a giant stick insect, which had really no figure, but large breasts, that really got them wizards howling. I had NO chance._

_Then it was my turn. I was preparing for 100 sickles at least, or none at all. I have high confidence, but when it comes to self-appearance, it's shockingly low. So you could imagine my surprise when I had over 20 wizards bidding for me. Despite my low appearance level, I know I'm not ugly. I had more than my fair share of men looking at me when I walked-tripped inside, but I tell you know it wasn't because I was a klutz._

_Then when Lynal Dretski, the new minister in the Ministry of Magic hit 1500 Galleons, all bids stopped._

_I once had the misfortune of meeting him a few years back. He was arrogant and couldn't help but look at my breast and hips. He was trying to hit on me too, much to my dismay and though I kept denying him, would've gotten his way had Ron not stepped in. It was all over the Daily Prophet!_

_1500 Galleons going once…I almost died. I sent a look towards Ginny, who really wouldn't do much…_

_1800 Galleons to Mr Flint…and I thought it could not get worse…_

_1900 Galleons to Mr Dretski…I was almost offended, he has so much money, could he not have gone the 2000!_

_1900 Galleons going twice…I was shaking with nerves…_

_3000 Galleons! I almost fell over, and so did the stick. Ha! In your face you tree-loving thing…_

_My rescuer was Draco Malfoy. Ha! I almost could've kissed him, I said could've… then realization hit that it was DRACO MALFOY. I was grateful that saved me from the hands of the Wretched Dretski, but couldn't help but feel that he only did it as an obligation to help my ass. Either way I was grateful because Dretski wouldn't stand a chance against Draco; he was too powerful in the wizard world and too too rich._

_So I went down because I was too frightened of what would happened if he'd come up to get me. We met and said, "Now we're in trouble"_

_That we are Draco, I agreed. And we went to sit down._

…………………………………………………………………………………………

**DRACOS BOOK THING**

**14/7**

_No I don't think this title works, ah well shit happens_

_Now I'm going to cut the crap and just write what made me open this stupid journal in the first place: tonight's Charity Ball_

_Now I showed up, because if I didn't my Aunt would go mental -not that she isn't now- in my trending black suit and a low buttoned red shirt- the same colour of HER dress I noticed- well who couldn't, I never expected her to wear a dress that revealing…but hey I'm not complaining, I never knew she had curves…_

_OH SHUT UP YOU IDIOT._

_SO I arrived there around 7:30, I didn't want to be early because I wanted to annoy my Aunty- result successful mind you, with Josh and Marz. Gretel offered to baby-sit the kids on her last night at the Grey residence._

_I have never seen Josh so happy it was actually scary. It was tempting to bring up the Terminator subject, but I don't think even that would tarnish his happy mood._

_We went to our table that my Aunt organised and to my relief did not situate me with Xavier, Pansy and my Slytherin cronies. Although she did put us with Granger, Weasley and Potter, which was not that terrible as I initially thought._

_Yarda yarda, ill get to the good stuff…_

_I was outside when I noticed Weasley, and was wondering where Granger was. Those two are inseparable, I'm surprised they are not Siamese twins…then I noticed her, though I had to look twice, a metre or so from me and she couldn't walk. I had thought she was injured or something, then I realised the heels and smirked. I was about to annoy her when she tripped over herself, the klutz. So I grabbed her before she split her dress more that it already was. We had a nice conversation, then she went away annoyed. I was satisfied._

_Then I had an encounter with my Aunty and cousin who saw the whole thing, including my slight smile. I do not fully smile, I don't want more lines…oh I'm joking, I'm not THAT anal…_

_El Nazi Aunty: Well it seems you have gotten yourself well acquainted with Ms Granger. Quite a pretty thing she is, despite her blood_

_Xavier: Pretty she may be, but she has a vulgar mouth and a bad attitude. Though, it is quite a similarity, to Draco._

_Me: Oh you're all so full of compliments. But I have to go now, and spend my company with more enjoyable people._

_El Nazi Aunty: Now Draco, do not be like that. The house is swarming with reporters for the Daily Prophet; so do not do anything stupid as you have a tendency to do so._

_Me: Aunt you're talking to the wrong nephew. Ciao now._

_She obviously didn't like the idea that I was enjoying myself with anyone but her crowd, and came to annoy me when the dancing was on. If I had any mind to murder her before, I have a better incentive now. She literally ordered Granger and me to go and dance._

_At first Hermione was frigid, but when she warmed up I tell you it was not Waltz. We had about two dances then headed back to the table. I could see Marz and Gin teasing Hermione, I would have also had I not been apart of it. Of course I had to get my dose and who better to give it than Josh_

_Josh: Was that a waltz or a Mating ritual, because I'm quite sure it was the latter._

_Me: If you don't shut up, ill tell everyone about your Terminator crisis._

_Yep that shut him up pretty quickly._

_After that came the Auction. Granger was about to jump out of her skin and run. Though I don't see why, almost half the men were planning to "Jump her bones" to put it grotesquely. _

_Then that Dretski started bidding, and I knew there was trouble. I hadn't put in a bid before, though I was tempted, but now I knew I had too do something to get Grangers ass in safe territory._

_Geez, that sounded heroic and Gryffindor-esque, scrap the last line…_

_I kept telling myself I was only doing it because of all the stories about him and how he was trying to hit-on Granger, but I knew it wasn't. And I want to shoot myself for admitting it._

_Let's just say, I saved her butt and just ignited all those marriage-rumours I dispelled a few days back, and gave her an ego boost._

_She was the highest bid after all, though I don't think men should BUY women for a day even if it IS for charity._

_So now we're screwed, and she agrees._

……………………………………………………………………………

**REMASTERED**

**SouredSweetie**


	11. So it begins, the news gets around

* * *

**Chapter ELEVEN: And so it begins…the news gets around**

**16/7-22/7**

* * *

_(Ring)_

"_Hello"_

"_Ah Granger prompt as ever I see. Wouldn't even let the phone ring twice"_

"_Is there a reason as to why you're gracing me with your never needing presence this early in the morning Malfoy?"_

"_Well, someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed…Listen; I need you to drop by the building so we can run by a private interview. We should've done it before, but hey shit happens…"_

"_Seems to be happening a lot to me lately…I have to work today you know Malfoy, it is Monday…"_

"_Really I thought it was Sunday! Had a bit of fun this morning…"_

"_Ugh that's disgusting, I bet it was your maid Benny…"_

"_Oh har har, just be there at 8:00 okay?"_

"_Oh fine. Bye…"_

"_See you Granger…"_

* * *

**To: Gin**

**From: Hermione**

**Re: hey...**

Would you mind telling Carl that I won't be in until lunchtime? I've got to meet up with the devil himself and have some private interview…I'd do It myself but you know how bad Carl is with his technology, I don't think he'd know how to open up an email, and it's too early to call…

Thanks Gin, I owe you one…

Hermione

* * *

**To: Hermione**

**From: Gin**

**Re: Ha!**

I wonder just what the "private session" will contain… (Hopefully it's not going to be recorded) ha!

Oh I'm joking Hermione, I can see your face turning pinkish already…

Yeah no worries, but I don't think he'll be too happy, Damian the coffee dude isn't going to be in today, so who knows how Carl will be without his coffee…like an ape on heat…saw that in the discovery channel once, terrifying Hermione, just terrifying…

Gin

* * *

Private Deposition

In case of _Jeremy Jonks_

Vs

_Hermione Granger_

Held at the offices of Malfoy Grey and Felnof

100 Georgeston Avenue, Suite 12

London, England

**Appearances:**

_Draco Malfoy (DM)_

_Hermione Granger (HG)_

_Recorded by Draco Malfoy (DM) for future evidence_

**DM: Okay we'll just cut to the chase. What happened during the events in which Jeremy Jonks, official name, Jeremiah Jonkson, feels the need to prosecute you…? HG: Now who's prompt? Wakes me up at 6:00 in the morning to say there's some meeting going on, then when I show up shoves me through the door and gets straight into it. And _you_ said _I _woke up on the wrong side of the bed… DM: What? Done…Oh, I thought you were still going… **

**HG: Shut up Malfoy…**

**DM: Oh come on now Granger, no need for a last name basis…**

**HG: But you just…**

**DM: Never mind what I did, it's what you did before to trigger it off…**

**HG: Oh please, you sardonic…**

**DM: Nice Granger, now look what you've started. Just wasted 5 mins of tape because you're acting like a spoilt brat.**

**HG: Good Merlin…how much longer do I have of this…?**

**DM: Just answer the question…doesn't give me that look. **

_**(Incoherent mumbles from female voice about conceited men)**_

**HG: Well Jonks, as I have stated before…is an idiot. He's a womaniser, an aggressive man and an all round schmuck. You two bare a similar resemblance…**

**DM: Please, no time for pleasantries…so what made him corrupt you into hitting him…?**

**HG: for records sake, I'll admit I had no intention of hurting him severely. I mean I knew I would hurt him, but you know I had to get my point across. You see he was aggressive, the way he just barged through the doors and came up to Aneen; I swear he was about to shake her senseless, or worse. He's a very um, competitive man and over protective in some ways, despite the fact he and Aneen broke up. Controlling, that's the word. I didn't mean to hit him, just trying to protect the girls and myself.**

**DM: So you would say you were the more dominating force in the group? How very _Gryffindor_-like of you.**

**HG: Honestly the man is…you see many women protecting themselves against men who don't sue the girls; I just don't understand what his problem is…**

**DM: Maybe he recognised you in some…ahem…pictures while he was in Azkaban. I know they allow stories in for them to read…**

**HG: Malfoy! Why are you mentioning that! I thought this was…**

**DM: add a bit of life in your life. I can always alter this conversation and change what were saying…**

**HG: What are you smirking about! Oh, I get it. That's how you're always winning the cases aren't you Draco! Changing them to suit you, how very _Slytherin_-like of you.**

**DM: Touché Granger, but sometimes you just know when a guy is innocent and you'll do anything to prove it.**

**HG: oh so you use… _(Magic)_**

**DM: what MAGIC…?**

**HG: would you shut up! What if you can't change this!**

**DM: Well then I guess the whole wizarding world is in strife! You're fights not with me Granger, it's with Jonks…**

**HG: Well I'm having a hard time at the moment differentiating between who's the bad and good one out of you!**

**DM: Don't compare me with him Granger! **

_**(Sound of chair moving back and someone arising)**_

**HG: _You're fights not with me Malfoy, it's with Xavier…_**

_**Sound of chair slamming)**_

_**(Female gasp)**_

**DM: Dammit Granger! You could at least be a little courteous! I was the one who "saved" you from bloody Dretski…**

**HG: Oh so that's how it is! You "saved" me from the brute and now I'm in debt to you! Think I couldn't handle it myself…**

_**Sound of chair moving backward and another arising)**_

**DM: Sit down Granger…**

**HG: No! I didn't need you to protect me from him, especially if you didn't mean it…**

**DM: I'm beginning to regret spending that much on someone who doesn't appreciate it!**

**HG: Merlin you're an idiot! I do care! But if you…**

**DM: Then why are you getting mad at me for! Is it that time of the month?**

**HG: Why did you do it? We hated each other throughout out Hogwarts…**

**DM: Merlin you frustrate me! Hogwarts was year's back and I haven't changed. I've only learnt to respect people a little more…**

**HG: So why do it? Is there more? Are you scheming something? I know you don't actually care for a mudblood…**

_(Sounds of heavy footsteps approaching (Hermione))_

**DM: I don't care do I?**

(INSERT IMAGINATION HERE)

**DM: I do Granger…**

_Sound door slamming…)_

_(Long pause)_

**HG: Oh dear. I think I have to sit down now…ouch…**

_(Sound of tape stopping)_

* * *

**To: Tim**

**From: Gin**

**Re: Hermione**

Okay Tim, here's the deal:

On Saturday we went out on a party right, right!

- Course its right I was bloody there- anyways; Hermione and Draco… well sparks flew. Not literally of course that would be silly right, no such thing as magic, AHEM…

Sorry I'm really giddy…

You see this morning Hermione went to finalise the papers for her court case in two months, so they're there…together… BUT alone….

Ohhh! Aren't you excited! I hoped she's got contraceptives!

Anyways, I'm asking you to tell me anything you know and vice versa!

Can you do that for me Tim! Of course you can!

Now to more serious issues relating to the topic: DO NOT do anything stupid like those heterosexual winks…yes everyone can tell when its not a "gay" wink Tim…there's just no sparkle…so none of that…

If she confronts you about it, well _WHAT_ will she confront you about!

(Ha, you see the cunning; you see it…brilliant I am)

And most importantly: IF you tell SHARMANYE I'm seriously going to hex you!

That's a no no.

Gin

* * *

**To: Gin**

**From: Tim**

**Re: Hermione**

Man Ginny, you really need sex.

Oooh, how exciting! I feel like a gay version of James Bond, only more of a Brendan Fraser stunner! (Don't get me wrong; Sean Connery is a darl, but well generation wise…)

From the sound of your typing, it's as if you were there, you're so giddy! I can see your head bopping over the cubicle!

I'd stop that if I were you, one of my friends peed their pants by performing that act of anxiety… of course they _were_ at a Kylie concert…

Thanks for telling me Gin; you know I crave a gossip!

Tim…

P.S. since I'm the computer stud, I could hack into any emails she sends…! Ha, who needs 007 when you have a binary system! 012010 here we go…!

* * *

**To: Hermione Granger**

**Fr:Human Resources **

**Re: Dilatory**

Dear Hermione Granger,

This is a notice from the Human Resource division of the _London Post_. We are hereby informing you that according to your supervisor Carl Bronston, you arrived 115 minutes late to work today, resulting in your 2nd tardy exceeding sixty minutes this year, Miss Granger.

We at the London Post do not believe that your tardiness is acceptable and are therefore suggesting you take place in a Staff Assistance program. We understand that your late routine could be a cause of the following:

Drug addiction/overdose

Mental and physical health disorders

Alcohol addiction

Sleep affliction

Libellous brutal consort.

We here at the Human Resources department are only trying to help you Hermione Granger. If your tardiness is of your own lack or organization, we suggest you change your attitude.

Any future tardiness may result in abeyance or suspension.

Sincerely,

Vanessa McGaughn

Human Resource Division

London Post.

* * *

**To: Ginny**

**From: Hermione**

**Re: GINNY!**

Why didn't you tell Carl or at least Vanessa that I wasn't going to be in! Now I've got like 52 tardy notes in my file!

Ah, it's my fault anyway, I should've told someone more responsible…maybe Sharmayne. At least she'll do anything for a flirt, even with the boss…

Hermione

* * *

**To: Hermione**

**From: Gin**

**Re: Of course…**

…It's your fault!

Sorry lovely but right after you rang me; I had to go to the bathroom and spew. I thought my whole digestive system would come out in one push. No more seafood for me for about 4 days. I had that yesterday and it's making me feel crap.

Sorry again,

Love Ginny

P.S. How did it go?

* * *

**To: Human Resources**

**Fr: Herm Granger **

**Re: My Dilatory**

You forgot to mention uptight lawyers

Oh come on Vanessa! I know its no excuse but I asked Ginny to tell you and she forgot! I couldn't call in at 7:00 because no one was there and by that time I was gone.

Ask my lawyer if you have to, I was having a meeting with him because of this bloody court case!

Be a champ! Take it off!

Hermione

* * *

**To: Ginny**

**From: Hermione**

**Re: would you…**

…Stop bloody looking over the cubicle and giving me that "okay sister, I know what you did, well not really…so I'm going to suck up to you to know what you did" look, because I'm not going to give you anything…

OMG, did Tim just wink at me! What did you tell him!

Hermione

* * *

**To: Hermione**

**From: Gin**

**Re: what look?**

Can't a friend just be happy to see the other friend who is looking just a little too peachy for her usually pale complexion?

How silly of you! Hermione darling, you _ACTUALLY_ thought I would care for the details of your meeting with Draco? Sweetie, honestly I don't care! It's your business I understand…though hopefully it explains why your hair clip isn't supporting your hair.

Maybe a Polar bear, here in England, mauled you!

I'll be here though if you need me…

Love Gin

XOXOX

* * *

**To: Ted Simpton **

**Fr: Hermione**

**Re: Spill it**

Okay what the hell did she say to you Tim?

* * *

**To: Hermione**

**From: Tim**

**Re: What?**

What ever are you on about? Who was supposed to tell me something that would result you in threatening me?

Are you a little drunk from the party you went to on Saturday? Remember the one you ditched us on for Gin?

Timmy

* * *

AudiciousGossipMonger: Oh shut up Tim don't change the subject!

**GayManWalking: well well, whom do we have here? **

AudiciousGossipMonger: shut it! I know she told you something, I could see the looks on your bloody faces…

**GayManWalking: Hermione darling… (Oh my good gay gluts! that sounded like Sharmayne) you know I don't care much for gossiping, unless it contains a little man action…**

AudiciousGossipMonger: oh? So a six-foot white wouldn't tingle your curiosity?

**GayManWalking: six-foot? My Tinkers! The legend has come true! Lead me to the almighty! **

AudiciousGossipMonger: I wasn't talking about lower extremities Tim!

**GayManWalking: oh well then, one can only hope…**

AudiciousGossipMonger: so what was it about?

**GayManWalking: _you _tell _me_, feisty Frieda**

AudiciousGossipMonger: ha! Tricky…not funny! Who in the _muggle world_ is Feisty Frieda? I don't look like a Frieda do I?

**GayManWalking: Muggle? Where in my _gay world_ have you been?**

AudiciousGossipMonger: never mind, I'm sure you've been there many times before…

_Human Resources: Both of you will go there if you don't turn this off and get to work!_

AudiciousGossipMonger: Now that I've got you, what do you say about taking off the tardy?

_Human Resources: Ms Granger, it is not Ms Weasleys fault that you weren't responsible enough to contact the office about being late. Now make up for it by getting off this IM process and do some decent work for once in a while…_

AudiciousGossipMonger: Logged Off

**GayManWalking: Logged Off**

Human Resources: Logged off

AudiciousGossipMonger: Logged on

**GayManWalking: Logged on**

**GayManWalking: well honestly she needs to visit that world she could use a personality**

AudiciousGossipMonger: I reckon eh! Things must be dreadful on the love front…

**GayManWalking: yeah, she's not getting any!**

AudiciousGossipMonger: plausible

**GayManWalking: so what happened today? You were about to tell me before she cut…**

AudiciousGossipMonger: Logged off

**GayManWalking: …me off**

**GayManWalking: Honestly women! And the wonder why men turn gay!**

**GayManWalking: Logged off**

* * *

**To: Hermione**

**From: Mum and Dad**

**Re: Hey Mione**

Sweetie where have you been? We haven't heard from you for a while!

Well were back from our conference, I told you your father would be "shocked" to see me there!

You see I thought I'd play a trick on him: he'd go there unawares I would take the next flight in! So when I arrived at the hotel we were to be staying at, well let's just say your father, bless him, was about to have a coronary!

Though the more I think about it, shame he didn't!

Just kidding darling!

Anyway, I just wrote in to check up on you and deliver the news that your cousin Melissa is getting married! And he's some oil heir! Wonderful isn't it: which brings me to my next point, when are you going to find a lovely chap and settle down! I would just love a few grandchildren before I die, and well Hermione, that's going to come sooner than you think.

But, that may be coming quicker for you than you think!

Okay honey, I'll call you soon!

Love Mummy…

…And dad too, if he wasn't snoozing on the couch drooling like the animal he is!

P.S. Come and visit us sometime! Since we moved out of London, we've barely seen you! Cousin Melissa would just love to see you to see her and her new fiancé! (Did we tell you they live around the corner from us?) – Guess I just did.

XOXOX

* * *

**To: Mum and Dad**

**From: Hermione**

**Re: Hey!**

Hey mum and dad!

Nice to know you're doing well, I might come and visit in a few weeks: but I'll be sure to stay well clear of Melissa, I just know she wants to rub it in my face! She gets a billionaire and I'll probably end up marrying Paul the Garbo…

(Not that there's anything wrong with picking up rubbish, I'm just showing the vast differences between the two occupations…)

Mum, what did you mean by a baby will become soon for me? Please don't tell me you're going to set me up with one of your knitting clubs desperate sons, who'll get me knocked up, then run off this some big breasted blonde!

Anyway, I'm at work at the moment, and Carls eyeing me like a starving Hawk so I'd better go!

Love Hermione…

P.S. I'm sure in the animal world that would be a sign of superiority…

* * *

**To: Hermione**

**From: Dad**

**Re: Your mother…**

…Will be the end of me! She hasn't stopped squealing since she read those bloody articles in you're wizard Daily Prophet…we have over ten bunched up outside our door because we were at the conference…

She's starting to make a scrapbook of all of them, but it's a bit hard to do since those bloody pictures don't like being glued onto paper!

Hermione, I don't know what's going on, but you're smart, so I'll appreciate it if you can get your mother out of my hair for at least 3 days, without severely harming her. I know it'll be tough, but hey you can't fight temptation…

In other matters, congratulations for being "bought" on Saturday. Draco Malfoy eh, seems good and rich enough for my girl: unfortunately for you, your mother told Melissa he's richer than her "Brandon" and handsomer...

Women…

What happened to the personality quality?

Anyway, just thought I'd give you the low down…so try not to stay in too much contact with your mother…I don't want you to suffer the peril I am!

Love Dad

P.S. I finally figured out how to use this computer, took me all of this afternoon but it's done! I couldn't go down to the bowls club, your mother told all the guys wives and now they're taking over the whole area talking about weddings and babies…

* * *

**To: Ginny**

**From: Hermione**

**Re: I don't…**

Know what's worse…when a mother is bribing her daughter to have a kid before she dies and sounds like Sharmayne, or the fact that the daughter wishes she could die at the moment! Then there's the cousin who's marrying a rich oil heir and the aunty who's telling her, her daughter is about to hitch an even rich man…

Don't you wish you were a muggle?

Hermione

* * *

**To: Hermione**

**From: Ginny**

**Re: oh I don't know…**

I think perhaps sushi with a worm in it, which is half in my gut, would totally top the terrible list, at least it think it's a worm…

Gin

* * *

**To: Ginny**

**From: Hermione**

**Re: That's…**

Disgusting, I bet you ate around it though…

P.S. come over tonight, I'll tell you what happened. I'm not saying anything here; too many ears are listening, no thanks to you

P.P.S. I thought you weren't going to eat seafood anymore? Four days I think you said, not four hours!

* * *

**To: Hermione**

**From: Gin**

**Re: Ha!**

You know me too well!

Gin

P.S. No worries, always there to lend a ear or ten

P.P.S. Ah, I felt better! I think the worm made it slightly meaty, therefore not as seafood-ish :P

* * *

**To: Draco**

**From: Josh**

**Re: Well…**

I don't know what the hell happened, but I believe that being your closest and only friend, I deserve to know why you stormed out of work yesterday morning!

I remember Hermione coming in, but that's about it. I accidentally heard a bit of yelling, then quiet…then the door slam and then again as you left the building.

So by my calculation, I am willing to interpret that the events occurring…ah…in the duration of the awkward silence, is what triggered your flared temper.

Sorry I was just trying to sound like my old therapist, "So how does it make you feel" God she was annoying…

Josh

* * *

**To: Josh**

**From: Draco**

**Re: …**

_I accidentally heard a bit of yelling _

Accidentally my ass. That's why your ear was pressed up against the door.

Look I don't know what happened. At first it was just normal, we were annoying each other and it was fine. Then somehow the topic of Saturday was brought up and well at that time we were at each other's throats.

I'm just mad…

Draco

* * *

**To: Draco**

**From: Josh**

**Re: Oh I see… **

…So one minute you're at each other throats, the next down each other's throats.

I see. But I believe you missed out that detail.

So what are you going to do about it? I could give you my therapist's number, but in all honestly she'd make you more insane than you already are: I am living proof.

Josh

* * *

**To: Gin**

**From: Mary**

**Re: Okay…**

Hey how you doing.

I know you're going breach a code of friendship conduct, so I'm hoping you'll do it in fashion.

Draco stormed out of the office yesterday right after the meeting.

So what happened? Please Gin, I'm a mother of two daughters, one that is obsessed with chopping off her sister's hair and the Teletubbies. I need some action. I'd've asked Hermione, but well you know: I assume she's just as sensitive as Draco at the moment.

Honestly those two are so stubborn, you'd be blind not to see they've got something there. I mean, there's so much sexual tension between them I'm surprised they haven't exploded without touch!

See what's happening to me Ginny! The daytime Soapies aren't helping and the fact my mother is extending her visit cramps my style…

Help a friend would you?

Marz

* * *

**To: Marz**

**From: Ginny**

**Re: I totally…**

Agree with you! Hermione would argue that they've only known each other for a couple of weeks, and hated each other with a passion at school, that nothing could happen between them!

Load of dragon dung if you ask me.

Don't tell Hermione I said this, or Josh for that matter! That man has the biggest mouth around, no offence :P

In the beginning, they were going normal, whatever that is to them, and then the subject turned about what Draco did for Hermione on Saturday.

Anyways, Herms was a little peeved at first because he said he just did it so she wouldn't have to spend time with Dretski, the pig-headed ape. She argued that she didn't need him to help her and said she wished he didn't put in those Galleons: she was insulted, but secretly was grateful.

Then Draco agreed that he shouldn't have wasted his money on someone who didn't appreciate it (obviously he's struggling with coming to terms of his feelings for her, as she to him)

Then Hermione, the idiot, confuses the whole thing by saying she did care and asks why he did it.

He at this stage is frustrated and in rage, as any man would by a woman who is so persistent and aggressive, and she isn't helping when she presses on why he did it and states that she knows he doesn't care for a mudblood like her.

This is where the fun starts...

This statement riles up Draco, and he stomps over to Hermione who is standing tall, but worried shitless because of the predatory passionate look in his eyes, and bends down to her and asks, (she memorised this bit mind you) "I don't care do I?"

Then they pashed! Like an explosive sour gobberstopper! All that passion and anger boiled up, released into a frenzy of roaming and saliva, lasting well over two minutes, hotting up layer by layer! Then when it was just getting to the next step (being pushed onto the desk) he pulls away and says " I DO CARE GRANGER"

Obviously not as capitalised and loud and the tone would've been hoarse, I mean, they just kissed senseless right, but that's beside the point!

I knew eventually all that sexual apprehension and irritation because of it would lead to something so…ooh!

I'm about to fall off my seat!

But hitting reality, I think this will be a bit of a problem. I mean he's her lawyer for Merlins sake and they're both too stubborn to do anything about it!

If they can both see past their past, well who knows what will happen!

Gin

* * *

**To: Gin**

**From: Marz**

**Re: Oh my…**

I mean, to some people it wouldn't be a big deal…but with those two…

I've just recovered from my drought, stuff the soapies when you've got a case like theirs.

Haha, well this should be interesting! Can't wait for the next instalment. Thanks for the Goss Ginny! I owe you a large margarita pizza and large garlic bread!

Thanks sweetie!

Marz

* * *

**To: Marz**

**From: Gin**

**Re: hehe**

Don't forget the extra cheese!

Gin

* * *

**DRACO'S DIARY**

**17/7**

_Well what can I say; I'm a wand with a stud…or is that the other way around? Anyways, I'm a 26-year-old bachelor, handsome at that, with no partner (which would explain the bachelor apart, but isn't very helpful for the handsome factor…)_

_I'm drunk if you can't tell diary, why you ask? Well I have no answer to that or the reason as to why you are asking me a question…_

_I'm going to go any lie down…_

**DRACO'S DIARY**

_Well that was interesting…not. I wonder what's worse: dreaming about Granger or…wait nothing is as bad as her…_

_I can't get her out of my bloody head, and it's killing me! _

_Oh wait a minute; perhaps snogging her senseless yesterday could be up there amongst the worst things…_

_Well it wasn't that bad, much better then I'd like to admit._

_I don't know what came over me! She's the only one that can get me that mad and bloody frustrated and instead of dealing with it civilly, I shove my tongue down her throat!_

_Merlin just open the gates of hell and flush me down, just like I'm going with this vodka._

_I don't like her do I? No…but I do "CARE"! God, what was I thinking! _

_Ouch, note to self, do not bang glass vodka bottle against head._

_Wait a minute, she's just as much to blame as I am…I didn't see her trying to stop it! Heck I don't even understand why she was so angry when I bid the highest for her and got her from Dretski. I did it because didn't want him to crack onto her like before, right? That's why I did it right?_

_Why don't women come with manuals? Preferable pictured ones, a much better image if you get what I mean…I need to know how to read them. _

_(Working them is just fine)_

_It's her fault anyway, if she wasn't drunk on Saturday and didn't cling to me for life, this would be totally different._

_Ah shit. Now I've hit a dilemma._

_I'm telling you now, this is worse than the shocking Bold and the Beautiful storyline._

_Don't ask, Marz influence._

* * *

**To: Draco**

**From: David**

**Re: YOU**

What's wrong with society these days? Actually never mind society, what the hell is up with you and Grey? He's acting like a giddy schoolboy who got his first kiss behind the shed and your acting like Bad Santa.

Am I the only normal one in this office?

Whatever his happening I can only assume it's to do with you, so find a way to stop it. We want to get more clients not push them away because both you knuckleheads aren't getting any sex.

David

* * *

**To: David**

**From: Draco**

**Re: Normal…**

"I" and "normal" should never be in the same sentence when it relates to you. As to why Josh and I aren't our smart ass selves, well it's Wednesday and we're here at work with you…after 3 years, it gets to you and hits hard.

Mind your beeswax Felnof

Draco

* * *

**To: Draco **

**From: Josh**

**Re: Hey Romeo**

…yesterday I was only stirring you up when I thought you two kissed, but now that I know the details…it explains a whole lot more of what I heard!

I guess no woman should ever get you mad eh? Who knows what you're capable of :P

Josh

* * *

TheDraconis: WHO THE HELL TOLD YOU!

**I8THETELETUBBIES: no need to shout! I can here you from your office!**

TheDraconis: GREY!

**I8THETELETUBBIES: okay, okay. Marz told me, who heard it from Ginny, who got it from the poor victim herself, Hermione. **

TheDraconis: oh my god, this is like a schoolyard gossip session. Shit.

**I8THETELETUBBIES: So lover boy, how was it…:P**

TheDraconis: Quite good actually, WHICH IS BESIDE THE POINT!

**I8THETELETUBBIES: there you go with the capitals…**

TheDraconis: If you dare, say anything to Felnof, I will get that smiley tie you're wearing, tighten it around your throat until your head explodes. You got that! Don't think I can't, remember the toad I tried it on?

**I8THETELETUBBIES: Um how could I? It was poisonous! I was in St Mungo's for a month! Good times those…**

TheDraconis: Just don't even think about it!

**I8THETELETUBBIES: Oh I won't. Why would I want to give Felnof something to talk about. His voice is irritating…**

TheDraconis: Good.

TheDraconis: Logged off

**I8THETELETUBBIES: Logged off.**

* * *

**To: Gin**

**From: Hermione**

**Re: Um…**

Mind telling me why there's an owl near your window?

Hermione

* * *

**To: Gin**

**From: Herm**

**Re: Well…**

…That's a nice way to get rid of the bird, just throw it…it's also a good way of hurling yourself out of the window!

Judging by that groan and gasp, I assume it's from your parents…

Herms

* * *

**To: Hermione**

**From: Gin**

**Re: I don't know if I should tell you…**

But you're old enough and I will. So Harry's gone for a year right all around the world and we won't be able to contact him throughout the tournament. We already know about that…

KfgsafdhfLUNAadsnasdhasodISaldhasadasddPREGNANT

So yeah, all good.

Mum's invited you to come to dinner tonight too.

Gin

* * *

**To: Gin**

**From: Hermione**

**Re: WHAT**

Luna is pregnant? Ha! Big shocker there, I told you something was up at your mums the other week!

Oh well, good luck to them. At least something is working out.

Ah I think I'll skip out tonight, but send my regards.

Hermione

* * *

**To: Hermione**

**From: Draco**

**Re: I know you'll ignore this but grow up…**

I knew that'd get you mad…but you can't be as angry as I am now…

Do you realise that you have set up a chain of chaotic events? You see Ms Granger, you told Red what happened on Monday, who told Marz, who spilt it onto Josh. So as you can imagine the chaos I am going through at the moment threatening Josh not to tell David OR my cousin. Somehow, I know he'll find out, which will affect your case.

So thankyou for starting this up, if you have any ides how to end this series of unfortunate events I really want to know Granger!

Draco

* * *

**FROM THE DESK OF GINNY**

_Okay now I heard you groan, what's up…_

_P.S. sorry if this papers hits your head, as you can tell I'm throwing it over the cubicle..._

You know when you tell someone a secret, it's meant to be between them…

_Um, possibly…_

WHY DID YOU TELL!

I don't care that Marz knows, I'd have told her sooner or later, but she told Josh! You moron!

_Oh come on, it's no dig deal Hermione…_

Well it is too me…ah shove it. I'm over it now… No you're not

**Maybe not, but I reckon Sharmayne wouldn't tell so quickly**

_Haha!_

**Okay maybe she would. We should stop this you know, Carl keeps looking over at us, and I think it's a little unusual that a ball of paper is being thrown about.**

**Give my regards to Ron and Luna.**

* * *

**To: Hermione; Draco; Josh; Mary; Ginevra**

**From: David**

**Re: Oh my God**

…all this kafuffle is about a snog shared by two dimwits in an act of passionate anger? Get a grip people.

To Hermione and Draco, if it's not a big deal, stop making it one. The more defensive you are about something, the more truth there is to it. But of course you are both too blind to see that and anything else beside yourselves…

To you other three, if someone tells you something, keep it to yourselves! You're breaching a code of something, I really couldn't be stuffed to write now, wasting my time on you imbeciles.

So grow up the lot of you. Deal with it like normal adults, and not love struck teens.

I won't be telling anybody, I don't want to stoop to that level.

David

* * *

**To: Draco; Marz; Gin; Herms**

**From: Josh**

**Re: David**

He's right yo know, I hate it when he's right. Why does he have to be right?

What do you think we should do?

I say we give him major shrinkage that would really pull his pride. Marz, you know the spell for that, what do you say?

Josh

* * *

_David Felnof_

_Malfoy Grey and Felnof_

_100 Georgeston Avenue, Suite 12_

_London, England_

_12345_

_18/7/05_

_Dear Xavier,_

_  
I'm writing to you just to give you some of the low down concerning your irritating cousin and his client. Seems they're getting a little too close for comfort. There was a scene on Monday, which has led to a three-day ordeal of gossip sessions and just plain idiocy._

_Let's just say it's only a matter of time before one of them snaps and something happens. Anyway's, if you want to know more contact me, you know how too._

_David Felnof_

* * *

**To: Herms**

**From: Gin**

**Re: Check this out…**

**Attach: Jonkson case**

Yesterday at mum's, dad gave me some clippings about Jonks since he worked in the ministry. He's bad Herms and what's even worse is that he's the Malfoy's' enemy, especially Draco and the late Lucius Malfoy…

I'd be worried if I were you. If it's not a battle against you, he must be pining for Draco.

Gin

**_Attach 1:_ Jeremiah Jonkson wizards new Dark Lord?**

**_February 23rd 1996_**

_Under the black hoods covering the faces of evil, a glint is seen in the eyes of the death eater. Many who have come face to face with the wizarding world's most shameful being have seen this image before their painful Avada Kedavra death._

_This premature war is hitting the better-known wizards including Auror Vector McGraw in the Ministry of Magic's Defence team._

_The leader in this escapade is known to be 25-year-old Jeremiah Jonkson, a Durmstrang ex-student who excelled the dark arts in school._

_He now is a criminal on the run and who kills everyone blocking his destructive path and believe to be a counterpart in the escapade is young Shane Nigen, 15, child of the notorious Franklin Nigen, Azkaban criminal, murdered by his Master Lord Voldemort himself._

_If there is any information about the whereabouts of Jonkson, please owl the Ministry of Magic's Defence team. A reward is guaranteed of 2000 galleons._

Attach 2: **Jonkson believed to be leader of worst duel in Wizard History**

**_February 28th 1996_**

_Whole town dead in one of the wizard world's most shocking public duels in history. As the war rears its ugly head, the innocent are paying the price for the Ministry's reckless decisions as yet again Harry Potter warns that the Dark Lord is more powerful than ever and ready too attack at any moment._

_It has been known that Infamous fugitive Death Eater Jeremiah Jonks is the leader of the tribe as Lucius Malfoy is serving a sentence in Azkaban and the Dark Lord himself location is unawares. _

_Jonks led his team of Death Eaters, including Bellatrix Lestrange, into the little town of Greendale, initially targeting Joe Frey of he Ministry, but instead ended up murdering the whole population of the town._

_"This is tragic," reports Roy Anderson. " Too many are dieing for this not too make a big deal. We all know who the leader is; if we find him…we get our answers. Hopefully Jonkson will be caught before more lives are lost._

**_Attach 3:_ The war at final rest**

**February 10th 1997**

_Finally after seventeen years of battling a war with no name, The Dark Lord and his minions have been defeated. Harry Potter and Neville Longbottom along with fellow Hermione Granger and Ronald Weasley, have together put an end to the turmoil endured the last few years._

_In a horrific battle, the Dark Lord was defeated in the Ultimate sacrifice by Neville Longbottom and the final spell by Harry Potter, to seal the end of a hard fought four day battle._

_"I'm so glad it is all over," the Gryffindor Seeker comments, "But we can not forget that Neville Longbottom was the hero in all of this. His courage and loyalty to all of his friends was most appreciated, and I think we all owe a lot to him. Rest in Peace Neville."_

_The wizard world rejoices in this fortunate event, and February 9th will go down as one of the most victorious days in History._

_**Attach 4:**_ **Jonkson caught after Malfoy betrayal**

**March 7th 1997**

_Over a year after the Death Eater rebellion, Jeremiah Jonkson has been caught and revealed by fellow supposed Death Eater Lucius Malfoy._

_" I wanted revenge. I was put into this jail under false pretences with no evidence supporting that I was apart of the disgraceful Death Eater mob," Malfoy states._

_" I can not comment as to how I have received the information of his whereabouts, but I do hope that his future in Azkaban is worse than the death he should've endured in the war."_

_Jonkson was found in the Forbidden Forest on the outskirts of Wizard school Hogwarts in an underground bunker. His comment made was most unsettling:_

_"I didn't do anything! It was all Malfoy's idea, I had no part in the war! They put me in here trapped and wand less so I couldn't reveal the location of the Dark Lord! I tell you now; I will avenger Lucius Malfoy all in his name. He is the traitor who revealed himself as I. He should not be trusted. Let the shame fall on your shoulders." _

_Jonkson is the only known Death Eater to have survived the War and will serve the rest of his life in Azkaban._

**Attach 5: Jonkson freed from Azkaban**

**_July 27th 2004_**

_An unknown source has freed Jeremiah Jonkson, notorious and feared Death Eater from Azkaban. It is believed that a member from the Ministry bailed out Jonks for a hefty fee._

_"We should've given him the Kiss while we had the chance. The law has betrayed us all. It has allowed the community to feel fear again since the war," Arthur Weasley, running for Minister comments. "It needs a change."_

_In a Public appearance, the hooded Jonks states:_

"_I still stand by my comments years before: I was not apart of the Great War. I have suffered long enough in this hellhole and have survived because I knew I didn't do anything wrong. Do you see the Dark Mark on my arm, where is you're proof? I will avenge my turmoil, I went in as a murderer and though I was not…I'll probably come back as one…"_

_**Attach 6: A Missing Eye, and a Missing Painting...**_

_One of the long forgotten paintings of the 17th Century has been stolen from the home of owner, Harriet Nigen. _

_Titled: The Man who Sees All, is a magical painting, but unique as it does not move around, and yet holds a secret inside: which no one knows anything about._

_Harriet claims released criminal Jeremiah Jonks has taken the painting as revenge for not bailing him out of Azkaban. _

_A spokesperson for Jonks says the theory itself is criminal and thatNigen should have better security on her house._

_The painting was supposed to be inherited by Harriet's niece Shane Nigen, daughter of notorious Death Eater Franklin Nigen, who was last seen at the hands of the Drak Lord himself._

_Shane a clever and bright student who excelled at potions in Durmstrang has not made a comment about the painting and an inside source says she didn't even know it was gone..._

Sorry had to cut it off there, got even more boring…

So what did you think? It doesn't state what he looks like, which is probably why we didn't recognise him straight away. He's a moron if you ask me, but the question remains who let him out?

Let's have lunch!

Ginny

* * *

**To: Gin**

**From: Hermione**

**Re: Well…**

That was depressing. Thanks for ruining my Thursday with information about my new nemesis. Could we report him or anything?

I don't know what to do, I think I'll have to talk to Malfoy about this…

Hermione

P.S. Is that all you can think about, Food? You could be dieing and your lasts words would be: Can I have some Stroganoff? Save the food eating contests, Hermione…

* * *

**To: Draco**

**From: Hermione**

**Re: Okay…**

Let's forget about Monday, and act slightly more civilised for at least this email.

I'm sure you've done research about Jonks, but the fact that you didn't know before was really unusual, so I'm guessing that you already knew, but didn't want to tell me because hey, it just must affect this pathetic case.

So spill it Malfoy, what's his connection with you and your father!

Hermione

* * *

**To: Hermione**

**From: Draco**

**Re: Civilised?**

If I remember correctly you were the one getting all touchy…

Listen it's not that interesting, but yes I did know: but that's none of your business, so Granger let me help you and you help me by not interfering, capische?

Draco

* * *

**To: Draco**

**From: Hermione**

**Re: Well…**

Obviously someone has got issues!

I don't know what your problem is but if you're my Lawyer I deserve to know what your relationship is too him, and I will find out Malfoy, just you wait!

* * *

_Jeremy,_

_As you previously requested I have got some information concerning the pending case. Cannot say mush about it now, in case this falls into the wrong hands. _

_I have an idea that will avenge your enemy for sending you to Azkaban. Let no more be said._

_You know where to meet me,_

_X_

* * *

**To: Hermione**

**From: Sharmayne**

**Re: Darling…**

Would you mind not pressing so hard on the keyboard, I've had a little bit too much to drink, so all this light and your irritating noise aren't helping the fact I'm as drunk as a man who has blown it all in a horse contest: a bit like my second ex-husband…

So please precious, would you mind keeping down I'd hate to regurgitate all over my new Armani suit. Last time I did that the dry cleaner made it look like some thing to come out of Kmart.

Sharmayne

XOXOX

* * *

**To: Sharmayne**

**From: Hermione**

**Re: Sorry…**

…I'm just mad at my computer screen. Well actually the person who I'm emailing, self-absorbed ass…

He won't tell me what I need to know and I'm not in a conversational mood with him right now.

Hermione

* * *

_Shane,_

_I've got to do it; I can't stand this any longer. Both the Malfoy's are giving me migraines, I really don't know which ones head is bigger. And Granger, my god, feminist extraordinaire! _

_I'm going to stand up for myself this time Shane, I don't care that you got me out of Azkaban, I don't want to make the same mistakes again, following someone only to be backstabbed and betrayed. You're on your own._

_Xavier's already suspicious, and that man knows everything. The poor bastard thinks his in on some terrible secret that will bring down his cousin and the Mudblood, watch your steps._

_I'm meeting up with him in a while, you won't be able to stop me._

_JJ_

* * *

**To: Hermione**

**From: Sharmayne**

**Re: Ah I see…**

So it's about a man I gather, well unless your referring a female with "him" then I think you've got a vocabulary issue.

If he won't spill it over the phone darling, why don't you just break into his house or at least pay him a visit? I did that to my third ex-husband and he was mightily shocked. Of course, it was the Repo man coming to take some things to my pent house, but that's beside the point.

Hope that works Sweetie

Sharmayne

XOXO

* * *

**Diary of Hermione Granger**

**19/7/05**

_Okay so I'm walking up to the door of Draco's muggle home, multitasking._

_What possessed me to do this? Oh yes that's right, Sharmayne. The woman who has three ex-husbands and is possibly the worst person to ask for advice when it comes to men: unless you're planning to sleep with them._

_Wow his house is nice, a large multi-story modern home with oh! Roses and frangipanis! I must admit, he has nice taste; but I don't get why you have to walk a bloody kilometre until you get to his door._

_And why is his house so big in the first place? It's probably only him living in there, oh wait…he probably adds a level each time he has a woman: lovely, but I don't care. I think I'll stay on the first._

_Well I'm near the door now I can't do this! What will I say?_

"_Yeah listen Malfoy, I said I'd find out so I'm here. Spill it!" _

_No no, that's wrong! _

_I hate it when he does this. But he's doing nothing at all, that's what I hate! I'm never this tongue-tied! Oh stuff it here it goes._

_Merlin, I hear footstep! Maybe I could do a runner and he won't even notice I was here! Yeah right Granger, as if you're going to run a kilometre in ten seconds…_

_Its times like these I wish I was athletic rather than intelligent._

_Shit…_

"_Granger? What are you doing here…"_

_He's topless…topless!_

"_Well, I am just going to…" _

"_Are you writing this down? You are insane, quick come inside. I wouldn't want any of my neighbours seeing you here…"_

"_How could they when you're a kilometre from civilisation…"_

_Okay so I'm in the Slytherin stronghold, and must I say I'm in love with his house. It's got this rich medieval theme to it, with just a little Thai feel. _

_Did he just say something? What did he say… I look like the biggest knucklehead._

_Oh he asked if I wanted a drink, double scotch I said. I don't even drink scotch! This is trouble…_

"_I know what you're here for Granger, but I don't think I trust you enough with the information."_

_Where did he come from? At least he's got a shirt on: I don't think I could trust me eyes, enemy or not._

"_I don't care what happened in the past…"_

"_Listen I don't even know myself what happened Granger. Everything I could tell you would be a second source. And anyway you'd find out sooner or later…"_

"_What's that supposed to mean?" what a nerve…_

"_Oh come on Granger, you didn't become a journo for no reason. Your bossiness had to come in somewhere…"_

… 

_Oh what a woos…_

**Diary of Hermione Granger**

**19/6**

_Right now I'm at home, free from topless men and scotch…thank Merlin, because any longer, well…_

_Turns out Draco's father was a death eater: worst kept secret of the century and the Malfoy family knew Jonks. In fact they were good friends._

_Blablablabla, turns out Jonks stole money and women from Lucius so he well, revealed him and put Jonks in prison. Jonks knew it was Lucius, because he told Draco where he was hiding._

_It didn't help that Jonks and Malfoy Snr were fighting for Right-hand to Lord Voldy._

_So Draco sent an anonymous letter to the Ministry and BOOM, Jonks was found and captured._

_Ever since then Jonks has somehow tried to sabotage the Malfoy name, but because he hasn't got any of his magic with him, it's unsuccessful._

_Or at least that's what I forced out of Malfoy. Of course he could've just made it up to shut me up, to that I'd say I was impressed, how very vaguely. I didn't give him much chance to say anything else…_

_Funny what guys would do if their broomstick was in danger, and by that I don't mean family jewels…_

_The weird thing is, that if Jonks was a close Family friend of the Malfoys, why didn't Draco recognise him? So I asked and he said I asked too many questions, so I asked again. His plain answer was that Jonks was always under a hood, no one saw his face, not even half the Death Eaters. That's why no one could capture him, as no one knew what he looked like._

_Then Draco announced that maybe I should find a new lawyer, someone who wasn't so connected to him. I could see the sense in it, I didn't entirely agree, but I knew he was right. _

_Then we started arguing, a most common habit now a days, about the case and Draco's surprise that I agreed so quickly…then it lead onto what happened on Monday. If I wasn't comfortable before, at that moment I felt as if I was a sheared sheep in winter._

_He was so cool and calm about it …and me? Well I looked like a mad ape, arms flinging around like a propeller. He just sat there arms folded and that annoying- yet irresistible- smirk on his face. _

"_What happened? I can't remember…" he says…_

_He acted so serenely about it, while during the last four says I was fretting like a headless chicken. Did he not care? Did he always kiss clients so passionately they can't walk after it! Because I must say, my bottom is still in pain after I fell off the chair when it ended._

_I bet he forgot about it straight after he barged through those doors, and most likely bragged to all his friends, so I asked him._

_Then he got off his chair and I thought it'd be a repeat of Monday, I wished it was…he asked for me to leave before anything else happened._

_So I went, gladly._

* * *

**To: Hermione**

**From: Ginny**

**Re: So…**

How the hell are you going to find another lawyer in a month? Why did you let Malfoy go yesterday? Are you delusional? He might be an arrogant nutcase, but he's the best one out there, arrogant nutcase I mean.

Oh well, I guess Tim will be disappointed, he couldn't wait to see Draco again, we all had a bet and he lost. HA! Now I can rub it in his face…well that's of course after I stuff my face with this creamy, sweet, full-of-fat pasta sauce…mmm just the way I like it.

Gin

* * *

**To: Gin**

**From: Hermione**

**Re: Nice…**

I can hear you drooling from here. You might want to do that somewhere else, we try to look and sound professional here.

It doesn't matter why we've split, I guess I need someone I can trust that's all.

Hermione

* * *

**To: Hermione**

**From: Ginny**

**Re: Ha!**

Or someone you don't want to sleep with.

Gin

* * *

_Jeremy,_

_Are you sure this is what you want to do? You're about to blow you're chance on getting even with my dear cousin and his mudblood broad- well of course that's the worst kept secret of the last century- _

_But if that is what you wish, it is what must be done. Ever since that day I agreed to pretend that I freed you from Azkaban, you've been keeping secret from me! What's the idea of getting the Mudblood involved? And who did in fact help you escape the prison?_

_I need you to be honest with me, but I feel I've been taken advantage of. So it's time to spill._

_Xavier_

* * *

**To: Draco**

**From: Josh**

**Re: Well**

…All good things come to and end, or that's mainly what happens to you: I knew you were cursed.

But I can't help wonder that that's just the reason why you let go, or did she say tata to you?

Oh bloody hell, this stupid muggle Tamagotchi thing keeps buzzing! I'm telling you all it does is shit, eat and put on weight, kinda like us eh?

Great it's done 3 deposits, can't they clean themselves? Lazy…whatever they are… oh now it's happy look at it jump around.

I tell you now, I wouldn't mind if someone cleaned my ass once in a while…why did Mary buy Ashley this?

Josh

* * *

_Draco,_

_Please contact me immediately; we have an abrupt issue ensuring the future of this case._

_Floo me, if you must._

_Regards_

_Xavier_

* * *

**To: Josh**

**From: Draco**

**Re: I think….**

She brought it for you actually. You seem more attached to it than you're daughters :P

I mean, at least you clean the alien, I guess you're kids are another story.

Anyways, it looks like we're saved. Xavier wants to meet up with me about this case, I can't wait to see his face when I tell him it's over

Draco

* * *

**To: Draco**

**From: Josh**

**Re: oh?**

…and here I thought it was you who took up the case just to beat Xavier at his own game?

Interesting.

As for the Tamagotchi comment, at least you can't smell the creatures crap, Ashley and Jasmine's on the other hand, is _alien_.

Josh

* * *

**To: Ginny**

**From: Hermione**

**Re: Guess what!**

Malfoy, the idiot, just flooed into my house (I don't know how he got past my security, anyways that's for another instalment) scared the life out of me, but brought me the most interesting news (he finally got it out after I scolded him, he then put the silence spell on me, git) but I cant help but feel it's slightly suspicious…

Jonks has dropped the charges!

But why…?

Hermione

* * *


	12. Suspicions, nuts and a stupid ending

You're going to all kill me. No seriously, I can see the Grim Reaper in my cupboard ready with his hook of death, awaiting your orders.

I was going to wait until I finished the story to mention it, but since it's almost a chapter away, the story has been RE-MASTERED.

It wouldn't have to have been, had I planned it better, alas, organisation isn't one of my strong points.

This means certain aspects of the story have changed: merged chapters, extra bits and the development of new characters from earlier on.

But I've made it slightly easier and given you a list of the chapters that have been altered, NOT CHANGED:

Most of the earlier shorter chapters have been merged

New letters by Shane and Jeremy have been added on chapters: 2, 3, 6, 7, 10, 11

But I'm sure you'll understand it even if you read this chapter first and go back to the others.

I apologise like ten-fold, especially to the loyal ones. I've been a terrible updater and you readers should throttle me.

To the review who commented on my apostrophise, I seriously didn't mind. I appreciate constructive criticism and I've tried doubly hard to correct my mistakes! So thanks.

And to all the others that have reviewed, I am very grateful and grateful! I hope this chapter suffices for my bad updating.

So, so very bloody sorry!

Next one should be up in a week or two.

* * *

**Chapter TWELVE: ****Suspicions, Nuts and a Stupid Ending**

**Tuesday 24/7- Thursday 26/7**

* * *

_Shane,_

_You're really pushing the line you know that. I don't think we can do it. I've had enough. I've dropped the charges, and you're getting too ahead of yourself._

_Just like your father and he died, I'd watch it if I were you._

_The deals off, I'm playing too many people here: you, Malfoy, Xavier and the Mudblood. NO more._

_Maybe you should stop it too. I'd hate to give you in. I just don't see why you're getting revenge on the Mudblood for helping murder Voldemort, he did kill you're family after all._

_Jonkson_

* * *

__

**To: Hermione **

**From: Ginny**

**Re: Nuts**

While I was walking to work today (I happened to find some new restaurants and men I would like to check out) I casually picked up an issue of Good Morning London, and was flicking through it, we should like SO steal some of their ideas, and I didn't find anything by Aneen. Nothing, zilch, zip nada nothing.

I even bought the newspaper so check it out thoroughly. It's probably her day off right? Maybe something is wrong? Have you ever seen her not working?

Strange.

Gin

P.S. You should read what their Food Critic writes. BORING. He's talking about the risks cashews and peanuts have to allergy sufferers. I can't believe he beat me last year at the reward thing…Nuts… puhlease.

* * *

**To: Ginny**

**From: Hermione**

**Re: Are…**

…you sure you're not going nuts?

She's probably sick or maybe she writes on the weekends…or maybe…do you think Jonks has paid her a visit? God Ginny!

Let's go see her in our lunch break. We'll floo over!

* * *

**To: Hermione**

**From: Gin**

**Re: Now**

Who's going nuts?

Okay. But can we not stay for long I want to try the new restaurant I walked past.

_Gin_

* * *

**Diary of Shane Nigen**

_I can't believe it; the idiot actually dropped the charges. I can't believe he did it and gave me cheek, the ungrateful asshole._

_I sometimes laugh at what we were doing; how immature it was, how the craving of revenge is so sweet to a sour mouth._

_It's not a big deal, we weren't breaking any laws going through the Muggle system, I don't get why he did it. I so wanted to use an Unforgivable, to yet again speak its name as I did to the traitor Snape._

_But now I can't…or can I…yes…yes I can and get back at all three of them; Jonks, Malfoy and Granger._

_Brilliant._

* * *

**To: Hermione; Ginny**

**From: Sharmayne**

**Re: Aneen**

Darlings, I accidentally overheard what you two were gossiping about and at first I found it quite strange, you know about the whole Aneen thing about how she hasn't written anything in her columns (I bought in a copy of GML in the office just to get Carl riled up, it was a success mind you) and I couldn't find anything.

So I did a little snooping of my own and it turns out as few days after she got there, she hastily (imagine a fat man chasing a juicy seasoned running pig, I tell you it can be quite fast) LEFT. She QUIT. Just like that. As if Schwartz crystals were selling 5c a pop!

I thought I'd let you two know, I also tried contacting her a few times and she never picked up. Oh, our precious dear, I hope she's alright!

Tata darlings,

Sharmayne

XOXOXOXOX

* * *

**To: Hermione**

**From: Gin**

**Re: Aneen**

"Accidentally overheard" that's a classic.

If she's not at work or at home, where could she be? Holidays perhaps? I knew we should've blown her door down.

Gin

P.S. That waiter was like so totally hot, like oh my god.

* * *

**To: Gin**

**From: Herm**

**Re: The waiter**

My god, are you trying to impersonate those teenagers eying out the waiter? I wanted to barf, but the food was too yummy!

I'm worried; she would've told someone right? If she is going somewhere that is….oh my god, it's all Jonks' fault.

What are we going to do…besides blow down her door- real discreet Gin.

Hermione

* * *

**To: Draco**

**From: Hermione**

**Re: Look**

I know there's no more court case, which is great because I don't have to spend more time with you, but I think Jonks has gone out to get Aneen! I'm worried about her, she's never at work- possibly because she quit her new job two days after she got there, stupid girl- but that's beside the point. We went to her house and nobody answered and well….something's not right.

You were in the Dark league for a while, what's Jonks' story?

Hermione Granger

* * *

**To: Hermione Granger**

**From: Draco**

**Re: Um…**

Granger what makes you think I care? The court case is no more, which is kinda like you and I: NO MORE contact, I was relishing the past few days and then you had to email me; bloody muggle technology.

I don't know what's happening Granger, maybe you should ask my annoying cousin and leave me out of it, got it.

I. Don't. Care.

Tata,

Malfoy.

* * *

**To: Draco**

**From: Hermione**

**Re: Up yours**

You conceited arrogant, barge assed prick.

* * *

**To: Draco **

**From: Josh**

**Re: OOOKAY**

You sound like a kookaburra with diarrhoea, or is that just your laugh?

Josh

* * *

**To: Josh**

**From: Draco**

**Re: Oh**

Shut up.

It's just Granger and her vulgarity, amusing at times.

Draco

* * *

**To: Hermione**

**From: Gin**

**Re: Are you…**

Okay? Actually I wanted to ask your keyboard that, you're pressing hard enough.

I just had a wave of creativity splash on my face: we have to paint these walls.

Maybe we should ask Michaels sister Amy. You know that short blonde annoying one who's always trying to find a fault in everybody? She's an interior designer right?

Haha!

Gin

* * *

**To: Hermione **

**From: Draco**

**Re: lol**

Awe, I'll miss your words full of love and comfort.

Have you tried blowing up her door?

Draco

* * *

_Dear Ms Weasley,_

_This is just a notice informing you that your test results from your visit a few months have arrived and we apologise for the wait. We urge you to visit St Mungoes as soon as possible._

_Thankyou,_

_Dr Lee Jordan_

* * *

**To: Ginny**

**From: Hermione**

**Re: Flies**

Have you noticed the office has a bug infestation? I swear to you there's this little fly thing that keeps stalking me or something. I keep shooing the bastard off, flinging my arms around like an out of control propeller and Ted looks at me and thinks I'm high on bug spray.

Is it just me or have you noticed too?

Herm.

* * *

**To: Hermione **

**From: Ginny**

**Re: Flies**

Ooooooooookkkkkkkay.

That was random: flies?

I think Ted's got the right idea; it wasn't the cheap Aldi brand as it?

Gin

P.S. I've um, got to go somewhere now. Could you let Carl know please, can't explain now, I'll see you tomorrow.

* * *

**To: Draco**

**From: Hermione**

**Re: …**

Instead of blowing it down, how about I blow you up?

I'd hate to waste a tree, but I think the world could do without a moron like you.

Hermione

* * *

**To: Hermione**

**From: Draco**

**Re: Oh**

I'm touched I really am.

I'd like to see you try Granger.

Draco

* * *

**To: Draco**

**From: Hermione**

**Re: is that…**

A challenge?

* * *

**To: Hermione**

**From: Draco**

**Re: Yep**

Sure is.

Come on, surprise me.

* * *

**Diary of Shane Nigen**

_Two more days._

_Just two more days and I'll have her and him too._

_Yep, Malfoy will look for her - even if he doesn't want to admit it, he likes her._

_They emailed each other today, Granger concerned about Aneen, but they wont find her either, she's long gone. _

_Those two are so stupid, and you'd believe it if you read the emails they send each other._

_Their naivety makes me sick._

_Oh well, all the better when they're both gone._

_Jonks too._

**To: Marz**

**From: Josh**

**Re: Hello**

I thought a law firm was supposed to be a quite place were asshole lawyers tried to help moron people who were suing each other for stealing tissues.

Thank god I don't work in that Law firm! Haha!

Hermione just apparated into Draco's office, and I reckon scared the shit of him. I tried to listen in, well I really didn't have to try they were yelling at each other loud enough, and then Draco put a silencing spell on his office, dammit.

Then I tried to poke through the keyhole, and well, could you please book an appointment with the eye specialist?

I'll get back to you as the news unfolds.

Joshua Grey,

MGF Law Firm

Gossip News

…………………………………………………………………………………………

**DIARY OF DRACO MALFOY**

**24/7**

_Women._

_I think that's a self-explanatory introduction. The theory that you can't live with them and without them needs to be crucially altered and quick; because I tell you now, I sure as shit could live without a curly brunette at the moment._

_So I challenged her to a battle of the wits through the safe translation of emails, and she scares the shit out of me, automatically adding a physical appeal to the whole situation ( though I wouldn't have minded it horizontally, I don't think an office desk with an idiot peeping through the keyhole is very romantic)._

_Granger, miss Know-it-All or wants-to-know-it-all-and-will-drag-you-into-it-too, came to me of all people, apparated in mind you, about a missing friend of hers; who is probably out having a rendezvous or shagging someone senseless._

_She's concerned because her friend, Aneen, has lost complete touch with the world, and Granger thinks it's all Jonks' fault. Typical woman blaming a man, you don't see THAT everyday._

_And mate, I'm kicking myself. But she was just going on and on giving me all her reasons about why she thinks she's been kidnapped blah blah blah, I had to give in._

_No seriously, I HAD to, just to shut the little witch up._

_So I agreed to help her out, on the condition she doesn't annoy me anymore and after we solve this issue she leaves me alone forever. _

_She smiled and threw herself on me, no not in that way you sick thing, she hugged me. I don't think she even realised what she did, and had it not been for my impeccable strength and hours of working out, I would've fallen over and she on top of me._

_Dammit._

_So I'm seeing her tomorrow._

_Women_

* * *

**DIARY OF HERMIONE GRANGER**

**24/7**

_Oh my good God._

_I jumped-hugged Malfoy._

_Oh shit_

* * *

**Wednesday 25/7**

* * *

**To: Gin**

**From: Hermione**

**Re: Hey**

Hey Gin,

Are you okay? You left pretty quickly yesterday and well it's nearly lunchtime and you haven't shown up for work yet. I'm worried about you.

Anyways, Ted, Draco and I are going out to lunch today, don't ask how I dragged Draco into this whole Aneen thing, but let me tell you it involved a jump-hug.

I can still feel his muscles on me.

Hermione

* * *

**To: Hermione**

**From: Ted**

**Re: My God**

What a sweetie you have tucked away under your little arm, missy. I mean I know I saw him a while back, but I think he's been working out.

I'd like to take a chunk of that sink into my teeth.

Oh don't worry sugar, he's all yours.

Did something happen between you two lately? Because I've never seen your cheeks so red in my life. Well actually, unless you count that time when the air-conditioned stuffed up, and it was over 38 degrees and you ate chilli….

Classic.

Well darl, I know you're in a rush so I'll leave you two up to the task of finding our little Aneen.

Mwa,

Ted

* * *

**To: Josh**

**From: Draco**

**Re: HELP**

I know it's late, but I'm in a dilemma!

You know Amy, that chick you set me up with? Well she emailed me a while back wanting to know if I wanted to get together again- fat freggin chance- and well I bumped into her today while I was with Granger coming back from that Aneen chick's apartment.

We were both surprised to see each other since it was as if we went off the face of the earth- I wish she had- I didn't want to contact the nut job. So anyway we bump into each other and it was uncomfortable at first. It didn't help that Granger and I were bickering about what pot plant would suit a house we were walking past (I said green was the best, she red: typical Gryffindor) Amy just stops us and says hello.

Hello.

I hate that word, it's so fake.

Turns out she knows Hermione too. Granger went out with Amy's older brother Michael, who Hermione later informs me has a giant head. The awkwardness was HUGE.

Hermione stands back, as much as I would let her: I needed support dammit, and was watching us with amusement. Amy asks why I didn't contact her back, and I made up some mumbo jumbo that I was out of the country and that my computer went down, I don't know, and Granger is just standing there next to me trying not to piss herself laughing. She hates Amy too, but had a ball at my expense.

So I got back at her and told Amy I had a girlfriend and that it was Granger. Yep, that shut her up and I started laughing- silently. You should've seen hr face when I pulled her near me and put my hands around her waist: priceless.

Amy believed the story and said, oh. Just oh. Partly because I kissed the top of Granger's head for reassurance. We both tried not to cringe and laugh as Amy signalled over her lover boy so she wasn't the oddball of the trio: too late if you ask me.

The whole situation was ridiculous to be honest with you, and it didn't help we were standing outside a plant shop.

Then Amy starts getting aggressive, assuming we were laughing at her (well we were) and calls Granger a bitch and that she wasn't good enough for her brother. Hermione got back at her and Amy shut up, her final words: you two both deserve each other. She then stormed off and I was smirking just waiting for Hermione to blow up.

She did at first, mind you the whole street heard, then saw the plant shop next to us and rolled her eyes, and then started talking about how the red pot would've suited the house better.

That woman's mind drain me for god's sake. One minute she's pretending we're going out, all sweet, next she's insulting me and then starts talking about pots.

Pots.

So anyway we're walking back to my car when we see my moronic cousin, and we all know who that is, acting rather suspicious and Granger gets curious. My god she almost killed me.

So anyways, she grabs my arm and tugs me across the road trying to follow Xavier, unaware of the speeding car coming our bloody way and almost kills both of us, hadn't I used my Seeker reflexes and grabbed her throwing us away from the moving vehicle. Did I mention it was a semi trailer?

Luckily no one was out so no one was the nutcase and her victim almost crushed by a demon of the road, and neither did Xavier: he must've been in deep concentration, bastard. So anyways, like the gentleman I am, I hit the road first, painfully mind you, and she falls on top of me and there goes all my breath.

It takes hr a while to get off me, not that I would've minded her on me, but I couldn't breathe; and well breathing is an essential part in…life :P

Yarda yarda, so anyway she gets off me and drags me up- like nothing happened (but she was so blushing- so she is a woman) and follows Xavier into Diagon Alley.

Which is where I am now, sharing a room with Granger and we are fighting over the only bed in the room. I wouldn't mind sharing it is a king size, but Granger thinks otherwise.

I would've been home and snug in my bed, but no, some mad woman downstairs had to cause a ruckus and close down the pub that I am now in. no one can get out, personally I think it's a scam to fill up the beds, but hey who am I to accuse such a deed. Pft!

Xavier is in here somewhere and Granger is out looking for him, good luck to her.

Oh wait a minute; she's back…and red as a tomato

Oh my god!

She saw him with Pansy and Percy Weasley…

LMAO!

Oh shit...

* * *

**To: Draco**

**From: Josh**

**Re: OH COME ON**

Don't leave me hanging!

-Oh shut up Josh, look what you're making me write-

So you're with Hermione eh? How romantic! But I tell you now, let her have the bed; just transfigure something into one for you…

Awe, I wish I was in her position…

Oh well it's back to the big stinky spoilt whinger and the kids…

Reply back, even if it's R rated :P

Luv Marz

* * *

**To: Draco **

**From: Josh**

**Re: Women**

Tell me about it. This one here should be feeding the baby and instead is getting her hormone shot from your email.

I'm telling you now, I like Hermione an all, but like most women, she's hooked you up and is reeling you in: now you're in shit.

That or you're going soft.

So hurry and give the details, maybe you should make your move eh? Pretend you're yawning and casually put your arm over her shoulder…

Josh

P.S. Don't listen to Marz, get the bed!

* * *

**To: Draco**

**From: Josh**

**Re: DON'T **

…listen to the idiot.

He tried that move on me and I sneezed all over him. Purposely of course

I say if you wanna make a move, trap her into a corner, block her from moving and snog her senseless. Then casually carry her over to the bed and then...

* * *

**To: Draco**

**From: Josh**

**Re: Um…**

Please excuse my wife. She's been reading too many Jackie Collins books.

I mean it's not as if she's not getting any at home…

Josh

* * *

**To: Draco**

**Fr: Josh**

**Re: Oh my God!**

Does that mean Xavier is bisexual?

Josh

* * *

**Thursday 26/7**

* * *

**To: Hermione Granger hermione. Human Resources vanessa.mcgaughn. Dilatory**

Dear **Hermione Granger,**

This is a notice from the Human Resource division of the _London Post_. We are hereby informing you that according to your supervisor Carl Bronston, you arrived 180 minutes late to work today, resulting in your 3rd tardy exceeding 120 minutes this year, Miss Granger.

We at the London Post do not believe that your tardiness is acceptable and are therefore suggesting you take place in a Staff Assistance program. We understand that your late routine could be a cause of the following:

Drug addiction/overdose

Mental and physical health disorders

Alcohol addiction

Sleep affliction

Libellous brutal consort.

We here at the Human Resources department are only trying to help you Hermione Granger. If your tardiness is of your own lack or organization, we suggest you change your attitude.

As you have exceeded your 50th tardy, we are hereby expelling you from work for three days Miss Granger. This is a serious issue and we are tiring to remind you that you must be on time for work as this is a newspaper office and we serve the public and you Miss Granger are not giving the public what they want.

Sincerely,

Vanessa McGaughn

Human Resource Division

London Post.

* * *

**To: Carl**

**From: Hermione**

**Re: Oh**

This is rubbish.

I cant believe your expelling me for coming in late…

What sort of office is this? How come Vanessa doesn't get expelled when she comes into work an hour late?

This is a stuffed system Carl

* * *

**To: Hermione**

**From: Carl**

**Re: Expulsion**

Well Granger you know the rules of the office:

**If you come into work two hours late and over three times, you're expelled for three days.**

Blah blah, you've broken all sorts of rules, and if I add them up, you shouldn't be working for about 2 years. You're a great writer Hermione, but when it comes to getting to work on time, you suck.

I've been lenient before Hermione, but this time I cant. Don't worry you'll be back on Monday, if you take today off.

Sorry Granger, but it's going on your record…unless you have a really good explanation

Carl

* * *

**To: Malfoy**

**From: Hermione**

**Re: You jackass**

You cost me 3 days off work today you idiot, and now it's going on my file!

Uhg, I was going okay until you came into the picture; I mean sure I got about 60 tardies before, but, ooh!

It's all your fault Malfoy!

* * *

**To: Hermione**

**From: Draco**

**Re: Oh please…**

It was your fault just as much as it was mine, so stop looking for excuses would you.

Oh and by the way, I got an owl from Diagon Alley and they sent me a B-cup red lace push up bra.

Now I've never thought about being a transvestite, but this sexy lacy number might just compel me to do so.

Draco

* * *

**_(Beep)_**

**_Hey you've reached Hermione. Well actually you haven't since I'm not here…but anyway leave your name and number after the tone, and eventually ill reach you! Well that's of course unless your not home, then I'll leave a message for you! Catch up…Oh shut up Hermione…_**

_**(Tone)**_

****

(Sniff) Hey Hermione, it's me Ginny. If you're there please pick up, it's urgent! Okay, well I'll try later…

_**(Beep)**_

**_Hey you've reached Hermione. Well actually you haven't since I'm not here…but anyway leave your name and number after the tone, and eventually ill reach you! Well that's of course unless your not home, then I'll leave a message for you! Catch up…Oh shut up Hermione…_**

_**(Tone)**_

****

Okay well, now I'm worried about you. I heard you got a warning from work today, just think, one more of them and you're out! No! Anyways, I'll try again, but I need to urgently talk to you!

* * *

**To: Draco**

**From: Josh**

**Re: So**

I happened to notice you came into work late today, 3 hours just about.

Did you have too much fun last night eh?

So what did you find out about that chick?

Josh

P.S. Um, what the hell are you doing with a red bra? And don't use the excuse that they're ear muffs. I tried that once and the girlfriend found out: I couldn't hear for a week.

* * *

**To: Josh **

**From: Draco**

**Re: Ear muffs**

Only you would be that stupid.

We found nothing at the girl's house; it was as if she never lived there. Dust covered everything and there was nothing in the sink. For a small looking house it was certainly huge inside, very medieval too. The thing that I remember most is of this painting right at the very end of a long corridor (yes a corridor in an apartment) it was of a man, dressed in all black with a hood on his head, and there was people in the background; some were killing and others dead. There were flashes of green everywhere and…the man had a missing eye; very insightful eh?

Granger said it reminded her of a character in a book that she was scared of when she was a kid. Don't ask me where the Gryffindor came from. But I'm beginning to believe Granger, maybe that girl is with Jonks, or some one else. Oh how I love a mystery!

Draco

* * *

**JOURNAL OF HERMIONE GRANGER**

**Thursday 9.30pm**

_It all started yesterday when we went to search Aneen's apartment. We got there and couldn't get into the house, we tried knocking, kicking etc but it didn't work. _

_So we ended up blowing the door down._

_Malfoy was pleased, but I could've hexed him one._

_We searched around for clues but found nothing except a strange painting that reminded me of a creature that I had seen somewhere before: mind you it was a horror to look at, so I don't think I'd recognise it soon._

_To cut a long story short, we left the place with nothing but a blown up door, which I got Malfoy to fix. As we were making out way to the car, I saw Xavier looking very agitated so I decided to follow I'm, though I had to drag Malfoy along literally: of course, in the end it was him who look lead, after I almost killed both of us._

_So we followed him to Diagon Alley, where an unusually large crowd was gathered in the pub. It turned out there was a security breach about a supposed female muggle almost broke into the wizard world; therefore the gateway was closed as was the pub._

_This un-bloody-fortunate turn of events caused quite a stir between Malfoy and I, and we got into a bitter argument about what we were going to do next. I would've turned and left him had I not spotted the feral senior Malfoy sneak upstairs quite suspiciously and into the dark._

_So I covered his mouth with my hand and told him to get a room, preferably with two beds( however I was pissed when the news that a single room with a double bed was available) and that I was going to follow Xavier._

_I don't know why I assumed that he would know where Aneen was, but the secrecy between him and Jonks was just too juicy to leave whole. And so I followed him up the rugged stairs of the pub and down the treacherous halls of magic._

_Until I stumbled upon a door that Malfoy went into (I hate using this formal language so ill cut the crap) the door was locked, der, but as it turned out, the room had an uncanny amount of protection spells on it. I undid them all and put an invisibility charm on myself and stepped in._

_So after about five minutes searching the apartment, I yet again came to a door but could hear nothing from it: silencing spell, wow, just like magic!_

_I carefully opened the door and almost died at what I saw. _

_Family traitor Percy Weasley, Pansy Parkinson and Xavier Malfoy in well quite a show: literally, they were filming it all._

_They were all in black leather, whips and all. The boys were in handcuffs on the bed and Pansy was well whipping them before she was…it was hilarious._

_And then it started to get raunchy, and I felt dirty in the room; offcourse I was trying not to piss myself with laughter. But the dirty talk was the best, I like it hot and wet like a tap on heat._

_How corny!_

_Anyways, I was so shocked I accidentally knocked down a quill from the table; but for my luck something so insignificant made a large bang and I was almost exposed. _

_I managed to get out just in time before the trio caught me in the door. I was about to take the spell off when Xavier ran out of the room, fully clothed, and was cursing about how he was going to kill the person, blabla._

_He was giving chase even though he couldn't see me and I felt vulnerable. Malfoy was coming from a dorm and I ran into him, pushing him into the room too. But before we both fell in, he turned to Xavier who was running toward us and yelled out: Looking a bit flushed? Pansy giving you the works eh?_

_If only he knew! Ha!_

_Malfoy knew I was the invisible figure: it's your smell Granger, it bloody sticks. Awe, how sweet it would've been had he not had a scowl on his face. Though that was probably because yet again for the second time, I fell on him._

_So I told him about what I saw, and he cacked himself and I suppose emailed Josh about it later. Then I saw the single bed in the room and groaned. Naturally we fought over the bed and in the end decided that we would both sleep in it, as mature adults and put a barrier in the middle. It would've been a fair idea had we actually slept on the bed, instead of in a closet._

_You see, after we argued yet again, realisation hit: Draco first dammit, that if they were taping it, it would've caught me on it too, bloody wizard technology. We both agreed it would go too well, even if fate was on our side; so we decided to retrieve the tape._

_Surprisingly enough Malfoy agreed to come with me, probably to witness the pure horror on his cousin's face, and we made our way back to their unit, painfully close underneath Draco's invisibility cloak ( we also put on several charms that would wide us, our scents and anything else so nobody would know we were there. Most of it was Draco's dark magic, but at the time I really could not have given a damn)_

_We broke in to find Percy gone, Pansy whining and Xavier at boiling point watching the dirty tape- there was no man on man action just if you were wondering- I felt Draco laugh as he was watching the tape then suddenly stop as he saw y shadowed figure on the screen. It seems so did Xavier, who then paused the tape trying to decipher the code._

_Draco tensed and bent down to whisper in my ear, "you weer right in there weren't you?"_

_It sent shivers down my back, as the feel of his warm breath touched my frozen body. He the said, "you keep the cloak, I'm going to make a distraction so that you can get the tape and then make a run for it, ok?"_

_Before I could answer he was gone and I was scared that he would be seen. Luckily the dark magic worked and I went on my way toward the screen. I saw closets opening and all their dominatrix equipment fall out and Xavier mad launch himself at the draws. It was my chance to get the tape and run, as I got the tape I made my way hurriedly towards the door, but had a little trouble as Pansy was on my tail. She was quick to realise there was two extra in the room and she was raging mad. _

_She ended up knocking me down and the tape went flying. But before I could get up and retrieve it, a green shot hurdled toward it and it burst into flames: Draco! I felt a hand reach for me and lift me up and I was almost scared it was Pansy or Xavier. But I couldn't see them so I knew it was Malfoy._

_He dragged me up and we ran out of the front door, breaths panting. The two pornos followed us through and we were trapped in the corridor, Xavier putting a shield across the doors and stairs trapping anyone going in or out: shit. _

_We stood side by side, my hands gripping on Malfoy's for dear life as the two came closer to us: they would've found us, had Draco not bailed us out._

"_Do you trust me Granger?" he asked. Heck I was trying to keep my thumping heart from jumping pout of my skin, how could I respond? "Do you?"_

_I just nodded and I knew from the cool look in his eyes that he was just about to use dark magic…again. His hands wove around me and he told me to do the same. We stood there for a while and I thought this was just a joke to get me close to him, he told me to shut up and in an instant we were out of the corridor and in a small dark room._

_I screamed as I felt something rub against my face only to have Draco's hand clamp over my mouth. He cast Lumos and it hit that we were trapped in a tiny room in the closet; the clothes were touching my face._

"_Oh great, this is what happens when I say I trust you huh?"_

"_Oh shut up Granger, I thought at least we would be in our room."_

"_What do you mean at least? Now what are we going to do?"_

_This conversation lasted about ten minutes before we herd voices from outside the closet._

"_Now what? So the tape's destroyed, there are two people who know what we do! Oh no, my career!"_

"_Shut up Pansy, stuff your bloody career; what about my reputation as a Malfoy? What about my inheritance! My god how can you be so selfish?"_

_Draco and I sniggered as we heard the lovebird conversation and almost spewed when we heard them making out and…_

_How horny could two people be? Did the thought of getting caught excite them into more madness? Draco was making faces to match the sounds they were making and I tried hard not to laugh as well as keep my hands over my ears._

"_Shut them up would you?"_

"_Granger would you like me to step out casually and say hey, would you mind keeping it down, we're trying not to barf in your closet?"_

"_No idiot, use your wand!"_

_So we fought over the wand, Draco wasn't trying as hard as I was and was relishing the strength he had over me. So for the third time that night I knocked him down and stole the wand from his hands. Of course there were many more conventional ways to get it off him, but personally I liked the touch._

"_The only silencing spell we'll need to put on is one for this closet"_

_I almost died- thank god I didn't. He flipped us over- I don't know how he did it in such a small area- and well, use your imagination. Thankfully I heard him mumble Silencio against my lips, so no one would hear._

_Nothing happened though, just kissing over a long period of time. But I tell you now; I was tempted to just rip off that shirt and…_

_Oh I'm just kidding, at least that's what I keep telling myself._

_I don't know what's happening between us, but it's getting beyond ridiculous. I'm too afraid to ask him; because I'm not sure how he feels about us muggleborns and pur past isn't very comforting…_

_It's no surprise I like him, but..._

_So anyways, we fell asleep in the closet and managed to make our way back to our room, no words spoken. I had a shower and heard Malfoy come into the bathroom, eyes closed "privacy granger, I'm sure you want it right?" the smartass said, and I got changed in a furry partly because he was so calm about the whole situation._

_I forgot to put on my bra as I saw the time 11:30! And figured I didn't need one since my top had one in it. But before I left, I had to explain pleasantries with my, ahem, beloved and left it on a sour note._

"_So now what do we do Malfoy?"_

"_What do you mean Granger? We go to bloody work that's what!"_

"_You know what I mean…"_

"_We do nothing alright? Nothing happened, we just pashed that's it! Now where are my bloody socks…?"_

_The arrogant asshole! I stormed out, and FORGOT to mention that I purposely transfigured them into pillows. If he's as smart as he claims them I'm sure he'll figure it out…_

_And it seems he did, he told me as I went by his office to retrieve my missing red bra; and he wasn't too impressed. I just smiled and apparated away._

_I should probably now call Ginny, she was so eager to tell me something, but I thought I'd be selfish at first and clam my nerves…_

_Oh wel...ahhhh---------------_

* * *

_**(Beep)**_

**_Hey you've reached Hermione. Well actually you haven't since I'm not here…but anyway leave your name and number after the tone, and eventually I'll reach you! Well that's of course unless your not home, then I'll leave a message for you! Catch up…Oh shut up Hermione…_**

_**(Tone)**_

****

Okay Hermione it's ten o'clock, ten hours after I called you and you're still not home. Shit where are you! Oh well, I have to tell you before I burst, (sniff) a few days ago when I left work I had to go to St. Mungoes. You see that time when you bumped into Malfoy; I didn't have a stomach ulcer…

_**(Tone)**_

* * *

****

****

****

**DIARY OF:**

_It's done. One down and dead, one trapped and the other is sent on a joy ride. It's easier than I anticipated, but they won't find out and they'll all be dead by the time they do._

_It's closer than I thought._

* * *

_**(Beep)**_

**_Hey you've reached Hermione. Well actually you haven't since I'm not here…but anyway leave your name and number after the tone, and eventually I'll reach you! Well that's of course unless your not home, then I'll leave a message for you! Catch up…Oh shut up Hermione…_**

_**(Tone)**_

****

Stupid thing hung up on me. Well you see Hermione; they tested it for cancer or a stone and well… (Sniff) I don't know how to say this but……………………………………………………………………………………………..………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….. I'm pregnant Hermione.

* * *

**SouredSweetie**


	13. Manure, Murders and David's garden hose

See I updated in two weeks, I think it's a record!

Okay, this is the second last chapter and if you want the next one up, I want reviews. I've had 2000 hits to this story, and 100 reviews doesn't justify the 4 digit number I'm receiving on here, so start reviewing!

NO JOKE.

Anyways, before I continue I just want to comment on all the reviews relating to Customer Service.

I haven't read all of it as of yet, but it is so far a good fun read. The fact that our stories are similar is because they have been inspired by **Meg Cabot's** books, as we have both clearly stated.

To those that assume my story was a copy of Customer Service, check out the publishing dates; JADATO: 2004 and CS: 2005.

I am not suggesting that Customer Service was a copy of mine, because if you read the Authors notes it does say Just another Day at the Office was somewhat a stimulation to have an email-based story, but it was **Meg Cabot** books for both of us, that were the starting point for these stories.

For those who haven't checked Customer Service yet, do so, it's a good read.

For those that have reviewed thank you so much! I want to know what you think will/should happen, and it's amusing (yet frightening) to see that some of you have guessed it already: DAMMIT:D

**Final chapter will be updated depending on the amount of reviews I get.**

And now, onward to whatever this chapter is called, because I seriously can't remember…

Ah yes…Manure, Murders and David's garden hose

Just think about it.

And no, David's Garden hose did not get murdered after he shit everywhere, you freaks.

* * *

**Chapter THIRTEEN: ****Manure, Murders and David's garden hose**

**Friday/Saturday**

* * *

**Friday 27/7**

* * *

**To: Herm**

**From: Draco**

**Re: socks**

Listen Granger, you can't keep ignoring me- it takes two to tango, and it was your fault as much as it was mine…

Draco

P.S. Um, back to the sock thing, I can't get all the feathers out of them. You know how pillows have feathers and you transfigured my socks into pillows? You owe me new socks.

* * *

**DIARY OF HERMIONE GRANGER**

**(DATE?)**

_Ouch, my head…it's killing me…_

_I feel like there are a million nails digging into my head…all being manoeuvred by gorgeous muscly men in singlets, sweating …ooh I just forgot my headache for a moment…_

_It must be the drugs…NOT that I'm taking any but well under the current circumstances, I'm running out of ideas…_

_(You know what I can't believe! I've been bloody drugged and the first thing I do is write in my journal…what the hell is wrong with me!)_

_Wait a tick…where the hell am I? _

_Oh my God! I can't get out…there's no doors, windows…I'm trapped!_

_I've got to get out of here! Help, somebody!_

_MALFOY!_

_(Why am I calling Malfoy…?)_

_Why am I still writing in this stupid book!_

_Oh wait a minute the door IS opening- Horrah there is a door…!_

_Oh my dear good Merlin…_

* * *

__

_**(Tone)**_

**_Hey you've reached Hermione. Well actually you haven't since I'm not here…but anyway leave your name and number after the tone, and eventually I'll reach you! Well that's of course unless you're not home, then I'll leave a message for you! Catch up…Oh shut up Hermione…_**

_**(Beep)**_

****

Hello Hermione darling it's Sharmayne, where are you? Oh that's right, you got suspended, I'm sorry to hear about that sweetie, maybe we should all go on strike. Carl's throwing a spaz because you're not here, even though he told you to go… his head is actually going red, it's funny how much he and Michael resemble one another- it would be amusing if it wasn't so terrifying. Anyway, we miss you here darling. Especially Ted and I, we haven't got the latest gossip! Tata darling, Mwa!

* * *

**To: Hermione**

**From: Carl**

**Re: okay Granger…**

I know we suspended you, but we don't have an article for tomorrow from you! I don't care if you've been abducted or if you've just gone into labour, if I don't have a sheet of paper with some worthless crap on it; your ass is on the line.

Despite the fact you're suspended, you can still work from home.

* * *

**To: Draco****From: Ginny**

**Re: Hermione**

Ok Draco I don't care what happened yesterday- well to be honest I'm intrigued, but I'll probably get more out of you than her- but is Hermione over at your house? Did you two have a wild sex romp yesterday and are still going at it? Because if that's the case, I'll leave you to it with a terrifying image in my head…

But if she's not, do you know where she is? Are you having some meeting or…oh I don't know! I've tried calling, emailing, but she hasn't responded…and she usually does!

If you had anything to do with this Draco, I will hurt you severely. I've got a hormone boost of late…

Ginny

* * *

**To: Gin**

**From: Draco**

**Re: Granger**

What the hell goes in that small red head of yours Weasley?

"A wild sex romp"? Well no, but we were close to it a few days ago.

I have no idea where she is; I've tried contacting her, she owes me new socks…I thought she was with you…

Draco

* * *

**_Hey you've reached Hermione. Well actually you haven't since I'm not here…but anyway leave your name and number after the tone, and eventually I'll reach you_! _Well that's of course unless you're not home, then I'll leave a message for you! Catch up…Oh shut up Hermione…_**

Granger, what the hell is with your stupid Muggle phone thing? What have you smoked? Anyways, if you're there, pick up…any time you're ready…NOW would be nice…ok so you're obviously not there…which leaves the question WHY!

Great now we'll have to go on a major search…I'm a lawyer for god's sake; not some wasted idiot who searches for potentially dead corpses. If I wanted that job I'd become the Grim Reaper…

You had better be dead Granger, because now I HAVE to look for you…

* * *

_(Ring)_

_(Ring)_

"_This had better be important David, or I'll hang up on you again…"_

"_Charming Draco, you're a natural…"_

"_Red? How did you get this number…only Granger…oh wait a minute…"_

"_Listen, I'm over at Hermione's: but she's not here, it's as if she never was! I checked her messages, yours was ahem, pleasant… but there was no sign of anything…but there is something Draco…"_

"_Whoa slow down Red. I lost you at pleasant: no need to be sarcastic"_

"_Just get over here Draco! I don't know if this was the remnant of your meeting with her…"_

"_Alright, I'll floo right over…"_

* * *

**To: Draco**

**From: Josh**

**Re: Thanks…**

A lot for using the buildings fireplace when you flooed. There's so much green powder around to fill up a sumo's knickers. David's blaming me for the mess: 'you and your bloody pranks Grey. Now how are we going to clean up all of this green crap, what is it anyways?'

He whines more than my mother-in-law, it's like I never left home…

Where did you go by the ways?

Josh

* * *

**To: Ginny**

**From: Draco**

**Re: Hermione's house**

Um, Red when you said if "this was the remnant of your meeting with her" in your last email, I thought ok, well since I wasn't up there with her, it shouldn't be anything major, a few books thrown about and her bloody cat on the chair…but I never expected there to be a clean house…

So what was the big deal?

Draco

P.S. Pregnant are you? And let me guess, you're distraught because you don't know who the father is?

* * *

**To: Draco**

**From: Gin**

**Re: Hermione**

I'm worried because of just that: her house is clean!

Yes you heard me…the once perfectionist witch is now a bit of a hippogriff when it comes to cleaning.

There should've been clothes thrown about and cups on the table…but there was nothing…

Might sound stupid to you, but something's not right…

Gin

P.S. yes I am not that it's your business, well not yet anyways…

* * *

**To: Gin**

**From: Draco**

**Re: nothing…**

…sounds right to me these past few days.

We'll leave it for a few hours. And if she doesn't come home, then we'll start the interrogation.

Draco

* * *

**HERMIONE'S JOURNAL**

_Jonks…it's his entire fault. He just showed up from a door in the wall like it was a natural occurrence: walking through the wall that is._

_He just left me here trapped in the stone prison, with bread and cheese to survive on; if this were Ginny, there'd be major problems._

_And he pulled a hair out of my head! He didn't even ask! He just yanked it out the bastard. I was trying to preserve them._

_I asked him about Aneen and told him we were looking for her and knew he had her. He laughed and said: you don't need to worry about her anymore!_

_She's dead! She has got to be! And now, they're preparing me for the chopping board!_

_I'm so scared, what does he want me for? What have I done to him?_

_Well, except fracture his nose…_

* * *

__

**DIARY OF SHANE NIGEN**

_Well we've got her; the Mudblood bitch is hidden away; just where she ought to be._

_I feel dirty keeping her in the house, but a few more days I'll have it all: the money and three heads to stuff and mantel on my wall._

_She said they were looking for Aneen; well I knew that. No doubt Weasley and Malfoy will come to check the premises again and maybe Granger's…_

_Better give them something they asked for._

* * *

__

**To: Draco**

**From: Gin**

**Re: Okay…**

It's almost 7:00 and there's no word from her. This is all too spooky, first Aneen and now Hermione: what sick game is he playing at? Not that I'm jumping to any conclusions that he's got them, but I haven't heard the introductions.

What did you end up finding at Aneen's house? Did you blow the door down? Maybe we should check it out again, you know maybe she came back?

What are we going to do? I'm so worried!

Gin

* * *

**To: Gin**

**From: Draco**

**Re: Bloody hell**

You didn't jump you took a freggin leap.

You women worry too much you know that?

Granger and I checked it out already and there was nothing there. But I guess you won't listen to me, you'll have to act all Gryffindor-like and check it out yourself and I'll never hear the end of it.

Come round my office and we'll check out the Aneen's house again.

Bloody women.

Draco

P.S. Does you father have any idea where Jonks lives, being the Minister and all?

* * *

**To: Draco**

**From: Gin**

**Re: Awe!**

I knew you cared.

I'll get Ted to hack into her computer then I'll bring it over. But I'm wondering if maybe you wanna check it out, see if she's been talking to a guy or something; you know just in case he's invading your territory :P

Oh I'm kidding

Gin

P.S. I'll ask him, but we're talking about a criminal here, they're never in the same place.

* * *

**To: Gin**

**From: Draco**

**Re: Watch…**

…it Weasley.

Draco

* * *

_**(Beep)**_

_**How does this work? Is this bloody thing on? Bloody muggle technology…oh here we are…Yeah this is Draco, I'm not home obviously, so leave a message and go and annoy somebody else….bloody muggles….**_

_**(Tone)**_

****

I'm telling you Draco, change the message, I feel like I'm listening to angry Frankenstein. That Amy girl just came by the office after you left and left a lovely package. Well of course I found out it wasn't as delightful as I thought after I opened it up. She beautifully wrapped, I might say, a whole box of manure, with a side of stink bomb, just to add more flavour.

I have thoroughly sprayed my office with about 10 cans of air freshener and my windows have been permanently bolted open (I yanked off the fly screens, which proved to be an unsuccessful action on my behalf- and it's not just the flies…. The mix of strawberry air freshener and bug spray isn't a stench one would want to smell, believe me)

David says it serves me right for opening up someone else's package. So I tipped the whole box of shit on his desk. Serves HIM right for opening his mouth when no-one asked.

Oh well, call me back after this.

* * *

**DIARY OF DRACO MALFOY**

_I'm sitting in a muggle taxi with the Weaslette next to me and we are heading to Granger's apartment to check it out. We've just come from Jonks' ex's place, but I tell you something is weird with that girl. Granger kept saying how innocent, calm and lovely she was; -and yet again she was right- but to me, she looked too calm for somebody living in the Muggle world and…well I basing it all on the eyes. The familiar green eyes, cold and yet holds warmth inside: who knows, maybe I'm basing it on Potter's…_

_Oh Lord, I need a drink or ten…_

_You could imagine the surprise Weaslette and I got when Aneen opened the door; we were partly disappointed when we could blow it down…we could've Alohomora'd it but it isn't as fun as blowing something up._

_She told us she went on holiday to India to see her family, and that was it. She said she didn't want to bore us with the details. Gnish was asking so many questions, we were the ones interrogated instead of her._

_We asked her about Jonks and she put on the waterworks: fake if you ask me- but I'm known as the cold-hearted arrogant self obsessed jerk- but Weaslette had fallen for it. "Oh I'm so scared, he came around last night and threatened me again. "'Come to this place in two days and if you don't'"… 'I don't know what to do.'_

_Blablabla, I had to stop myself from rolling my eyes. Don't get me wrong, she was nice and all; maybe too nice but I didn't go over to be sympathetic, I wanted to blow something up._

_She took us on a tour of her house little knowing I had already seen it- and all the items in her bathroom cupboard, which Granger bolted shut with magic after she caught me snooping, I couldn't re-open them again! She showed us to the kitchen, bedrooms etc, but went straight past the bathroom I noticed, as well as that painting I saw a few days back._

_I stopped to look at it; I couldn't put my finger on it, but there as something different about it. There was still people killing and dieing, I'm sure the numbers were the same, the green flashes of lights were there, though maybe darker; the main creature had on a black cloak, two eyes and a look of evil… I could see nothing had change though something was different._

_Or was it?_

_I asked her about it, she replied she found it at a shop in the poorer side of London and felt a power to it. "I love art, and as you can tell, my house has heaps of art in it. This one tells a story…"_

_I tuned out around that time._

_We're at Granger's now…again_

_And after, I'm off to the pub._

* * *

__

**To: Josh**

**From: Draco**

**Re: Menstruation**

I know you haven't gone through it yet, but I'll give you a taste of it.

Remember I was telling you about the missing Aneen and Hermione, well they've both been found. It seems one of them went to see her parents and the other to India to see her family.

Granger got very touchy when I asked why she went, maybe because she was still mad at me from a few days ago, but I don't know why, I mean wouldn't any woman want to have a pash-a-thon with yours truly?

I sound like Felnof now, kill me, or bury me: if you're still in that suicidal phase; either way I'm planning to cark it.

I've known Granger for a long time Josh and unless she had a huge personality change, she was acting very different. She didn't snap back at me when I provoked her and didn't ask me any questions: Hermione ALWAYS asks me something, she never shuts up.

When we left Weaslette was a little worried too, but used the excuse (now wait for it) that Granger's _Aunt Flow_ was visiting and her personality usually changes big time.

Load of piss-frog if you ask me, I'll just go and annoy her tomorrow then.

* * *

**To: Draco**

**From: Josh**

**Re: not right…**

I'll tell you what's not right, a three year old beating her father at Monopoly. Yeah you heard me MONOPOLY! I knew I should've bought George Street when I had the chance…

You seem a little uneasy, you can't be serious that it wasn't her; I mean unless somebody kidnapped her and happened to look just like her right.

And who changes just because their relative comes to visit?

...oh wait a minute, I KNOW the feeling…

Josh

P.S. Where are you? I know you're not at home I tried calling.

* * *

**To: Josh **

**From: Draco **

**Re: You idiot…**

Aunt Flow is not her relative you moron. It means PERIODS; you know what women go through once a month and the beast within unleashes its wrath!

Aunt Flow, figure it out.

Draco

* * *

**To: Draco**

**From: Josh**

**Re: Aunt Flow**

Then my mother-in-law had been going through it for the past 150 years.

* * *

**To: Sue and John**

**From: Gin**

**Re: Hey**

Hello, how are you?

I just want to keep this quick and short, but did Hermione come and visit you for a few days? I don't mean to pry but she seems a bit distant lately and I was wondering if you knew why.

Thanks so much, love to all

Ginny

* * *

**_Hey you've reached Hermione. Well actually you haven't since I'm not here…but anyway leave your name and number after the tone, and eventually I'll reach you_! _Well that's of course unless your not home, then I'll leave a message for you! Catch up…Oh shut up Hermione…_**

****

Hello Hermione dear, it's Mummy just calling to see how you are – John don't put your dirty fingers in that Bolognese, who knows whose mouth they've been in- anyway, call me back when you get the message. I've tried contacting you for a while but you haven't been home…

Oh cut that out John, Bye dear…JOHN!

* * *

**To: Gin**

**From: Sue and John**

**Re: Hermione**

Hello dear,

Hermione hasn't seen us in a few months; did she tell you she came to visit us? I wonder why, oh you don't think she is in trouble do you?

I called her just after dinner but she wasn't home, she hasn't been in a while actually.

Oh I hope everything's alright Gin, call me as soon as you get a hold of her.

Love,

Sue

* * *

_(Ring)_

"_What?"_

"_Hey Hermione it's Ginny."_

"_Oh, hey."_

"_Is something wrong? You sound different."_

"_I'm fine Ginny, just a bit tired you know."_

"_Oh okay. I was just wondering how you're settling in you know."_

"_I'm fine. You just saw me half and hour ago..."_

"_Okay, no need to sound so…"_

"_So what? Look I'm busy and I have to go…"_

_(Beep)_

_(Beep)_

* * *

_Malfoy,_

_I've got her and I will get my revenge._

_If you want a chance to see her again, put 1 000 000 galleons in account 290705 at Gringotts by Sunday._

_When it's there I'll give you the next step._

_Jonks_

* * *

__

_Weaslette,_

_I don't care where this owl finds you:_

_Get your ass over my house right now._

_Draco_

* * *

**Saturday 28/7**

* * *

_Dear Ginny,_

_You're pregnant? And you didn't tell your own mother! I had to find out from Ron who let it slip, who heard it from your father, who got it from Bill, who manipulated Charlie into saying it, who got it from the TWINS WHO WENT THROUGH LEE'S MEDICAL FILES AND FOUND IT!_

_Oh I'm going to be a grandmother again, how wonderful! Do you know if it's a boy or a girl? Oh, I can start knitting some more booties, for both you and Luna._

_Just one problem dear, who's the father? Oh no, you're not sleeping around are you? Not my little girl! Is it that muggle David's or maybe Harry's or…oh Ginny!_

_Come over tomorrow, I want to see my little girl! All you brothers will be over, and bring Hermione too!_

_Love Mummy_

* * *

__

**DIARY OF SHANE NIGEN**

_Tomorrow's the day._

_I've waited years for this day, my 24th birthday and Malfoy's 27th; but only one of us will have time to celebrate it._

_And it will be me, Malfoy won't figure it out._

_He'll be too busy cleaning up the mess._

**

* * *

To: Draco**

**From: Josh **

**Re: Oh**

When you told me to come over I thought it was about the present; thank god it wasn't because I really didn't want to carry it over to your house: the smell is seriously mutant.

So Jonks has Hermione eh? What's up with that! Maybe we should owl the authorities or something, I know you don't want to do it, but Gin was in hysterics and well, pregnant women aren't the nicest when they're throwing things all over the place.

…not that she could've added to the mess Jonks left your house in.

What are we going to do?

Josh

* * *

**To: Draco**

**From: Gin**

**Re: OH MY…**

Oh my God…Oh my God!

I knew he had her! I told you I wasn't leaping into anything; I knew it from the start!

Oh poor Hermione what are we going to do?

Didn't we just see her yesterday though? Maybe that's why she had to get off the phone quickly when I rang her, Jonks was there!

Oh the trauma!

We should call the Aurors Draco, please!

Gin

P.S. My father couldn't get the address; the last record shows he fled the country…

* * *

_Xavier,_

_I don't care for questions just answer mine and we'll be done._

_Where the hell does Jonks live?_

_Draco_

* * *

**To: Josh; Gin**

**From: Draco**

**Re: This is what we're going to do…**

First I'm going to call a cleaner and fix up this shit hole, and then I'm going to call the suicide hotline because when I get my hands on that Scumbag he's going to want to kill himself- but I don't want to encourage him, I'll be glad to kill him…

Then I'm going to send you Weaslette to a psychiatrist because you're going mental on me and I don't need another wacko woman in my life…

Then I'm sending Josh to the showers because your BO is bad. I think that stench has stuck itself onto your body because the O shouldn't follow the B, the O should be off the B when the B has had a shower, and alas the O has stuck and is killing the flies, adding more shit to my house.

Then I'm going to have a drink and buy a rope, which I will then attach to the ceiling and hang myself off like a pendulum. Then as a ghost, I will haunt everybody I don't like and give them massive wedgies and hex them so worms come out of their asses.

Does that answer your question?

Fr: Suicidal

P.S. DO NOT tell anybody about this. Weaslette you get Jonks' address and Josh, have a shower…

* * *

_My dear disturbed cousin,_

_I can not give you that classified information, I have an oath as a lawyer be it Muggle or wizard to defend and protect my clients and their whereabouts._

_Considering your history with the man, I wouldn't be surprised if you wanted to kill him…_

_Xavier_

* * *

__

**To: Gin**

**From: Josh**

**Re: Don't you think…**

...a true friend would take me to the showers first instead of getting the cleaners to fix his house? I tell you now; it's all about him…

We need to find Hermione and quick, he's going nuts without her…come to think of it, it was her that made him like this in the first place.

Well done:)

Josh

* * *

**To: Josh**

**From: Draco**

**Re: The present**

Send it over to me

* * *

_Xavier,_

_I'm sure your clients appreciate the gesture but I don't. Now unless you want to be the one dead, I suggest you give me his address._

_Oh and if you don't, I'll tell our dear Aunt about the little orgy you had during the week._

_Oh yes, I know about it, and I have evidence…_

_Don't worry I'm not going to kill him, although I would really love too, he just owes me some money for a cleaning bill…_

_I'm sure you'll value this gift as a token of my appreciation._

_Your disturbed cousin,_

_Draco_

_P.S. Hurry it up will you…_

* * *

**To: Josh**

**From: Gin**

**Re: Draco**

He's right you know, the O shouldn't stick to the B…I think we've come across an unstoppable force Josh, the alien stench has attached itself to your body and it won't let go…my the Lord be with you.

Gin

* * *

**To: Gin**

**From: Josh**

**Re: At least…**

It's keeping my mother-in-law away from me…

* * *

_Draco,_

_You bastard._

_27 Lars Ave London_

_It's magic you won't find it, it's tucked away…_

_**You won't get away with this…**_

**__**

* * *

**__**

**To: Josh**

**From: Draco**

**Re: Tonight**

I got Jonks' address.

Care to do a little snooping with me Johnny English?

**

* * *

To: Draco**

**From: Josh**

**Re: Snooping**

Well, only if I get to be James Bond.

* * *

**To: Josh**

**From: Draco**

**Re: James Bond**

NO! NOW STOP BEING SO IMMATURE!

I am going to be James Bond…

Didn't we have this conversation before on IM? The James Bond one I mean, not the conversation that you're an idiot.

That fact was known in the Stone Age when you were conceived.

Draco

* * *

**To: Draco**

**From: Josh**

**Re: Are…**

…you insulting my parents?

With the whole Stone Age thing, I mean.

* * *

**To: Josh**

**From: Draco**

**Re: Idiots…**

…And you are one of them.

Come on, let's go now before David gets out of the toilets and makes us work overtime.

Draco

* * *

**To: Draco**

**From: Josh**

**Re: David**

Every time that man goes to the toilets, he's out in like 10 seconds. It's like IT is a freggin garden hose on full force- and they're usually out of control, flicking around like worms on heat.

Seriously, have you ever stood next to him when he's taking a pee? I'd call it a whiz actually, because half a litre of water comes out in like 4 seconds, from the same distance like the rest of us, but the more force.

Josh

* * *

**To: Josh**

**From: Draco**

**Re: That's…**

…Disgusting.

No seriously, what compelled your tiny, tiny little mind to inform me about David's urinating habits?

Do you stand there and calculate his peeing methods? Speed distance on time. We're not calculating velocity here you perverted wee obsessed freak.

Next time you go to the toilet, tell me so we don't end up peeing at the same time.

Draco

* * *

**To: Draco**

**From: Josh**

**Re: Shit!**

I can't believe it, I seriously can't!

I mean the stench it's revolting and it's not helping the fact the presents smell has stuck to both Xavier and I (I can't believe he went!)…and did you see that mark on his forearm? Besides the Dark Mark I mean, that little Skull next to the ugly big one. Doesn't that mean that Death Eater murdered one of his own kind if that's on there? I thought all of them were in Azkaban or dead!

Another mystery for I Johnny English to solve.

I had a deprived childhood, growing up with four sisters and all. All I could ever play with was their hair accessories and wizard dolls- you know the ones that sense if a male is playing with it and then wraps its hair around your body and tires to suffocate you? Yes my parents had a cruel sense of humour…

Josh

* * *

**To: Josh**

**From: Draco**

**Re: Um…**

I'm sorry to hear about your childhood, but just remember who you're talking to hear ok?

I'm lost, I really am.

I've got to pay a huge amount of galleons to a person I don't know to an account I can't access. I haven't slept in two days and I have a day to find Granger, and the prime suspect has gone…

I can't call the authorities because we don't even know if Jonks existed, well the Jonks that we've been associating with anyways…

This is all too freggin weird.

Xavier fled the scene pretty quickly, I mean so would you if you saw what we did…

I've got to fins out whose account it is…

Draco

* * *

**To: Draco**

**From: Gin**

**Re: Jonks**

Was HERMIONE THERE? OH PLEAE TELL ME SHE WAS, PRETTY PLEASE! I'M BEGINNING TO BELIEVE YOU SIDE OF THE STORY THAT SHE WAS REPLACED….

REPLACED!

If I could make these words any bigger I would, the anticipation is getting to me!

So what did you find at his house?

Gin

* * *

**To: Gin **

**From: Draco**

**Re: We found…**

Nothing…

Well unless you count a rotting corpse who officials say has been dead for a week at least…

Jonks is dead.

Oh I know what you're going to say, but we got that letter off him yesterday and (I) Draco saw him…yes Gin, but that doesn't mean it's him. Unless you're forgetting, we live in a world with wizards and witches…nothing is as it seems…

SO we have a dilemma: who sent the message, who killed Jonks and why, how many people are in on the scheme, whose account am I pretending to transfer the money in…oh and where is our little Gryffindor who has cost me countless hours of sleep and is weighing down my POCKETS!

BLOODY HELL, this is why I hate associating with women, you have to drag along with their problems and their shopping…

I have your groceries here Weaslette, 'Man with the Missing Eye' and a whole lot of fly spray. Are you planning to go camping and read?

Draco

* * *

_Shane,_

_Malfoy has gone to breaking point, I don't think he'll be a threat to us anymore._

_We get the money and run remember my plan; if only Jonks actually went through with it, he wouldn't be a rotting corpse right now; it has been successful until now._

_They found about him, Jonks I mean. Hopefully the guard I put on the vault just now will hold, no doubt Malfoy will be looking there soon._

_We haven't the time to stall, so leave the Mudblood where she is, let her rot too, and if they find her, we'll get her next time._

_Tomorrow at 12:00 the money will be in and then we'll be out._

_I'll come see you later tonight to discuss the intricate details._

* * *

__

**DIARY OF DRACO MALFOY**

_This is getting too freggin' weird and not just Josh's pee obsessions. It's like one of those shitty story lines on the Muggle Bold and the Beautiful, except its real life. Jonks is dead and Medi wizards say he was killed earlier in the week, and yet I saw him last night after he trashed my house. _

_Right now I'm going through a couple of emails Hermione's sent and received, I don't know how this is relevant, but I think she owes me one. I just went through some newspaper copies the Weaslette sent, it seems they had their suspicions about Jonks too; not that I'm reading these, just skimming…_

_Good Lord, the Lady and the Tramp both like me…the Lady: Ted and the Tramp: Sharmayne…I told Granger my joke once and the punched me…ha, it was worth it…_

_Bloody Weasley hasn't come around to pick up her shopping that she left here when I called her over…all that fly spray: it's for the office, she said, there's been this fly that keeps annoying me and I can't kill it…_

_I guess she thinks four cans can…_

_And this bloody book, it's cramping my style. I haven't got a book in my house and this one has ruined the tradition, she had better come quick…I have to know if she got access to the account…_

_Uhg, I can't stand this anymore, that book is killing me…its like a nagging wife, the sound irritable and yet soothing at the same time…I'm going to go check the it out, the pull it has toward me is almost magic…ha, as if!_

_It's not like there's anything interesting in these emails anyway: ok, I lied…_

_OH MY GOD!_

* * *

__

DIARY OF HERMIONE GRANGER

_I have written myself a little poem, and if I ever get out of here I might SHOVE IT IN CARL'S FACE AND SAY: read it._

**The chronicles of a Hostage and a Ghost named Barry:**

_**My only food is dairy,**_

_**And I smell like cheese**_

_**The stench is killing me**_

_**And it has brought fleas**_

**__**

**__**

**_My bottom is killing me_**

_**I've been sitting for so long**_

**_Thank god I wore boy-leg_**

_**And not my skimpy thong**_

**__**

**__**

_**I've been talking to myself**_

_**And I sound like a freak**_

**_My mate Barry says_**

**_My future sounds bleak_**

**__**

**__**

_**So I punched him in the face**_

_**And I hurt my hand**_

**_But Barry is only a ghost…_**

**_I think I am going mad_**

**__**

**__**

**_I tell him I've been in here for months_**

_**Or maybe even years**_

_**Barry say's I'm exaggerating**_

_**But he's the one unclear**_

**__**

**__**

_**I see him in my dreams**_

_**He haunts and rules my head**_

**_He says, "There's two of them in on it _**

**_The other one's long dead_**

**__**

**__**

"**_The plan unfolds tomorrow_**

_**And you'll be left to rot**_

_**They're after Malfoy too and**_

_**He's the only one you've got.**_

**__**

**__**

"_**Don't trust the ones you do**_

_**And don't listen to their advice**_

_**Because down the winding track**_

_**You will pay the price**_

**__**

**__**

"_**You have been deceived**_

**_The plan made long ago_**

**_To trap and capture those they hate_**

**_Their anger only grows_**

**__**

**__**

**_With revenge on their minds_**

_**It hastily unfolds**_

**_Tomorrow is the final day_**

_**This is what I'm told**_

**__**

**__**

_**I can't tell you who they are**_

**_Though you do know them well_**

**_But to find the clues left behind?_**

_**Only time will tell**_

**__**

**__**

**_The main clue left is_**

**_A man who can nott see_**

_**Though he gains an eye**_

_**He is your only key**_

**__**

**__**

_**With the ability to see **_

_**Can surely sense change**_

_**And what once was**_

_**Is not the same again**_

**__**

**__**

_**Though it is slight**_

**_A test full of flashes of green_**

_**The passing mark can**_

_**Only be seen**_

**__**

**__**

_**I've told the tale**_

_**And I see the most**_

_**But what would I know**_

_**I'm only a ghost."**_

**__**

**__**

_**He wouldn't shut up**_

_**So I opened my eyes**_

_**His aurora left**_

_**Though not had the flies**_

**__**

**__**

_**So I sat wondering**_

_**My vision was blind**_

_**And though I could see**_

_**The sense I couldn't find**_

**__**

**__**

_**So I will sleep again**_

_**And will enter Barry and his crew **_

**_With love from my cheesy bug trap_**

**_I bid you all adieu _**

**__**

**__**

_I had to write what the single-eyed ghost said down, it has been haunting me for the past few nights when I try to sleep... it's as if he's trying to tell me something…_

_So I wrote it into a poem and added my own touches to it, it's the only thing I can do without thinking of the loo…_

_Oh great now I'm talking in fregging rhyme…_

* * *

__

**MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL!**

**SouredSweetie**

Can you figure out the clues? Ha! How corny…

But seriously, if you can, shut up!

I mean it…

I can't have you figuring them out when I can't

…


	14. Two Biro’s, a Pan and a pack of Weasleys

**Authors note:**

Well here it is, and I must say the last two chapters were the hardest ones to write out of the whole story: which is why dislike them both.

Alas here it is.

Thanks to all those that reviewed, it really meant a lot to me. I won't pester you to review, because it hasn't worked in the last 13 chapters so if you want to please do and if you don't; well there won't be a sequel up will there! I'm not talking follow-ups yet, although I have an idea for one I'm not sure if I will be posting it up…you'll just have to invent the conclusion yourselves…but if you review I might reconsider…

HA!

Ahem, getting back to sanity now, bare with this chapter, I know it's slightly repetitive but it's hard to write what happens when all the writing is in emails and diary entries…I don't even know if it'll work out!

If any of you can remember back to the first two chapters, you will see some of its concepts incorporated into this chapter too. I though you might like to know, but to be honest I just don't know what to say.

To any of you who have read my Oliver/Hermione fic: Always, I have finally updated! About fregging time eh?

Thankyou and enjoy!

_SouredSweetie_

_P.S. Biro's are very good pens. The fact that they are constantly running out in this story is for the purpose of humour only and not of its manufacturing abilities: so don't sue._

_P.P.S. Certain stories mentioned in this one were not written by Wizards. Although I don't know these authors personally, I'm sure that they don't specialise in the religion of Wicca, but if they do, hey, it was a good guess._

* * *

**Chapter FOURTEEN: Two Biro's, a Pan and a whole pack of Weasleys**

**Sunday 290705 **

**Monday 300705**

* * *

**To: Draco**

**From: Josh**

**Re: I have a conclusion**

Maybe it's the lack of sleep that's causing my delusion, but I have a theory. Perhaps test monkeys are holding Hermione for ransom and are planning to eat her!

I have no evidence to support that theory, nor my insanity.

I wish I could help you out mate, but I wouldn't know where to start.

If you need anything, just floo over.

Josh

P.S. Are you sure you don't want the authorities in on this; I mean, ok you won't really give them a sufficient time frame to work on, but hey, they've got magic stuff that should find out the perpetrator pretty fast: and then we can kill him.

* * *

_Mr Tom Ato_

_We give you our deepest sympathy over your cousin's tragic death. We have tried to track down any other living relative to give over his possessions, alas his only living one is you._

_We are therefore handing over all his assets to you, Mr Ato._

_If you could please come to the Possessions Left After a Tragic Death (PLATD) office and pick up his goods, it would be greatly appreciated._

_Colin Creevy,_

_Director of the Ministry's_

_Possessions Left After a Tragic Death_

_Department._

* * *

**To: Draco**

**From: Josh**

**Re: Okay…**

Are you ignoring me because I haven't wished you a happy birthday yet? Because I didn't even know!

I only found out because I went to pick up some packages from the Ministry which belonged to Jonks.

(You know when we went over and they asked who we were and I said I was his cousin Tom Ato- I thought it was very clever- so we didn't look too suspicious. Well I had a bit of a snoop and well I found this weird letter mentioning something about your birthday and theirs…blabla…and how today it was your death or theirs…

Some stupid crap…

So happy birthday, what are you 27? You old fart…well don't tell that to Marz, she's 27 too…

Josh

* * *

(_Ring)_

_(Ring)_

"'_Ello"_

"_Ash, its Draco can you get me your dad please?"_

"_Oh hello Unci Draco, what are you doing?"_

"_I'm a bit busy sweetie; can you get your dad?"_

"_He's on the toilet I fink; probably looking at some naughty magazines that mum takes away from him…"_

"_Sounds like him, can you yell out to him?"_

"_DDDDDDDDDAAAAAAAAAAADDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD! Is that loud enough?"_

"_Sure Ash is he coming…"_

"_Uh oh…MUM……"_

"_Hello?"_

"_Marz, its Draco, I think you need a new secretary, my ear drums are ringing. Can you get Josh…?"_

"_Yeah yeah, I just though you might want a chat since I haven't seen you in years…"_

"_MARZ!"_

"_Oh alright, here's the idiot…"_

"_Yo Draco"_

"_Listen you cannibalistic delusional, what did that letter say exactly?"_

"_Oh I don't know. It was a page out of someone's diary, but the name was torn off…"_

"_What did it say?"_

"_Draco, why do you care so much…alright alright…no need to sound animal on me…AHEM:"_

"_Hurry"_

"_You're worse than my mother-in-law, and just before I start: I wasn't on the toilet."_

"_If I have to go over there…"_

"_Where? To the toilet? Haha, hmmm. This is all I can make out of it, you egocentric bastard, ahem! _

'_Tomorrow's the day. _

_My 24th birthday and Malfoy's 27th… but one will have time to celebrate it…And it will be me'_

_That's all I can make out of it…"_

"_Are you sure?"_

"_Yes, why's it so important?"_

"_Look just bring it all over and I'll talk to you about it…"_

"_Okay, but I'm you're keeping this painting, it's of some old fart with like thousands of warts on his ugly head…YEAH YOU HEARD ME YOU STUPID PAINTING…it heard me Draco…"_

"_Keep it over there, bye…"_

"_Bu-"_

_(Beep)_

* * *

**To: Draco**

**From: Gin**

**Re: I am like so going to cry…**

With the hormones and the money and this stupid totally yummy mushroom pasta with added anchovy sauce I'm eating…I'M A COMPLETE WRECK!

Oh don't get me wrong, the food is delicious even for breakfast, but this whole thing with Hermione, I'm so worried!

I have to go over my mum's today, but I really don't want to Draco, but if I don't they'll know something's up and then well mum will get mad with me and I'll never eat her chicken soup with a dollop of yogurt on the top and basil and chilli…mmmmmmmm….again!

DO YOU SEE WHAT KIND OF STATE I'M IN!

Let's go to the authorities or at least let me tell my dad! I have to do something!

Gin

* * *

**To: Gin**

**From: Draco**

**Re: "I have to do something"**

Maybe you should eat then? Perhaps that's why you're delirious, but by the sound of your email, I think you may be eating through the screen…

I'm not going to the authorities and don't tell your dad Weaslette, because then your whole family will find out, (and the size of your family is half of London's population) and everyone will know.

Josh and I have some leeway on who it is…

Just go to your parent's house and scoff yourself full of food.

Draco

P.S. where did you get that book you left over my house?

* * *

**DIARY OF HERMIONE GRANGER**

I_ have to keep this short because my pen is running out. Typical of a Biro to run out in a crisis, bloody German's…at least I think they invented these… ah crap, I've just wasted two lines on a biro…_

_My friend Barry didn't haunt my dreams yesterday, so it's pretty lonely here in this dungeon all alone…solitary…niggelled…did I mention alone?_

_Stupid Biro, it's running out…c n't get in a w rd…_

_Oh my g d th w ll is o e ing!_

_a f ?_

_en?_

_Bl dy Bi o_

* * *

**To: Draco**

**From: Gin**

**Re: Oh…**

I can't remember: heck I don't even know what I'm eating…I think I just ate pickles with mayonnaise…you should try it…

Actually, the book's Hermione's….oh the poor girl, it's been what 2 days…It was her favourite when she was a kid…when I brought it to work no one liked it: Ted, Carl and especially Aneen thought it was disturbing…but Hermione was always a little eccentric…

Oh the inhumanity of it all…but these pickles are really nice….

Gin

* * *

**TAPE:**

DM:This is the only way humanly possible that I can set down all my suspicions…the muggle way.

**JG: Why are you talking about humanity? We all know you're a monster…**

DM: Josh do you want to be in this investigation or not?

**JG: Oh all right. But I still think you should've written it down instead of recording it…**

DM: I hate writing; my Biro always runs out.

**JG: I hate when that happens. Alright, first question:**

DM: Why are you in charge?

**JG: Because I don't know any answers that you're going to question me on…**

DM: Good Lord…okay, ask away…

**JG: what am I supposed to be questioning that you'll be answering?**

DM: I'm beginning to think a monkey would do a better job that you…

**JG: Oh I'm joking. Now, who are the suspects and what are the pro's and con's against them being the assassins:**

DM: She's not dead idiot.

**JG: Look just write it down and I'll read it out.**

DM: Alright.

* * *

**SUSPECTS:**

**PRO'S AND CON'S**

**Josh Grey: **

**Pro:**

_He's always wanted my money. In college he took my wallet and hid it in the freezer so I couldn't find it. But I found it and noticed he stole 20 pounds to buy some chewing gum and a Superman comic._

_He's one of my best friends and therefore not someone I would initially consider, but his name is on my list, so I did consider it…ha!_

**Con: **

_He's too much of an idiot to think up a stupid plan like this._

**Gin Weasley:**

**Pro:**

_Her family never liked me and might want extra financial gain_

**Con:**

_They have enough money, thanks to their idiotic twins and the father_

_She's too busy scoffing down killer amounts of food and other foreign objects in retaliation to Hermione's kidnapping._

_All she would be able to do to Granger is suffocate her with Marshmallows and chocolate sauce_

**Marz Grey:**

**Pro:**

_May want a little adventure in her life, after all she is married to Josh_

**Con:**

_Too busy with the kids to even care about what anybody else is doing: except for those lives in The Bold and the Beautiful, she's fascinated by those horny muggles_

**Ashley Grey:**

_**Pro:**_

_The kid is a serious trouble maker_

**Con:**

_I think its self explanatory_

**Xavier Malfoy:**

**Pro:**

_Well, he hates my guts_

_Wants my inheritance_

_Doesn't like anybody I know_

_His case ran away from him, enabling me to win another case against him_

_Doesn't like, um, those born without full blood_

_I caught him in an interesting position with Pansy Parkinson and another man_

_Have many secrets_

_He's a Death Eater_

**Con:**

_He's too pathetic to go along with a threat_

**Pansy Parkinson:**

**Pro: **

_She was my ex-girlfriend_

_I wrote a musical about her: Tramps Ahoy! And it became a huge success._

_Doesn't like Hermione or I_

_She's not a Death Eater, but knows their secrets_

**Con:**

_I have her on tape doing naughty things with two other men; I can blackmail her and ruin her career_

_She's a Mariah Carey Diva_

**Percy Weasley:**

**Pro:**

_He's pathetic enough to think of something stupid like this_

_He was good at potions_

**Con:**

_He's a traitor to the Weasley's; he's too stupid to even exist_

**Jeremiah Jonks:**

**Pro:**

_Well, he was suing Hermione for a pathetic case_

_Doesn't really like Hermione Granger_

_Granger punched him in the nose_

_Hates Malfoys_

_Malfoys put him in jail_

**Con:**

_Well, he's dead_

_Missing his hair: hair used in potions_

_Not a Death Eater_

**Unknown Death Eater:**

**Pro:**

_Knows all Malfoy's secrets_

_Angry that Malfoys didn't get caught_

_Safe case: no-one knows of a loose Death Eater_

_Hater of Muggleborns_

_Wants revenge over Voldy's death: Wonder Trio_

_Probably living in a shit hole so want my money_

_Animagus'_

_Powerful_

**Con:**

_Why attack now?_

_Their aren't any left in England_

_Most are dead_

_I would know if they were alive and well, this would be one case I would fail_

_They're too stupid_

* * *

**DIARY OF SHANE NIGEN**

_I can't believe that Malfoy scum is making me wait for him; I am too eager to go and take the money out of my account and forget the deal._

_Poor Granger would've gotten a heart attack seeing me, I know that Mudblood cow is smart, she'll figure it out before that idiot Malfoy does…_

_But by then we'll be long gone…_

_But I can't do anything until he comes here…_

* * *

**TAPE**

**JG: You put my name on the list, on the basis of Chewing gum and a comic? I'm insulted!**

DM: Is there anyone I'm forgetting?

**JG: Ron Weasley?**

DM: No, he'd be under Percy…

**JG: Can you think of any other Death Eaters…besides yourself?**

DM: I'm not a Death Eater you moron. No, only Xavier and…no, that's impossible

**JG: What is?**

DM: Nothing. And anyway, Xavier looked really surprised at Jonks' death

**JG: We'll he ran pretty quickly…but we can't rule him out. There must be like 2 people in on this…**

DM: I don't know… I checked out that account I was supposed to put the money in and it hasn't been used in over ten years. It is a private account, only authorised personnel know who the owner is…it can activated on specific dates

**JG: What was the account?**

DM: _290705_

**JG: ha, it's weird eh? That account number looks like today's date…**

DM: What did you say?

**JG: 29 07 05…that's today's date…so anyway…**

DM: Holy Merlin. The account can be operated on specific dates. You don't think some idiot waited ten years for this day do you?

**JG: Draco mate, I find it hard to think at all.**

DM: So it's obviously a Wizard who is a Death Eater or knows of their secrets…

**JG: Maybe it's a witch…and what secrets are those?**

DM: Well, my birthday for starters is today, I was born today 27 years ago…

**JG: Wow, I mustn't be the only one not thinking…**

DM: Well Death Eaters had this special ceremony things, they had two birthdays: one when they were popped out and one when the would be brought into the world of eeeeeeevvvvvvillllll

**JG: I'm so glad you're making a joke of this. So your saying, August 25th is when you were supposed to be indited (sp?) and July 29 is your real birthday.**

DM: See it doesn't hurt to think…

**JG: Oh trust me; my head is spinning over time. The only people with those connections we know are…**

DM: Pansy, Xavier, my Aunt, the late Jonks and well Shane Nigen, but she's been long gone…

**JG: She? I thought she was a he…**

DM: no, I'm pretty sure she is a she and not a he…

**JG: I thought he joined some cult…I mean she….who names their daughter "Shane"**

DM: Her father wanted a son and well, a girl was as close as they got… As smart and talented as she was, she was a wacko…in fact; I remember reading something about her in Granger's emails…

**JG: Snooping through trouble are you? She'll kill you if she ever finds out…**

DM: Let's hope she's alive by the time she murders me…

**JG: So back to Shane: how did you know her.**

DM: Her family were notorious in Dark Magic. They were animagus', masters at all magic, whether it be potions or defence…I used to hang out with her when our parents were at the meetings, told me a lot of secrets she did…I also realised I was hanging around with a lunatic who planned to take over the world personally and when it came to the war I ignored them and left.

**JG: Maybe we should add her to the list.**

DM: She's long gone…I'll be back in a minute…

**JG: … … so what are you doing these days Josh 2? Well, Josh 1, I'm just sitting alone talking to a recorder. I've heard that's happened a lot to you lately Josh 2? Yes Josh 1, this is what life's all about. Geez Josh 2, is it just me or does it smell around here? I agree Josh 1, the bugs love it…Oooh what's this book?**

DM: Here this'll take care if your fly problem…

**JG: you heard me?**

DM: I heard enough to know that you have multiple personalities…and along with that several issues that need to be addressed.

**JG: I can't believe you have a book in your house. Hermione's influence?**

DM: it's hers; the Weaslette left it over my house along with all the fly spray…

**JG: you know I've seen this picture before, is it a muggle book?**

DM: Yeah…Butterbeer?

**JG: Sure. I wonder why this is familiar; I've seen it in some book before…maybe in Muggle University…**

DM: well that's nice, I'm planning to burn it. So where's this box you stole?

**JG: huh? Oh, it's over in the living room…**

DM: I'll go get it…

**JG: whatever. Oh I know where this is from! When I went on my first date with Marz, how lovely and peaceful it was…I wished it stayed like that…I remember her blabbing on about something in one of her Wizard Uni's text books… but I wasn't listening properly…**

DM: What? Were you talking again…?

**JG: this is a Wizard painting Draco, and from what I can remember it's a historic artefact…**

DM: Right. Jonks' stuff are interesting. Look at all these antiques, little trinkets and ooh this is nice…

**JG: Draco this is a side of you I've never seen before, and quite frankly I'm horrified.**

DM: these would be worth thousands of galleons Josh. If Jonks owned these why would he want any money from me? And whoever killed him could've taken all these things and exchanged them for galleons. But they didn't and yet they want money from me…

**JG: Revenge maybe?**

DM: well that broadens the spectrum then. Let's just say everyone wants a piece of me or from me in this case. Pansy, Xavier…

**JG: what about you and Hermione, she's in this too…**

DM: well then a pureblood too. I need time to think, it's almost 11:00…

**JG: Well you think and I'll go email Marz, I'm curious to know…**

**END TAPE**

* * *

**To: Marz**

**From: Draco**

**Re: Hey it's Josh**

Darling, sweetie, pumpkin, hot stuff, my sexy mumma…

You remember when we first went out and you were talking bout one of the books in your Wizard Art History class. Well remember the one with the evil looking one eyed man, with dead people behind him…I think you were saying he was used as a character in a muggle book…well what do you know about him?

Love you,

Josh

* * *

**To: Draco**

**From: Marz**

**Re: I should've known…**

That when you started saying sweet things to me that you wanted something in return…you're so pathetically predictable…

Maybe you should've listened instead of looking down my top, and then you wouldn't be in this predicament…

You're sleeping on the couch tonight,

Marz

* * *

**To: Marz**

**From: Draco**

**Re: Oh come on…**

That was years ago, I've had two kids since then: give me a break.

It's urgent Mary, I need you to tell me whatever you remember about it.

I'll make it up to you…I'll stay home with the kids for a week and you can go on a huge shopping spree!

Josh

* * *

**To: Marz**

**From: Draco**

**Re: Hmm…**

Make it a month

Mary

P.S. I didn't see YOU lugging around 5kg babies for NINE months you oaf…

* * *

**To: Marz**

**From: Draco**

**Re: You're…**

Pushing it you know that…but fine…a month

Now spill

Josh

* * *

**JOURNAL OF GINNY WEASLEY**

_Thank Merlin I brought with me my diary or otherwise I'd go as crazy as the twins, who have just given Ron one of their new inventions: bubblegum that blows out through any orifice on the body: another hit for the pranksters I'm gambling…_

_So when I first got here, it was all hugs and kisses how are you's etc…AND THEN the bloody interrogation comes…_

_How could you do this?_

_Who's the father?_

_Ginny you devil you!_

_How far are you along?_

_Do you want some Apple pie?_

_Yep, pretty tough questions so I pretended to feel faint and ignored them all: except for the pie question, I scoffed that bugger down pretty fast._

_It was a typical Weasley gathering, the twins making a nuisance of themselves, Bill and Charlie zooming furniture at each other their wives ignoring them successfully and Ron, who is and always will be an idiot trying to beat dad on the playstaion which Dad eagerly invested in. _

_Oh yep, he still loves all things muggles and mum pretends to hate his fascination- but I've seen her playing on the game: she's a Nazi on the fighting ones…_

_So at dinner I innocently brought up the question about a certain account in a certain area with the made up numbers 290705…dad nearly choked on his steak and the boys all gave me weird stares…I live with animals I'm telling you._

_Dad said he knew of the account, but couldn't say anything about it because of security reasons. He said it was a very private and personal family owned account and that was it._

_Then he turned the questions on me and well, I think Draco's going to kill me…_

_I kinda told them what happened…_

_The account number, Jonks' death, the ransom, the kidnapping, the court case, the relationship between Hermione and Draco…anything that happened over the last few weeks I spilled it out before I could gobble it back up._

_Then he swore a little and told us the account is a dark Wizards one and that families kill to own it and all the possessions inside. Only three have owned it so far: the Nott's, Malfoy's and the latest one: Nigen's. It's the first time they'll be accessing the accounts because it works only on a specific date…_

_I then realised the next time it could be opened is today…_

_Now a Weasley uproar has begun and everyone's heading off to Draco's apartment…except the twit has so many protection spell on his house that we can't get in so Dad's gone to get some floo powder that can get you anywhere even through spells…_

_I think I've started World War III and since my family is so huge, you can believe half the world is on one side…_

_So I'm writing while I'm waiting because mum's not letting me out of her sight: dammit, so I can't go to his place ahead of them…_

_Well I'm not just writing I'm attacking the other half of the pie mum made, with extra whipped cream…whoops, some of it fell on my diary, I might have to eat it too soon._

_All the boys have their wands and mum's holding her yummy triple chocolate cake with a frying plan in the other hand in hopes to try and persuade the crooks to eat instead of resulting to violence. When I asked her about the frying pan, she said if they refused she would knock some sense into them until the agreed._

_Personally I think she's been knocked over the head too many times._

_I hope Hermione's alright, because I think I'm going to be the one dead by the end of this… _

* * *

**DIARY OF DRACO MALFOY**

_It could just be a co-incidence right?_

_I mean sure all the pros are there but, it's not possible is it?_

_Maybe my mind has gone into lock down after all the vodka yesterday…not that I'm an alcoholic, it's just when I figure things out, that can not be remotely possible (like when I found out my cousin is a dominatrix and my Ex is a soap star with certain sexual fantasies) that I start sculling them down so it doesn't seem real._

_Which reminds me, I have a serious migraine right now…_

_Yep, I'm delusional, it's not true!_

_(Well it is true that I'm insane, but my theory is wrong…)_

_RIGHT?_

_WRONG?_

_I'm just talking opposites now._

_I mean it couldn't be Xavier? When I went through his personal emails- I can't believe that hypocrite uses muggle technology, and here I was writing to him with my shitty biro- and found out some things, from Pansy and Percy mind you, but also a number, the one Josh made me realise that I'm dealing with Dark Magic: 290705…he knows about it, and someone is in on it with him who has access to the account!_

_If only I knew who, because I could find them and pummel their ass senselessly into a pile of horse shit and make them eat it then throw it up and eat it again! If only I knew who he sent it too, because if I know Xavier, he'll take the money and leave the other mastermind to reap all the Repercussions…_

_AH shit ass crap sucker bloody bugger!_

_Josh is making me read some stupid email now…why do I even bother with him…_

* * *

**To: Marz**

**From: Draco**

**Re: Oh Alright…**

Though I don't see what the point is, the painting has been missing for ages…

I can't recall the exact name of the painting but it holds a deep and dark secret. It was used for dark magic to hold and trap 'Mudbloods' or any enemies of the owner of that house. The story is the painting would have a single suspicious eye at first, that would bore itself into you and absorb you into its sight and take you from the world and you'd die: murdered by a portrait, wouldn't you like to see that on your headstone?

But now, historians have taken the fun away and have discovered the portrait open ups (you have to stick your fingers into its eye socket and pull like crap) and the people get thrown into it….its like a secret room that no one knows about.

You usually know if someone is in the room if another eye appears on the evil wizards face. All the people in the background of the picture are its victims, since last count it was ten.

Some wizards then stole its idea and wrote it into a children's novel for muggles. You know Josh a lot of muggle stories are written by wizards: Deltora Quest, the Lord of the Rings and Pride and Prejudice- no man can be that magical, oh Mr Darcy…

I think it's a fascinating story and I can't believe you weren't paying attention years ago. I knew when I married you instead of asking do you take blabla, I should've quizzed you on that painting…

How's Draco doing? Any luck with Hermione yet? The poor thing…

Marz

* * *

**DIARY OF DRACO MALFOY**

_I know who it is._

_It was in front of me the whole time._

_Those cruel eyes and the name: the account, the dark magic and the flies Granger and Weasley were whining about!_

_Wizards can do anything: change their shape, change their name and even their form._

_And she did it all._

_**Shane Nigen.**_

_The Death Eater, the Animagus and the potions master. Was the smartest and only witch in Durmstrang, everyone feared her, they all knew who she was: daughter of notorious Death Eater parents, who owned the darkest portrait of all._

_Jonks was the perfect cover up, use him as a boyfriend of a close friend, a man who always knows where his beloved is: "as if it was magic". When she didn't need him anymore, she killed him as he knew all her secrets. Shave his head off and use his hair as ingredients for the polyjuice potion: clever._

_Jonks got my details off me at the hospital when I took him there; he knew where I lived and gave the info to her. I could've been an easy target, but they had rather Granger, someone 'close to me"._

_Shane was never found, disappeared without a trace; or did she? Didn't end up buzzing around annoying everybody, scheming and gathering details from her little maggot heap? Yeah, she was a clever animagus; the common fly._

_Staring at her name, Shane Nigen, I couldn't place the tingling sensation when I read it. I've seen those letters before. She was never clever, Lucius used to say, and I believe it. She could've used the names:_

_Inge_

_Inga_

_Nina_

_Genie_

_But no, she chose a foreign name to fit a foreign persona. She chose:_

_**Aneen Gnish**_

_A nice little acronym don't you think?_

_We couldn't find her, because she never existed. She left her new job because she never had it. Jonks was always there, because she was always with them planning and scheming. She trashed my city unit: it wasn't Jonks; he was long dead because he knew too much and wanted to bail out._

_She hates me; I left her alone to get caught when the Aurors came to get the Death Eaters. I never got my Dark Mark, I broke the Malfoy chain…I didn't even help bail her out. But why should I? I was used by my father I was supposed to be the next right hand to evil Voldy._

_THANK GOD I didn't follow them. I'm not a Slytherin because I'm bad; I'm a Slytherin because I'm Sly and cunning…haha, the suckers. But she didn't want me, no my stupid cousin did, Nigen wanted Granger..._

_She's jealous of her, because Granger killed Voldemort and because she was better at everything than Shane. Dislike turned into a passionate hate and she obsessed with Hermione and now she has her…_

_In the portrait, that's in her hallway…if only I hadn't skimmed over it, if I had looked closer maybe I'd have recognised the second eye: signifying that it had someone, it had her._

_I'm such an idiot. I remember writing in this stupid diary that it had one eye and then it had two…_

_Why the hell am I still writing in this?_

_I've got to go get Granger, she owes me a new Biro and socks._

_

* * *

_

**To: Marz**

**From: Draco**

**Re: Well, I have that book and I'm betting Draco…**

Knows where it is, because I told him to read the email, and he bolted out the room after he wrote something in his diary…ooh he left it here…

Dear Lord Marz, he knows who it is! And I must say, despite the urgency, his writing is very neat…he's going after her…oh this is terrible…ooh what should I do? If I were standing up I probably would've soiled myself!

OH MY GOD!

A whole bunch of people just exploded out of the fireplace…oh look there's Ginny, hi Gin: she's eating a whole cake (triple chocolate) by herself…

Uh oh…

Draco's going to kill her…

* * *

**To: Draco**

**From: Marz**

**Re: I'll tell you…**

What to do.

Put on a nappy and grow up!

Act like a man you sheep!

Go after them!

Marz!

P.S. if there's any cake left over, can you bring some home?

* * *

**DIARY OF SHANE NIGEN**

_It's been almost two hours where is he? If he ditched me, I'm going to go and find him and shove him in the painting too, the bastard…_

_Oh great who the hell just apparated…_

* * *

**DIARY OF HERMIONE GRANGER**

_Okay I got the pen to work, I did some serious blowing into the tube and I hope it will work, despite the fact half the ink is in my mouth._

_Note to self: do not inhale when facing a tube full of black ink, exhaling is more beneficial._

_As I was writing, Xavier Malfoy and Shane Nigen appeared from the only chance I have to escape. Then they told me everything, and they stressed out that I was going to die alone in here about 50 times._

_They told me about their plans, how they used and murdered Jonks with the polyjuice potion, how Shane was actually my dear friend Aneen who put on a spell to transform herself. How she was an animagus: a fly at that and spied on Gin and I at work when she 'left'. How they tricked Draco and Gin into believing they were talking to me, but it was Shane…she must've made that potion from that hair she yanked out of my head._

_They had planned everything from the court case to the ransom they had on me: but I laughed it off: there was no way Malfoy would pay that much for me…_

_Then they laughed and said I was stupid and Xavier told me how much Draco was fretting and loosing his mind… I thought it was the alcohol, but Xavier said: "NO Mudblood, it's you" they never thought anything would happen between us, and I still stress it there's nothing going on, but Xavier thinks there is._

_If that's the case, if I ever get out of here I'm going to plant a big one on Draco's mouth!_

_So I was betrayed and used and now am going to die here all alone…solitary…nigelled…alone…_

_I think I've been down this road before…_

_Oh my god! I hear voices…very loud, angry voices…_

_HHHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPP MMMMMMMMEEEEEEE_

_I really think I should be yelling it instead of writing it down…_

_AHEM…_

_I hope they heard me, I know the dogs did they're howling like mad._

_Oh dear, someone has crashed into a wall…_

_Oh no they're coming my way…_

_This may be my only chance…_

_Get ready Granger because when that door opens I'm going to punch the crap out of whoever's there…_

_Th n I'm g i g to run f r my li e._

_D mn B ro_

_Hey Ginny!_

_It's me Hermione! I'm freeeeeeee, and I've never been so blinded by the light in my life! But can we not take about eyes anymore, Draco was just giving this huge story of the portrait I was locked in and how the eye meant something…and then I told him about the poem about the eye I made up (he said I was going mad and that I smelled, so I'm kinda glad I punched him in the face when he rescued me)_

_Well I didn't know it was him! I was planning to escape: I heard someone approaching the door and I promised myself that I would hit the person and then run for my life. I just didn't expect Draco to be the one at the door._

_So I punched him and he swore: and then I realised what I did and helped him up, half laughing half in pain…well I was laughing…HE was the one in pain: turns out Shane is a pretty good dueller and hit him a couple of times into the walls and sculptures. Then he said something like, "now I know why Jonks wanted to sue you, you hit pretty hard Granger."_

_I said, "Well, I'm surprised you forgot about third year."_

_Then we started arguing again and I was so glad! I've never been so happy to be arguing with Draco in my life!_

_Then Shane started stirring and pulled her wand on me. Luckily Draco has quick reflexes and knocked her out with his own dark spell._

_Before I could ask any questions, the front door blasted open and a whole tribe of redheads emerged from the smoke._

_I couldn't stop laughing and neither could Malfoy, who really wasn't laughing, he never shows his teeth…but well you know what I mean._

"_See I told you everybody likes blowing up a door" Draco said._

_I couldn't help but laugh at your mother who was standing in the middle of it all; her frying pan raised up in the air and looked ready to beat someone with it. Your father and brothers were all standing back away from her, probably frightened too._

_Before I could do anything, Arthur whisked Draco away and fixed him up and they went somewhere to the unknown with your brothers; probably gone to Gringotts to find Xavier…_

_That's when your mother told me you were with Joshua and Ron at Draco's place because you're pregnant._

_YYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYY! Congratulations Ginny, I'm so happy for you! Ahhh how exciting!_

_Right now I'm still at Shane's house, or whoever she murdered to get it, and I just had a shower. Hehe, I had to use her for something…_

_Your mothers just gone out to inspect something she said…_

_Shit! Shit shit shit!_

_God, I hope this bird gets to you…Xavier's here…_

* * *

**Monday**

* * *

To: Josh, Gin

**From: Marz…**

**Re: Okay…**

I've sent both Draco and Hermione an email telling them to go to lunch together….but they don't know who the other person will be right…right…

So I'm sending them to Jamie Oliver's Fifteen and we'll go too, you know and spy on them: but they won't see us, get what I'm saying?

NO neither do I!

It's at 1:00, so be there by about a 12:45!

Catch ya later

Marz

* * *

**To: Josh**

**From: Gin**

**Re: I think…**

Your wife needs to get out more. But I'm up for the food!

Gin

* * *

**To: Gin**

**From: Josh**

**Re: Well…**

She will be in the next month to come. I promised her a whole month of babysitting and money for her to go on a major shopping spree…

Hey Gin, you want a bit of practice with kids? You wanna take one half of the month and I the other?

: D

Josh

* * *

**To: Hermione**

**From: Carl**

**Re: HA!**

Fat chance

Gin

* * *

**To: Hermione**

**From: Carl**

**Re: Good to…**

Have you back Granger. You're lucky you came back today because you didn't leave enough workfor tomorrow.

Now I'm not going all mushy on you but this place is going crazy without you. Sharmayne was so worried when you didn't reply to all you messages she actually ate a large triple cheese pizza all by herself! And Ted started an email war, attaching a virus he called Xena to all the email he sent. The virus would then attack the sound on the computer and a loud piercing Xena sound would come out. It sounded like out office was some sort of tribal ceremony.

When everyone found out about the virus they purposely opened them all up so they didn't have to work…they were arguing the fact that we were almost going to fire you…

Now, get back to work!

Carl

* * *

**To: Carl**

**From: Hermione**

**Re: it's good…**

To be back.

Hey I'm thinking, instead of writing a political article, maybe I could start up a new column about a story? And each week I'd post up a new chapter, or maybe every three months… (Inside joke)

Here's my idea:

There was once a girl who had a deadened job that she was going no where with and had a pain in the ass boss. Anyway, after a night out with her colleagues she gets into some trouble- she hits a guy; she's a feminist- and finds herself in a court case. However what she doesn't know is that three people have already planned the outcome and are preparing to kidnap her and hold her for ransom to the man they want to attack.

So anyway, the lawyer and she don't get along; they never did in school either, and end up liking each other (maybe just a little) after the huge ordeal. So they pash at a deposition, and its being taped and they end up catching (the lawyers) his cousin in some randy acts of sexual behaviour.

So they then end up having a little argument and she gets kidnapped. The lawyer then starts on a world wind mystery picking up clues etc and eventually puts the pieces together. Meanwhile she's locked up in a mystery room in the house of one of her friends, who happens to work with her and was in on the deal the whole time.

The lawyer then puts the pieces together and rescues the girl who punched him in the face accidentally. Then her crazy family figure it out too and meet up with the two at the evil friend's house. The men then set off to a secret bank where the evil man is waiting for his money…

But little do they know the evil man had figured it out and was rushing back to the girl and her mother who was holding a frying pan. He starts to advance on her, his wand raised ready to perform the killing curse when her mother hits him over the head with a frying pan.

Both evil people are knocked out; the third got murdered by the evil people before. Then the mother walks out of the room greeting her husband as the men rushed back, also figuring out the evil man wasn't there.

The lawyer runs into the room and rushed over to the girl who almost died and holds her in his arms and argues with her about having nine lives and she argues back but its all good…

As for the ending of the story, well I haven't figured it out yet…

So what do you think?

Pretty twisted eh?

Hermione

* * *

**To: Hermione**

**From: Carl**

**Re: I think…**

You're the one that's twisted.

Maybe we should've given you a year off instead of three days…

But not until I have some articles on my desk!

Carl

* * *

**To: Josh**

**From: Marz**

**Re: So…**

From a sheep, my husband turns into a little lamb, awe isn't that sweet. I hope you looked after Gin better than you did after me when I was pregnant.

I emailed her yesterday and she told me how you looked after her when she was throwing up and how she almost fainted and you helped her: awe, I'm proud of you honey.

I guess you can do the same for me too… soon…

Luv Marz…

P.S. Can you stop by the shop and pick up some milk and pickles? And maybe throw in some mayonnaise too?

P.P.S. I just spoke to Ginny, and there is no way you are getting off babysitting you sheep.

Remember:

12:45 at Fifteen

* * *

**To: Josh**

**From: Draco**

**Re: Um…**

I heard a big…no rather, a huge clunk in your office and I'm wondering if you perhaps fell off the chair again? Last time you did that I think you were telling me Marz was pregnant.

HAHA! Oh boy you got work cut out for you big time!

Tata daddy,

Draco

* * *

**To: Draco**

**From: David**

**Re: Well…**

What happened this time, to your face I mean? You hit into the window you were looking at yourself in and realised you were falling in love with your reflection?

Stop day dreaming and get back to work

David

* * *

**To: David**

**From: Draco**

**Re: Actually…**

I thought you and your girlfriend were still dressing up like the Adams family, that's why I have the black eye…are you retiring from costume fantasies?

Draco

* * *

**To: Draco**

**From: Josh**

**Re: Dear God no!**

She can't be, Jaz was only born a few weeks ago! I can't have two children under the age of one in my house! My mother-in-law is going to staying over a month longer!

Oh shit!

Oh well, to better days…because they've been limited…

Hehehe,

Josh

* * *

**To: Hermione**

**From: Draco**

**Re: So…**

How you going?

Draco

P.S. Doing anything for lunch?

* * *

**To: Draco**

**From: Hermione**

**Re: Not a man of words are you?**

I'll tell you now; in the three days I've been in lock down there has been so much gossip I've missed out on.

Eg: Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are having a baby- how cute! And so are Gwen Steffani and her husband! And Paris Hilton is being sued again! And guess what! NICOLE and KEITH are together! Now I don't have to write about: Nicole and Tom, who's fault was it!

I'm going well by the way, I've got a mystery date for lunch…

Herm

* * *

**To: Herm**

**From: Draco**

**Re: Oh really…**

Anyone I know?

* * *

**To: Draco**

**From: Hermione**

**Re: Well…**

…from what I hear it's a blind date. He's a bigheaded, egotistical prat who is infuriatingly stubborn and takes a kidnapping to admit he has feelings for somebody, which I will not mention.

I hear you know each other well…

Hermione

* * *

**To: Hermione**

**From: Draco**

**Re: Hmm…**

Well he does sound incredibly familiar except, the person I'm thinking about isn't blind. But how about you ditch him and come with me instead? I hear the place you're going is also going to be including an entourage of people (Marz, Josh and the Weaslette) so privacy could be an issue for the two of you…

Whaddya say?

Draco

* * *

**To: Draco**

**From: Hermione**

**Re: You're an idiot…**

That's what I say.

* * *

**To: Hermione**

**From: Draco**

**Re: Well actually…**

You're the idiot…

Your diary was left with an unreliable source who chose to snoop…well actually read the whole thing. And I must say Granger that there is a certain promise you made for a certain handsome and charming man, and I was wondering if you'd be fulfilling it anytime soon…

Perhaps at lunch maybe? Or somewhere more private, like my house for instance…although now that the Weasleys know how to bloody get in, my house will probably be turned into a Weasley camping site…or maybe a pan shop…

Draco…

* * *

**To: Marz; Josh**

**From: Gin**

**Re: I can't believe…**

Those two! After all our scheming they got our asses in the end…

Do you know where they went?

Gin

* * *

**To: Gin; Marz**

**From: Josh**

**Re: Bloody…**

Bloody, bloody…

All I know is that Malfoy was the instigator. You should see the smirk on his face…well actually I think he's smiling: oh heavens above shower us with your impending destruction! I can actually see his teeth, and I have to say they are impeccably white…

Dammit.

Josh

* * *

_(Ring)_

"_Hello"_

"_HERMIONE darling you're alright!"_

"_Hello mum…"_

"_Oh thank god! Ginny told me all about it! You poor thing!_

"_Oh she did she? I-"_

"_Oh for god sake, get your hands out of that salad you feral animal…sorry darling, your father seems to be living in the Stone Age again"_

"_That's okay mum…look I really have to go now, but I promise to call you later on…I've-"_

"_Oh alright, but come over for dinner then will you. And bring that chap Gin's been telling me about, I'd love to meet him…"_

"_We'll see, I've got to go and kill Ginny now…Bye"_

"_Bye Darling…GET YOUR HANDS OUT OF…."_

_(Beep)_

* * *

**To: Gin**

**From: Hermione**

**Re: So how was it…?**

When I went to lunch? Did you miss me?

Hermione…

**

* * *

To: Hermione**

**From: Gin**

**Re: Well…**

I never noticed you were gone…I didn't even know where you went! I seriously wasn't snooping or anything, I was too bust enjoying my food to know where you and Draco were going…I mean, where YOU went by yourself…ah to lunch I mean… :D

It's like you never left and Marz, Josh and I were wondering were the hell you two ditched us…but you know how it is here, where I was the whole time…

It's been just another day at the office…

* * *

**­­­­­­­­­­**

**FINISHED….thank god**


	15. Sex, babies and a Senitmental Malfoy

**DISCLAIMER:**

**J.K. Rowling owns Hermione, Draco, Ginny, Harry and Ron. I own all the other characters. Meg Cabot is a great author, and this story has some of her ideas in it.**

**I own nothing. How sad.**

**The planning and some ideas are from Meg Cabot's books: The Guy next-door and Boy Meets Girl. Not many of the parts are hers, except the occupations and written ideas. If you have not read her books, pay little attention to this paragraph. It's merely a disclaimer on Meg Cabot's behalf.**

_Note:_

_It took me a while but I decided not to write a Ginny/Harry sequel so I thought I'd do a brief epilogue to fill in some of the gaps. It's a little on the ridiculous/ OOC side, but then again the whole story is._

_Thanks for all the support and reviews- it's what has kept it going._

_SouredSweetie_

* * *

**Epilogue**

**Sex, Babies and a Sentimental Malfoy**

* * *

**3 months later: A Few Weeks in December**

* * *

**To: ****Staff**

**From: ****Human Resources **

**Re: Dilatory**

We here at the Human Resource division of the _London Post _understand that there was a function on Saturday in which one of our staff married; this we know though were not invited. Nevertheless that is no excuse to arrive at work two to three hours late.

We at the London Post do not believe that your tardiness is acceptable and are therefore suggesting you take place in a Staff Assistance program.

We here at the Human Resources department are only trying to help you and will not accept such behaviour and tolerate it in the future.

Any future tardiness may result in abeyance or suspension.

Sincerely,

Vanessa McGaughn

Human Resource Division

London Post.

* * *

**To: Ginny**

**From: Ted**

**Re: The Hormonal Heifer**

Oooh, what crawled up Vanessa's arse and died? I'm telling you Gin she's menopausal.

My Aunt Prudence went through the same thing: went mad at her pre-menopausal stage, bought three cartons of orange Hushpuppies, fell over a box, cracked her neck and bam, dead.

I tell you what; it was awful trying to divide 100 pairs of shoes that weren't even my size.

Anyway Gin, I don't think I congratulated you on your pregnancy; I mean we all knew you were...well It was either that or you developed an odd obsession for shoving watermelons up your tops. Does that mean you'll be taking leave soon?

Oh no what will I do without you and Xena?

Btw, you owe me $50 for the bet you lost about Hermione's marriage.

I want it unmarked and stashed in an envelope address to The Spunk.

Ted

* * *

**To: Gin**

**From: Sharm**

**Re: Darling!**

Oh Ginny treasure, who'd have though you were actually pregnant and not gaining weight from stuffing your face with cannelloni's and éclairs! I know a great outlet with clothes/shoes for babies and adults to die for: seriously. One woman couldn't afford a second hand pair of Blahnik's and impaled herself on a coat hanger.

Oh it was awful her blood poured all over the shoes I wanted to buy.

Anyway darling; what a wedding. Draco I must say was dashingly handsome and that man of yours...ooh, put them together and I'd shove a funnel down my throat and fill it with lard.

Mwa,

Sharm XOXOXOX

P.S. Do your family always carry around wooden sticks? I mean it's very witchy don't you think, maybe it'll set of a new craze? Oh and your twin brothers are simply darling, how old are they again?

* * *

**To: Staff**

**From: Ted**

**Re: Bets**

Okay bitches and hoes, pay up time. You all owe me $100 bucks for being morons and loosing bets. 50 for Hermione marrying before January and 50 for guessing Ginny was pregnant and not having a symptom from colonic irrigation.

Ye have so little faith in our golden girls.

Ted

* * *

**To: Draco**

**From: Josh**

**Re: OMG GOSS**

Draco dude I know you're on your honeymoon having wicked, wild sex with the chains, whip and cuffs I packed for you, but I've got to tell you...DAVID'S LOW ON HIS SPERM COUNT, bordering on impotency actually, it would've been hilarious however, if his plan of attack didn't disturb me immensely.

I mean, you'd think he'd simply cut the jocks and start wearing boxers, but no he went one step further: HE'S FREE-BALLING.

Ewww, how can he do that? It's just flapping there, roaming around the seams like it's on vacation- I'm keeping a 5m distance from him; you never know when it'll just pop off, swinging around like Tarzan.

Well have a good one...or many.

Josh

* * *

**To: Herm; Draco**

**From: Marz**

**Re: Men are morons**

I don't know about you, but sometimes I think Josh is one of the biggest morons on the planet.

Do you know what my 6 month-old daughter's frost goo-goo words sound like: TARZAN. And what do you tell a four year old who asks why Mr Felnof's Tarzan keeps swinging around? Perhaps I should just scrap the pep talk and explain to the child that half her genetic makeup is compromised from a rambling moronic hipster Doofus.

Oh btw, I hope you're both having a wonderful time; Hermione I trust those dice I packed are _coming in handy_...pardon the pun/s. How romantic, New Year's in Paris...

See you in a few weeks,

Marz

* * *

**To: Herm**

**From: Gin**

**Re: You know...**

I never got to tell you how beautiful you look at the wedding last week; Draco seriously couldn't take is his eyes off you, this I know because my brothers were staring daggers at him and flinging peas at him and Draco didn't even notice...oh and then the hilarity when Luna blurted out I was pregnant- sorry about that by the way, but it's not as if you noticed. You and your husband were outside snogging each other. I don't know if you heard the full story, but I might as well tell you now, I can't wait another 2 weeks to tell you.

So out you and Malfoy went; I think everyone knew what you two were doing- if it was anything like the Church when the time came to 'kiss the bride'- I still can't believe you jumped hugged Malfoy and snogged him like that; I'm not catholic but isn't that a sin? Oh and then when Malfoy just about tossed you on the floor...so romantic by the way.

Anyway, out you go and over comes Luna- some say she's psychic, I say she's psycho- to the Bridal Table and says: Congratulations on the babies by the way. SHE PLURALED IT!!!

Of course at this stage I almost shoved my head in a boiling pot of pumpkin soup, because you know the microphone on the table was still on after the speeches so EVERYONE heard- mum fainted, David held his crotch and Harry was having trouble defending himself against my murderous brothers.

So I stupidly tried to cover up by laughing and said, "What babies" I mean could I have said anything stupider? Even the dress and jacket we charmed couldn't cover up a 6 month pregnant stomach with twins...she laughs and says "in your stomach silly" and walks away, while I try hard not to peg peas at her with my spoon.

Meanwhile mum rushes over and congratulates me, knowing already Harry's the father and whips out her wand and starts knitting- all the Muggles are having coronaries at this point. After the wedding, Harry confronts me- "Why didn't you tell me" gets mad when I don't answer- I was eating a cheese and bacon quiche. David pops over too, "Who's the father" well i knew it wasn't the anti-sperm bank, couldn't say anything. Quiche. In. Mouth. Um. Yum.

Then they start a brawl, I'm licking my fingers of the cheese and security comes takes them away. Sunday I tell David he's not the father, unbeknownst I was 2 months along when we dated- and Harry pops in through Floo, demanding what's going on. We have a yelling match, I tell him he's a selfish bastard too absorbed in his career to care about children and he says I'm too immature and will end up giving our kids high cholesterol. We stare, get mad, then in an instant rip off each other's clothes and have makeup sex and declare the love.

Now we're getting married.

So yeah,

Gin

* * *

**To: Mrs M**

**From: Draco**

**Re: Hermione...**

What dice is Marz talking about?

* * *

**To: Josh; Marz; Mrs M**

**From: Draco**

**Re: So...**

I stroll into an internet Cafe in Paris, third week of my honeymoon, ready to hear the progress of my pathetic acquaintances in London; thinking about what argument I'll start with my wife when we get back to the resort and then making up for it with a hot session in the bedroom, the bath, the kitchen and the spa bath outside...when I open up an email from the _Rambling Moronic Hipster Doofus_ discussing David's swinging Tarzan and suddenly my own Cuddly Chops starts to sag and wants to fall off and hide in the caves of the Middle East.

Just be glad my wife is good at mouth to mouth resuscitation because if this was permanent I'd be making earrings out of your testicles.

Mary, I have no idea. Just say it's his little play thing.

Now if you don't mind I have an important game of Solitaire I must get back to.

D

* * *

**To: Mary**

**From: Hermione**

**Re: hey**

If there's one thing you shouldn't do its take advice from Rambling Moronic Hipster Doofus the Second; aka Draco Malfoy. Not that I'd be much more help...I'd just buy her the cartoon of Tarzan and say it's David's favourite character...

But to take care of the bigger problem: Josh's gob; I know a good couple of hexes you could try- I use them on Draco when he won't shut up.

Wish I could be more help...say hi to the girls for me!

Hermione

* * *

**To: Draco**

**From: Hermione**

**Re: You sent...**

Me that email too. STOP TALKING ABOUT OUR SEX LIFE YOU STUPID TWIT, how embarrassing and there's no way I'm showing you those dice damn you.

Oh and if you think your leaving that sex-pep talk to me to tell our kids, you have something else coming. I bet Harry will be a terrific dad; he's honest, caring and not a chicken when it comes to confronting situations that need brains not balls to confront. Hell, I'm sure even Josh might manage if he stops obsessing over another man's crotch.

H. G. /

* * *

**To: Gin**

**From: Hermione**

**Re: Hey**

I don't think I have much time, when Draco gets off his arse form playing solitaire and reads the email I just send him I'm going to be in big trouble...can't wait.

OMG, Ginny how exciting!!! I am so glad you and Harry made up! Not that we weren't expecting it you know, but I'm glad it happened at our wedding. By the way, I know all about what happened: it's on the wedding DVD. Draco finds it so amusing, that he makes popcorn, opens a beer and fast forwards to that particular section (PAST ALL THE OTHER EVENTS MIND YOU).

The Honeymoon has been wonderful, I'm surprised Draco can be so charming, although he's still the cold, ruthless bastard he always is...DO YOU KNOW HE SPEAKS FRENCH!!!

I go to Paris with only "moi" "le syndicat d'initiative si vous plait" and "la crayon" in my vocabulary; and then I find out the man can talk in "je mappelle". Worse thing is whenever ladies are around they always leave blushing and smiling at Draco, so I know he's flirting; oh but let a man starting flirting with me and Draco says a few choice words and they leave quicker than you can say "Draco you bastard what the hell did you say!" it's as if he told them I have genital herpes.

But don't worry, when we hit the Slavic parts tomorrow I will be the one saying he has a tube stuck up his arse from a bodged expedition at Colonic Irrigation. Italy and Germany were fantastic...I have no idea how we apparated to the red Light District in Amsterdam...my bum is still bruised from all the groping. Somehow I'm not surprised Draco knows all the "performers" by first name...I think I married a porn star.

What do you think his name is? Buck Naked or Phil McGroin?

Meh, well tomorrow we're off to Slovenia and Croatia...the Dalmatian coast is supposed to be nice...

Ha, yeah Malfoy just read the email; brow just rose...glaring at me...oooh he's ended his Solitaire game, he's mad. I wonder if he's branch from the Neanderthals.

Toodles Ginny,

And congratulations...

Love Hermione XOOXOXOX

* * *

**2 months later**

* * *

**To: ****Hermione Granger; Ginevra Weasley**

**From: ****Human Resources **

**Re: Dilatory**

Dear **Hermione Granger; Ginevra Weasley**

This is a notice from the Human Resource division of the _London Post_. We are hereby informing you that according to your supervisor Carl Bronston, you did not arrive to work on the 2nd February 2007, and without any notice.

We at the London Post do not believe that your tardiness is acceptable and are therefore suggesting you take place in a Staff Assistance program. We understand that your late routine could be a cause of the following:

Drug addiction/overdose

Mental and physical health disorders

Alcohol addiction

Sleep affliction

Libellous brutal consort.

We here at the Human Resources department are only trying to help you. If your tardiness is of your own lack or organization, we suggest you change your attitude.

Any future tardiness may result in abeyance or suspension.

Sincerely,

Vanessa McGaughn

Human Resource Division

London Post.

* * *

**To: ****Human Resources **

**Fr: ****Herm Granger **

**Re: ****My Dilatory**

Yes to all of the following:

_Mental and physical health disorders_

_Libellous brutal consort._

_Alcohol addiction_

I still am working on my:

_Drug addiction/overdose_

_Sleep affliction_

Of course I suppose the fact Gin went into labour yesterday is not excuse for not going to work; nor is the fact she was in labour for over 30 hours so she couldn't call to foreworn you. Let's be realistic, there's no way after giving birth she'd come to work and write about Crème Brule and which cheese is the best to grate onto spinach. Me, I have no excuse, but considering I have enough columns for this issue and the next I don't see what the problem is.

Hermione Granger

Political Correspondent

London Post.

* * *

**To: Sharm; Ted; Carl; Marz; Michael**

**From: Hermione**

**Re: Okay okay...**

Since you're all dying to ask: Ginny had the babies late last night: a boy and girl names James and Lily; both healthy and both adorable; Ginny of course ordered me to buy her Lobster Thermidor and a chocolate cheese cake about five minutes after.

Surprisingly, knowing Ginny's luck, nothing went amiss before hand; well except when her water broke and her husband slipped and got a concussion- huge dilemma by the way, it meant I had to go into the delivery room with her while Harry was in another room with Draco...I can barely type, I think I few bones have been unhinged at the joints.

But luckily Harry came through and took my place and she gave birth a few minutes later.

It really is a disgustingly beautiful process.

* * *

**Six years later**

* * *

**DIARY OF DRACO MALFOY**

August 17th 2012

Well we did it, well Hermione did all the work, I was just there to lend a hand to dismantle and testicles to puncture. Why is it when women are giving birth it's the men's fault for impregnating them? Because I've got to tell you, she certainly was enjoying the process.

We had a baby girl today; 49cm, 3.5 kgs and dark hair and eyes like her mother. My left hand is still bloody throbbing from Granger's killer grip; cursing me in French so the doctor's wouldn't know how vulgar the famous news-reporter's vocabulary could be. She learned the whole damned language because she didn't like the fact I knew it and couldn't understand the supposed insults I was throwing about her to her admirers. As if I'd throw insults behind her back and straight to her face; I'm a little more cunning than that!

So now we have a daughter and I've decided that chastity belt I bought will work well for her for the next 30 years; and throw in a few hexes to the boy who thinks about touching her; I think we'll manage. Hermione thinks I'm over exaggerating, but what would she know about females and the lengths men go to take them?

A few minutes later I had gone to the packed waiting room to tell them the news. With all the Weasley's there it seemed half the population of London was in the tiny room. I picked up my boys Damien and Lucian- or Demon and Lucifer as Josh calls them- Some Godfather he is, and ask what they'd wanted mummy to have: a boy or girl. Lucian the youngest at 3 says a girl-brother, Damien calls him stupid, 5 year-old vulgarity from their bloody mother of course and says, "It's not a girl-brother stupid, it's called a sister." And then I think, he sounds like a snotty little bossy boots; and remember half his genetic make up is Hermione's. She's got them reading Hogwarts a History for god sake, there's no way I'll let her corrupt Gabriella.

I say "it's a girl" and Josh breaks out the cigars; he and Harry find it amusing that I now had a daughter. Josh has three of them. Ashley is now ten and into her lip-gloss, much to the dismay of her father who hates having to clean the lip imprints on the mirrors; Jazmine is six and still into her barbies and Stacey is four and loves breaking the heads off Jazmine's toys. Josh of course couldn't be prouder of his daughter's destructive abilities, much to the annoyance of Marz. About a year ago she gave birth to their son Matthew; Josh had a phobia of changing his nappy in case he damaged Matt's Little Tarzan- he must've thought he'd pass on his genital malfunctions to his son.

Harry has his twins Lily and James, who at six think it's hilarious to roll around in mud and fly their father's broomsticks into the back shed and attacking each other with them. Hell even David managed to restock his juices and has two kids with Emily.

So I take the boys to see their sister, their blonde heads hovering over her with a look of peculiarity in their grey eyes. "_Why does she smell funny and look like a tomato?"_ and then "_Where'd the stalk go that branged her here to mummy?"_ I look at Hermione with that one and see her rolling her eyes. We still haven't decided who would tell them about the birds and the bees, but know it wouldn't be for a few years yet. Thank Merlin.

And now three hours after the rush, I sit in the hospital chair and write in my diary- corny no? Ella is in her crib and the boys are hovering over Hermione, who's reading them another book- probably reading them that classic "_The Three Musketeers"_ by that Dumbass...or Dumas as Hermione would scold me; though the boys are a little too young for that Muggle rrubbish,

I hear Ella crying in the background and Hermione says I have to change her nappy. Ew. You'd think I'd be used to it by now with the boys who excreted some seriously toxic waste that would challenge Chernobyl. Well I'd better end this now before Mrs Bossy-Boots threatens to repaint the boys room from green to Gryffindor red. 

Oh the humanity.

* * *


End file.
